Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

as long as you can afford them, have a house big enough and they have the same opportunities, holidays etc as anyone else, why would I judge?

Having several siblings is not a negative for anyone I know.

I never judge as I know that sometimes even with the best plans and financial security when a decision is first made life can change unexpectedly and dramatically.

I do sorry. There are too many people on the planet as it is. I know the economic argument but where does that end? Each generation has to be bigger than the one before? There is finite space and resources. Any more than 2 I think “greedy”. Sorry but you did ask.

We have a five bedroom house so enough room for everyone.

When I tell people (for instance at baby classes) that I also have three stepchildren I have felt an attitude shift. Maybe it’s the “broken home” aspect that puts people off.

I’ve also seen disapproving looks and raised eyebrows from people (peers, not older people) when we’re out at a museum or cafe. All the children are well behaved and pretty quiet so I don’t think it’s due to their behaviour, just the number of them.

The families where I've seen it work alright are when there's a pretty big gap. But with smaller gaps it just seems very unfair to the existing children to keep adding babies when the existing child is still very young and needs a lot of time. It's honestly heartbreaking seeing a 2yr old have to grow up overnight and accept they can't have as much time with mummy and daddy as they used to because the new baby needs so much care.

I agree with this. I have a friend who really struggles to give her three little ones time and attention, and well as constantly fretting about money. Older two constantly complain about the younger one taking attention away from them and that they never get any one-on-one time with the parents. They're currently trying for a fourth. Hideously selfish on their parts, and I have to bite my tongue every time it's brought up.

I think it depends on the kids rather than the number of them as to whether or not you will be judged. If your kids are polite, respectful and presentable nobody will judge you negatively for the number of them. If they are bouncing off the walls, shouting, roughhousing, being rude and looking dishevelled, people will judge you however many kids there are.

We actually regularly get compliments from older people about how cute / well-behaved the children are when we go out for meals.

I’ve felt more judged by people of the same age.

It's not necessarily judgment but my view is that the more children you have, the more vulnerable you are to having an extremely difficult life.

So, things like bereavement, divorce , job loss, housing problems, illness..just general crap life throws at you...the more children you have, the harder those situations will be.

I think it's often a precarious position to be in, unless you're wealthy with a big support network.

I'm the same, I have 3 and am pregnant with 4th. My husband earns well but we do get disability benefits for my youngest so I guess some people might judge,however we would cope without them they just help

I only judge them if they complain about how life is more difficult because of a large family. My dh was one of 5 who grew up in a 3 bed house. I would’ve been 1 of 4 but my brother died. But if someone can afford them and don’t endlessly complain about how it’s hard for them to cope with so many children, then why not? (I have a colleague who complains and wants special treatment endlessly).

Only if they are neglecting them.
Otherwise I don't care .

So your husband will have 7 children across two families?

Yeah, I judge that a little bit. His first family is on benefits so he clearly can't actually afford to support all.of his children equally.

I don’t judge at all, I would be envious that your family can afford to have a bigger family (I’d have another in a heartbeat if it wasn’t such a financial strain!) and also probably wondering how you manage with multiple kids- I find one toddler incredibly stressful some days! Whenever I see a frazzled mum out in a supermarket with multiple kids in tow I just think ‘wow, I could never manage such chaos and yet remain so calm’. 😅

Absolutely I judge, when people are adding more and more children to a situation where things are unstable or not ideal for the children they already have.
Just seeing children out and about, no of course not and I doubt I would even notice? Why would anyone raise their eyebrows or give you looks? Are you sure that’s not you projecting something?

If you can pay for the children you have and have enough time and energy to dedicate to each one then it’s fine.

I also wonder if those immersed in the baby toddler years quite understand how it is parenting teens and young people. Even lovely ones. And you are in peri menopause when doing so. Dh and I often eyeroll and say thank god we stopped at two. Plus university costs. And worrying that they are happy / employed / safe. Doing all that more than twice would finish me.

It's just so selfish.

One child is a lot if you're doing a good job of parenting. And that's a regular healthy child, not considering the reality that any child can be born with serious health issues that need lifelong care, or have a disability, or be neurodivergent and require much more support. To really put in the time and effort of raising them to be polite, kind, well-rounded people, supporting and encouraging their education, providing opportunities, spending time together, etc. making sure they're up to date on vaccines, that they're seeing the dentist and optician, that they're eating healthy stuff most of the time. I remember seeing some advice about how if your child is struggling with their behaviour to try and make sure you have some uninterrupted one on one time with them every single day for ten minutes. And thinking wow, some people must be spending so little time with their kid that finding 10m a day to be together is a goal to work towards.

Unfortunately a lot of people have a child because they want one rather than considering the perspective of the child. It's so rough.

A bigger gap is less bad as usually the older child is a bit more self-sufficient. But when you see people proudly boasting they're going for two under two or three under three cos 'it's better to get it all out of the way at once!' I just think better for who? Certainly not the children.

Yes I do a bit. I come from what is I guess considered a rather large family (3 kids) and I always felt like we were a struggling family. Families with 1 or 2 kids seemed way more balanced. And less scruffy.
As a result, I've never wanted my own family, always wanted to live alone and not deal with other people's mess.

My family is a also a blended family and I found that utterly useless. I don't see the benefits for kids. Might be convenient for adults, but I don't see the positive for the kids.

The only thing I’d judge is why your husband has had 5 kids?

How can he possibly be the best father he can to his three earlier kids, when he goes on to have two more, relatively quickly too? I’m sure your shared kids now take time and attention away from the first kids which is really sad.

Also - his children are still young, how long did it take for him to move on from his ex, meet you, and get you pregnant? Sounds like he works quickly which is also a bit grim given he has three lovely kids.

Sorry - quite a bit of judgement there it turns out! I wouldn’t judge the number of kids, just the above.

I have three kids with my husband and if we were to split, which we’re unlikely to as we work hard on our relationship and had a solid decade together before kids, I wouldn’t be having anymore. My three children will always be my priority. I can’t imagine going off and having kids with someone else within a few years - just why?! It’s unfair on the existing kids who need support, love, attention, finances. It’s not like he had just 1, he already had a full life with three innocent kids.

No, he’ll have five children across two families. He pays maintenance to his ex for the first three. We would love to have them more but can’t do 50/50 due to distance (she moved).

His ex, I assume, claims benefits because she doesn’t really work. She also has younger children. But that’s her business, not ours.

I don't judge stable families. I do admittedly judge people who have numerous kids with numerous people.

Just wondering if you’ve planned for clubs or tutors as they get older, holidays, university, help with first home etc?

I guess if you can afford all that for 5 AND you can give them all lots of emotional and practical support then it’s fine you (or more accurately your DH) have a preference for lots of kids.

For example my DD started ballet in year 1 and it was initially about £30 a month. Now years later she does it practically every day of the week as she is really really good, and it costs closer to £100 a month what with all the extras. Plus all the lifts and time spent taking her to performances etc. I’m so delighted we can support her in her passion. Some families had to say no and I know their DDs feel that they miss out.

Also we’ve been skiing since the kids were young and they are really really good. No way could we have afforded it with more than 2 kids.

We plan to support them every way we can well into adulthood as we were supported that way by our parents and know what a difference it’s made.

Families seem such a mess these days. Couple get together, have several children, then split and each has more children with new partner - what a mess. Ithink forcing children into blended families is selfish. If you split from your partner when you have young children, don’t date until they are adults and certainly don’t move a new man in with them.

I also don’t understand why people go on to have kids with multiple partners. I’m not sure why or what you’re getting out of it? You attempted to create a family, had your children and the partnership didn’t work out. Surely the thing to do is concentrate then on your joint children. Work together to try and give them as close to a life they would have had if you stayed together. What’s the draw of going on to have more kids with more people? What about your existing kids lives isn’t important to you?

See I think you’re generalising. I have three kids all under 7. They’re best friends and play all the time. My two eldest in school at in top sets for reading and always praised by the teacher for their behaviour. They go to a variety of extra curricular clubs including a music school as well have a healthy income having worked hard for 10 years before kids, going to uni and working our way up the career ladder.

We live in a 4 bed house in a nice area.

My husband and I are from large families (3 and 5 kids respectively) and both of us are managers in professional careers, both of my siblings are too - all with degrees.

I chose 3 because I wanted a full family with lots of options for them in the future to lean on family. We have lots of nieces and nephews and get together most months for parties and play dates.

Large families doesn’t equal struggling families. I look after my 3 while working part time. We’re a well balanced and fairly high achieving family. It’s stressful at times for sure and very noisy but that’s offset with lots of joy, play and family.

I agree, when families have 5+ kids there has to be lots of external support, unless big age gaps, but it’s more than possible to have more than 1 child and still be a good parent and role model.