Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

I wouldn't judge.
My BIL has 4 - 2 his, 2 his new partners and they potentially could have more together.

I judge some like the ones u see on tele complaining that they have a 3 bedroom house and have 5 kids and pregnant again and it’s disgusting that they can’t be rehoused

I judge on circumstances not large family per say. Like the parents as dc primary who have 7 children about 3 years each apart all have asd dignosis from young age and she expects everything to be catered to her children and for her to be supported. She isn't coping but keeps having more kids

Funny how men are never held to the same standards

Why?

Just so we know, what personality-shapers do you approve of?

I do judge yes tbh.

Partly environmental- we have too many humans for the planet. Any more than 2 (replacement level) is adding to the problem. 4+ is definitely unhelpful to the world.

Partly because I know how much time and attention my own 2 take up - there are already times with 2 when I feel I can’t give each the attention they want/need and balls get dropped occasionally. I think once you get to 4+ kids there are bound to be multiple compromises ranging from limits on activities (not a biggie), to medical or emotional issues not being spotted or dealt with, or admin fails, just because life is just so busy. Chuck a serious medical issue or SN into a large family and I suspect it is very hard to manage let alone give your other kids a good life.

In other words - 4+ kids is fine if every child and adult in the family is healthy, happy and doing well at school and work. But there’s always going to be times when that isn’t the case.

No I don't but probably because of my situation. I unintentionally have 6

2 step children
Then me and DH had 1
And went for a 2nd and have triplets. I blame DH as he's a bit older so I blame his sperm.

Where I live when I had DDs (2, FWIW) it was a status symbol to have three children - because it said you can afford it and to have one parent not working, usually - and people were certainly not looked down on for it. I felt that if we'd had three children I'd have had to have stopped working for a chunk of time and as the main earner we really couldn't afford it.

I do sometimes judge them a little bit. I don't think it's possible to give more than 3ish children enough 1:1 attention, especially those that don't live in the home full time.

I'm a little bit jealous though. I stopped at two because it felt like the right decision (both in terms of the attention we'd be able to give them and financially). But I'd secretly love to have tonnes of children.

Why did he not get a court order to prevent the move? Did he not want to bother equally parenting his three kids?

I couldn't respect a man who was fine with having his kids as part time visitors and living full time with more kids he created. That must really hurt his first kids.

I don't judge but I do think 'why'!?

So the background is that his ex had an affair when the youngest was a baby, found out she was pregnant by the other man, and then moved away whilst DH was at work to live with her family. DH thought she was having some kind of PND, she refused to see him but let him have the kids on weekends, and he felt it was understandable that she spent a few weeks being supported by her parents and moved back when she felt better whilst he continued working full time to pay their rent and caring for his elderly dad who is nearby. She enrolled the kids in nursery there without telling him, then moved in with the other man in that area, Covid and lockdown were at this time and the courts were backlogged, and by the time it went to court the children were settled in their new area with an established routine for care, and he (a shift worker with no family support) got EOW and half the holidays. She’s a difficult character with a diagnosed personality disorder but she’s not a terrible mum and they love her so I can’t see the contact pattern changing unless they request it as teenagers. We’d love to have them more.

I met SO just after they divorced. I didn’t want kids before but eventually met and fell in love with his, he wanted to have one with me and missed having the nuclear family set-up, we could afford it, and five years on, here we are. Life is definitely not what either of us expected and it is complicated, but it’s good. He didn’t abandon his kids or leave for me. We have a very happy household both when SC are here and when they’re not.

Outed myself there haven’t I!?

Obviously I wouldn’t tell all of that when meeting someone new and nobody can tell by looking at us as we look related.

Yes. And I include my parents in the judgement. My mum had two older kids when she married my dad, and they then had two toddlers and two teens at the same time, and my mum didn't drive.

There were lots of good times, but also lots of compromises on all sides. It's not bad that kids learn to compromise of course, but for us it was definitely a case of biting off more than they could chew.

My parents are estranged from my older sister, and it basically boils down to the fact that they couldn't give her sufficient care and oversight because they were battling two preschoolers.

Managing a large family is a bout so much more than being able to afford to house them.

This is how I felt towards large families too, before I had one!

I think people are often trying to work out if we’re very rich or very poor and can’t quite understand how we’re neither.

Its not a choice I'd make or can really get my head round tbh. Children take up so much time and money and need so much individual attention, I struggle to see how people can manage to divide their time up so the children get enough. So I suppose I might make a 'soft' judgement that it isn't a choice I'd personally consider optimum. However I'm aware it's none of my business, but you asked, and I'm answering you truthfully.

I couldn’t care less how many kids people choose to have as long as the family doesn’t get any benefits and can house and care for the children well. There’s a mum at school who has 9 boys in a two bedroom tiny house she doesn’t work and the boys run riot!

Hmm… Yes.

Certainly men who have lots of kids. I think it’s weird and often indicative of some sort of a belief in their superiority- that humanity needs as much of their genetic material as possible. (Also look at the Trumpian, J.D.Vance/Elon realm of men who think more children= greater virility and more status.)

When it’s women with a very large family, I would either think they were opposed to contraception on religious grounds or suspect that they felt something lacking in themselves- some sort of void that they were trying to fill by having more and more children.

If you’ll forgive the analogy; I’d think a woman with three or four cats had them because she liked cats. But if she had twelve cats, I’d be more likely to think she had them because she didn’t like herself.

3 dc isn’t a massive family. I wouldn’t personally choose to blend my family but understand that life happens so I get it. As long as parents can afford to support their children and have enough time to devote to each one (in my line of work I often see teens going off the rails and parents too preoccupied with the demands of their younger children to help them properly and I think that’s quite sad) then I actually think it’s quite nice. More love in the house!

In some families, it would be healthier to have more kids rather than 1 or 2.
It would take the parental pressure off, bring more fun and friends in the house.

I am all about having involved parents, but SOME parents of small families have far too much anxiety and are overbearing and unreasonable.

It's a bit like the old saying, "if you want something done, ask a busy person". A busy working parent with several children is often, not always but often, more relaxed and prioritising better.

It's a balance, so no I wouldn't judge, you need to see how it works individually.

I don't judge anyone who supports their children, no matter how many.
I do judge people who have many children and expect the state to support them.

Yes, I think so. When our babies are at school I’ll go back to work full time and we won’t have nursery fees so will have more spare cash. We both have careers with clear progression routes and we are likely to inherit. We want to help all of them buy their first homes.

We don’t go on a lot of holidays (Eurocamp or chalet type holiday once a year plus a long weekend usually) though. I’d like to go for more as I used to travel a lot, but it’s not essential.

No, I'm always envious of large families.

This

I wouldn't consider 3 or 4 children "loads", however I would wonder if someone with eg 10+ children could support them, and meet all their needs (practical and emotional as well as financially)
I know several families with 4 or 5 children and admire their organisation skills. I also know people with 1 child who make hard work of being a parent and having a pt job despite having lots of support.