Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

No I don’t judge families with loads of kids - large families can potentially be great.

At the other end if the scale I don’t judge families with an only child - being an only child can potentially be great - although brothers and sisters can be a blessing, kids don’t ‘need’ siblings iyswim, imo

Who cares? Let them assume and judge. You know your set up and you shouldn’t pay attention to the opinion of anyone judging (are you perhaps quite judgmental yourself??)

I know many families with 3+ kids, some will be on benefits and some work (and some are v rich!)

Hey , Sorry , but why do you care so much what random people you don’t even know think !!!!!
You seem happy with your family & every one is cared well for .. so 🤷🏻‍♀️….
You , yourself come across as quite judgmental being honest .
“they bathe & read every day “. !!! Like really !!! Your own perception of big families really isn’t very cool …
And as for all the PPs here messaging in , “ I would only judge if “ and then say whatever it is ye have to say ..🙄…( please don’t make me puke ) …

Okay, at 15, I'd judge - that's ridiculous, you'd never get out of the utility room.

I judge from an environmental point of view, if you’re self-supporting and not relying on benefits to fund all the extra children then you do you, but we have finite resources now and for your future grandchildren/great grandchildren.

God yes, absolutely.

Personally I don’t see funding university and a first house as a parents responsibility. This was never my expectation growing up or my children’s, neither were driving lessons etc. Sure, if we’d all had the spare cash those things might have been funded but myself, my siblings and grown up children, we all just got jobs and funded them ourselves. Yes of course that meant a tougher life than some and one of my grown up children is still renting, I was until my mid 30s, more of a societal issue than parents responsibility. Holidays too, we’ve afforded a few but definitely not every year and definitely not school skiing trips etc. However I can appreciate funding those things being a priority for you and then why you would choose to limit the number of children you have on that basis. We appreciated the clubs and hobbies we were able to do as children and has been a priority for us to fund those for our children, particularly as unlike adult children they are not able to just go and get a job to fund these things for themselves

Not if you can afford them - both in terms of finances and emotional actual parenting.

I know a few families with varying numbers of dc (including a couple with only the one) who are frankly rubbish parents which is obvious to anyone and I do judge. You do you but the impact their chaotic/alcoholic/abusive relationship lives are having on the DC is unforgivable.

And before anyone comes at me with a 'oh but they love their kids', loving your kid is a whole lot more than saying they love them. The evidence of the impact of having absent/abusive/chaotic parents is well documented. You make sacrifices, give up the booze and drugs, stop having awful relationships, stop popping out more kids than you can manage/afford/emotionally be present for.

I find this really off though. We are at a tfr rate of 1.44 - if someone has a bunch of kids that isn't going to change that.

And, from an economy of scales perspective, with shared housing, toys, bikes, clothes getting handed down - each child would have a far smaller carbon footprint than an only.

There’s a family at my DC’s school which has just had their 11th or 12th kid. They were featured on one of those documentaries a while back. I do judge because the kids are feral and are always getting in trouble.

I don't exactly judge, but I do think you're mad. But that's because I found just having one quite overwhelming and very hard work, so I have no idea how you're coping. It looks like insanity to me.

But obviously I understand that many people take it all in their stride and cope well, and I'm very envious of that. I feel I could just about cope with another baby now mine is 6, but I'm too old.

Actually I do judge if the babies are coming in very quick succession or there are more than can be afforded. I just think that's irresponsible. There's a family near us who had 7 when my baby was born, and they had a baby at the same time (six years ago). They've had at least three more since then. They are very clearly not well off. That I do judge, I'm afraid. Those children cannot possibly be getting enough attention.

People have asked why I care…

I’ve found it pretty hard to make “mum friends” since having my baby. Lots of friendly people and suggestions of meet ups, but then people seem to be put off by hearing about SC. Whether that’s the blended family element or the number of kids, I’m unsure.

Because SC don’t go to school near us we aren’t friends with any of their school friends’ parents. Almost all my friends who have kids just have one or two babies/toddlers and prefer to meet up when SC aren’t around. I’d love to make some friends with similar aged kids but it’s hard. It seems most people with big families are either very rich or very poor and we don’t fit in with either.

When we’re all out as a family I’ve noticed more and more raised eyebrows and disapproving looks from people of my age. Lots of “you’ve got your hands full” and “must be expensive with that many” type comments. We do get a lot of compliments from older ladies though!

So yeah. It does feel like we’re judged and avoided sometimes. I do understand why but it can feel isolating. And this thread confirms it’s not all in my head.

I appreciate this point of view. I think my perspective, once I’d had my two children, was that it was now a choice between another child for myself and my DH, or the extra financial support for my children. i chose to prioritise giving any extra we had to my existing children, rather than caving to the (at one point undeniable) biological urge to have more children.

My kids have had more of my time, money, attention, support etc than they would have had if I’d had any more.

But I also see big families and sometimes think it looks quite fun. Luckily my kids have cousins to whom they are very close so that has been an absolute blessing also.

I only judge parents who can’t/won’t look after their kids properly and they can happen with any number of kids.

All our older DC/SC love their baby siblings!! Yes can understand if their was favouritism towards the new siblings, we do try and make sure we spend 1:1 time with the older ones (even now as adults) so they are reassured we still love them just as much .. and we enjoy their company anyway

I don’t judge anyone’s family size (as long as all kids are loved and cared for), provided they do me the same courtesy of not judging me for having one child!

I would not judge you. I am not surprised at the view you hold though.

What I will judge is the (usually men) who have children with multiple partners and essentially then abandon each family for the next one.

4/5 children families are pretty common in the home ed world, so no-one bats an eyelid. However, outside of those circles, the judgement can be quite noticeable.

I don’t judge people purely on the amount of children they have but I do judge on their ability to afford the amount of children they have, the amount of time they are able to spend with their children and how their parenting style.

if you

• can’t afford your children
• are raising them to be feral
• never spend any quality time with them

i am judging.

I actually said it on another thread not long ago but I actually find having 2 kids to be increasingly rare these days. I could probably count on 1 hand the amount of 2 children families I know in this generation.

We have childfree friends, a few 'one and done' friends (we are late 30s, their kids are late teens now and they say they have no urge to 'do it again') and then most the rest of our friends/family with 3 (or a few with even more).

Two is seemingly almost always just a temporary step on the way to more here.

This is an interesting point. I was an only child to a single parent and I absolutely loved visiting friends who had big families. Maybe as our babies get older they’ll make only child friends, with parents who are happy for them to be included in a big family sometimes.

Of course. Lots of children usually means blended family/different dads, which isn’t healthy or good for the children.

Even if they’re all by the same parents it’s very selfish. You can’t provide as well emotionally or financially if you have 4/5/6 kids than if you only had one or two. You’re lying to yourself if you think you can.

You’ve put your selfish decision to have more and more kids over the welfare and wellbeing of your current kids.

So yes, I judge. Hard.

I judge people who have a large number of children they obviously cannot provide for. I was one of those children, and trust me, it's no fun.

But three children is hardly a football team. I wouldn't let it worry you.

I don’t know OP , maybe it is easy for me to say , but maybe surround yourself with nicer people ..
What kind of women are put off by you having more than one baby , having a blended family ..
Like sorry , but that is weird in my book ….
They don’t sound very geuine, or kid friendly and that’s being honest ..

As for the randomers out & about , seriously screw them !!! The way I always look at people that may behave unkind towards me is , I say to myself , is this really worth overthinking about , people I couldn’t care less about …🤷🏻‍♀️
You’ve said it yourself, you are happy when all the kids , you & your partner are all together..
And everyone is looked after well x