Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

I think if I’m being really honest I’d probably judge more the addition of more kids on top of step children.
That judgement would be placed on your husband for having 2 more kids when he already has 3 with someone else, I know that’s wrong but I think that would be my initial thoughts. I know a few people who have 3+ kids and they’re lovely families, but if the family split up and then the dad had more kids with another woman I’d definitely judge him.

Some large families look like they’re great fun, have got it together. Others…don’t.

I don’t really give much thought to other people’s family set ups, in all honesty beyond thinking the “have them close together to get it out of the way” mentality is thoroughly unappealing to me in every way. I’m about to have my second 10 years after my first however, which would be equally unappealing to others.

I have a friend with a huge family. They are on UC as the dc have SEN. I don’t judge at all they are absolutely lovely but others who don’t know the full circumstances judge a lot and it can be horrible I’ve been with her when she’s had comments off total strangers and it’s shocking.

I think they're crazy, but I don't judge them morally as long as the children don't have a dramatically worse quality of life due to it. It would be very unusual here to have more than 3 children (and even 3 isn't common) but I doubt anyone cares enough to judge if they're all happy and healthy.

Unfortunately I work adjacent to social services so I see a lot of cases where kids are living crap lives due to their parents having too many children. The amount of overcrowding (and I don't just mean sharing a bedroom) we see is appalling, as well as parents who aren't capable or can't afford to keep base level acceptable hygiene and nutrition.

I'm not sure if this is a judgement but honestly every time I see someone with 4+ kids I just think how much I would not enjoy that! We're having 2 and I could not handle any more than that. So it's more just thinking that it seems like hard work and people must be really organised or I guess find their calm amongst the chaos. I couldn't do either of those things and I don't know anyone who has that many kids personally so not sure how people actually manage.

Yes! I think they are being selfish and not thinking about what's best for their children. They will not get all the attention they need and when people live a small apartment it's just cruel to have many kids and in the latter case I def think it's benefits motivated.

I don’t judge but I do shudder at the cost of all those kids when they hit their teens and uni years.

Interesting (and a bit sad!) to read that so many would judge because we have a blended family. I have, on multiple occasions, found that other mums at baby classes aren’t interested in pursuing friendships once they know about SC.

It wouldn't really register with me unless it was more than 3 (or if I knew it was a Catholic family then more than 5 maybe?)

If they seemed to be coping well and have the resources for it, i wouldn't usually judge at all. I might think rather them than me, only because I found having small children (i only have 2) quite challenging.

I can't help judging when people choose to have a huge family and then moan about ... the consequences of having a huge family. A woman i know has 6 kids, the eldest girl now has a baby and the boyfriend and baby live with them too. She kind of boasts about having a big family, saying things like nature means you to start young, it's the most fulfilling purpose for a woman, she feels sorry for those who "only" have one or two. But the other half of her FB posts are moaning about how she never has any time, money or space for herself. Well, duh.

I also judge when people have kept having kids to try for one of the other sex. A girl I went to school with is the youngest of 6 daughters. Her oldest sisters would tease her and say "daddy cried when you were born". My friends ex husband (different family!) is the seventh child after six girls. He was a total pampered prince and narc. Then someone i met at baby group after she had her third son now has five boys ... and a baby daughter. She openly admits she would have kept going if number 6 had been another boy.
All those poor "spare" kids in between!

No, I think you can have as many as you like as long as they are looked after and you are not relying on the tax payer to foot the bill (which I have read and you aren't).

I know someone with 9 kids to 7 dads, now that is wrong parenting! Never worked a day in her life, kids are aged between 30 and 3, one moves out she knock another ones out

I judge people who can't afford their lifestyles and rely on tax payers to fund them. This is whether they have too many kids, big cars, expensive holidays - whatever.

No, I avoid them.

Try the judgement of just having 1 child 😅😅😅😅

Why?

I think people are often trying to work out if we’re very rich or very poor and can’t quite understand how we’re neither.

I think @AureliusS you need to explain how you even KNOW that "people" are trying to work this out .

I really don't mean to be cruel, but it feels like your "large family" is a huge part of your personality.

You want people to criticise, because it means you can then defend your family and your choices once again.

It becomes part of the identity of who you are as a person, how much you've "fought" for your family and how amazing it is that you have the right number of rooms in your house, and the right setup to be able to care for them.

I don't mean anything ill by this, but it's visible from space how much you want people to 'react' somehow to your family, to comment, to give it validation either through criticism or praise.

Maybe, just maybe, you're a regular ordinary person with 100% more kids than the average, and you somehow want to be more than ordinary, so here we are on a forum telling you it's ok to have made the life choices you've already made anyway.

Some people do judge, I don’t think there’s any getting around that. We’ve got 7 - 2 teen from DH’s first marriage who are with us most of the time, 2 little ones together, and then 3 in the middle via a kinship adoption. I do think the varied ages makes it less attention-grabbing for passersby than “4 under 5” or such.

People absolutely get weird about the money aspect and sometimes make comments or ask rude questions that there’s just no truly graceful way to answer, but we’re comfortable financially so it’s not terribly anxiety-provoking to field those with vague comments.

Some people are disapproving about my working and having paid help with housework and childcare (of course this is always framed as my help, not DH’s), and there are always some people who are simply convinced our DC must be deprived in some way. 10 years ago I would have spent a lot more energy worrying about the that and trying to convince people otherwise, but my mid-30s have fortunately come with a lot more wisdom around recognizing whose opinions are worth my attention and whose aren’t.

But the majority of reactions are some combination of indifference, “better you than me” and mild curiosity.

100 a week !

I judge in the sense that I think they're absolutely bonkers to want that many.

I just looked it up, I think it’d be about £280 a month if we were claiming child benefit for all five due to our salaries.

As it is we claim for one (about £80) and will claim for the new baby too (so will be about £140 I think).

I am from the second half of a blended family, my husband from the first half of a blended family, and honestly, the main reason both worked well was that the first dads were 100% out of the picture.

There are still issues in both cases, a small family and a large one.

It's your choice and you have to live with it, not any posters here. But I'm not going to lie about my experiences, or pretend that everything might be hunky dory for all time. You're still only a short way into the life you've chosen, it doesn't hurt for you to think ahead to the pitfalls and mitigate them.

If blended families didn't exist then neither would I. I'd still never do it.

OP you really don't need to justify yourself!! Especially to mumsnet. I think lots on here are so quick to judge and make assumptions!

Anyway, no, I wouldn't judge you - I'd probably think 'how does she do it' as 2 is the max for me, but beyond that, I wouldn't give it a second thought!

Good luck with your pregnancy!

I’ll admit I went into it naively. At the start I felt DH’s ex was more rational and similar to me than it’s turned out she is. If I had known back then how she’d be, I would have run a mile. She would firmly prefer DH was out of the picture too, but he’s not going to give up on his kids.

I see my role as making sure they have a decent life and are treated fairly when they’re in my home.

No, I love a large family. Well a functioning one anyway. It is like the boldest declaration of optimism and love of family in an age of pessimism and navel gazing individualism.

4?! Those are rookie numbers! I’m 1/6 😂. I’m kidding, but no of course not. I don’t even judge people who are on benefits and have lots of children because I know there’s so many factors that go into why people have that many children. I have a friend who is 1/5 and her farther essentially kept her mum pregnant so she couldn’t leave him. They were exceptionally poor and I think we’re on benefits. I don’t believe in judging other people’s reproductive choices… because for all you know they might not have a choice, or they may lack the resources or information to make informed one’s.

Four kids I would not judge, fifteen I would.