Do you judge people with loads of kids?

[AureliusS]

I have three primary aged SC, one DS and am pregnant. We look like a genetically related family when we’re together.

None of my friends have more than two children and in my demographic (late 30s, university graduate, higher taxpayer) it seems to be very rare. Certainly nobody I’ve met in baby classes has more than three and even three is rare.

I sometimes feel like people assume we are either on benefits or very rich rather than a regular average family and judge us based on that. AIBU to feel this way?

I assume you planned four children because you can afford them and have great support.

Yes. I'm the eldest of five, and we're all in middle-age working to repair damage from a childhood where there simply weren't enough resources (food, attention, love, attunement) to go round. I have one child by choice.

If they are bouncing off the walls, shouting, roughhousing, being rude and looking dishevelled, people will judge you however many kids there are.

I have two kids with a large age gap and my DC often meet all of these criteria except the 'rude' 😂. Though the 7yo will try it on sometimes. Meanwhile, my friend with four has quiet, beautifully behaved, well-turned out children who don't try to wallop each other when her back is turned. I'm sure she doesn't get judged when out with them!

I have three, lots of the families around us do but we are surrounded by bigger properties so makes sense. Feels normal to me though because of that.

We have all the funds and resources to keep everyone’s lifestyle at an high level for the duration of their lives and hope to build generational wealth that will filter down to their own children one day.

Partly judge and party respect. The judging part is mostly ‘why would they do that to themselves’. A third child would have broken me, my relationship to my partner and basically our whole family. If it works for you tho crack on!

I’m early 40s with 4 children. To be honest I had more raised eyebrows having 3 and pregnant with the 4th - than actually having 4 children.

Now the majority of comments are - how well behaved they are/ how lucky they are to have each other etc.

People will always have opinions - regardless of what they are - just continue to be proud of and enjoy your family.

I only judge people with lots of kids if they expect everyone else to care for them/over accommodate them. If they are expecting elderly grandparents to manage 7 kids regularly that’s not really great.

If they are self sufficient (beyond normal family help) crack on. I know a couple people with 7+ kids and they are great families.

I agree with this. Some kids are hard work regardless of family size. Also some parents are just better at parenting too, regardless of family size.

As long as kids are wanted and loved, with sufficient finances to care for their needs, it’s all good.

Same for my spouse. Lots to process for all five of them due to their childhood and what they experienced.

I do a bit, more than 3 I'm thinking why.

I know someone who's had 7 kids with 4 different dads, I definitely judge in her case.

Yes I definitely judge people with loads of kids. People who have loads of kids tend to be either rich and eccentric (like the Rees-Moggs) or poor/scummy/criminals (like Karen Matthews or Mick and Mairead Philpott). The judgment is more about the other behaviours though - having loads of kids is a symptom of their personalities which usually manifest in other ways. Mainly, it's a sign of self-importance.

Yeah I'd judge, no one needs 5 kids and it's not in the kids best interests IMO. The world is also already hugely over populated and more and more houses are having to be built and green land destroyed for the adults we already have. But you only have 2 kids so it's your OH I'd be judging really.

To be completely truthful yes, I do judge. At least when the parents obviously can't cope or meet all those kids' needs properly and just keep having more regardless. I'm from a deprived area and have seen some really upsetting cases of neglect.

However if you have 3 dc who are obviously well cared for I wouldn't find that remarkable. At most, I might wonder if or how you ever get any sleep.

I wouldn't judge (mainly because I have 4 lol), so long as the kids are well looked after etc. I guess you could argue that there are some that have them just to claim more money, but you'd have to know the ins and outs of their circumstances really. Sometimes life just doesn't turn out how you wanted it to, or circumstances change. I had virtually nothing when I had my first, but we made it work. I've always worked and have a supportive family, which definitely helps, and we're comfortable now. I do wonder how people cope when they have them close together though!

There are 4 large families in my town, over 6 kids in each. We all know them because they're feral tbh. So yeah I judge them, but it's more the allowed to run around tesco whilst mum shops, allowed to go to the park on their own as toddlers, teens allowed out all night on there own (caught on ring doorbells knocking doors in the early am) that I judge. Mums always begging for freebies on local FB as the benefits don't provide for their kids, but kids always scruffy. If your kids are well behaved and looked after then I wouldn't judge. But that is the typical large family around here which is why would would get judged.

I don’t judge on finances but I do sometimes wonder how people who have lots of kids (especially close together in age) manage to give each child the attention and input they need.

I’m probably biased though because I was the oldest of four and often felt that I was expected to just get on with things while my mum was busy with the younger ones, and I never got much one to one time with my mum. She’s a lovely mum but I felt like she was always too busy to take much notice of my interests or achievements. My friends who were only children or had just one sibling seemed to be so much closer to their mums when we were teenagers.

I'd silently judge your husband personally. I think it's poor form to have 3 kids with someone, move on and then quickly have 2 more with someone else. 5 kids to help support! It's a lot.

What i do have a slight issue with is when some say we claim no benefits at all but we do get child benefit well child benefit is a benefit.
Or people that have kids for money.
Then i think good luck to you all im not raising them thank god its not me.

I have 2 children and I'm pregnant, I sometimes take my niece and nephew out for the day so have 4 and a bump with me and the comments I get from MEN are shocking.
I have comments like "you've got your hands full" and them looking at my bump and saying "think you've got enough" and bliney how many, even the "you've been busy"
Not a word from any women though I think men judge you if you have lots of children and they aren't all mine.
I am also usually with my husband or my mum.

I don't judge as much with the same partner as I do people having children with multiple partners. I would judge a father who has three young kids with one, then moves on and has two in quick succession. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I do think the non resident children suffer in this case.

The father should focus on parenting his original children. Could he not have stopped the mother from moving away.

Sorry to sound harsh but I'm just so fed up with these feckless part time dads who just move on and start new families.

Well I’ve got 6 and 2 degrees, professional job and DH a higher rate tax payer, have not felt people have judged us for having a large family now. Much more judgement when younger, for being a young mother. Not so much with 1st actually but when had 2nd and then 3rd in early 20s, definitely!! The judgement as a young mother, if your child isn’t being always perfectly well behaved and content is awful and even if they are people are can still be very negative. You end up feeling constantly on edge and so much pressure to present a perfect picture. Not to be mention that pressure you then unwittingly put on your child as you know they too are judged so much more harshly than any other child. As much older parents now people merrily ask us if having anymore and despite having our last baby in mid 40s, didn’t face any negativity at all from anyone and so nice that it children behaving as children then is either sympathy or no one bats an eyelid

I don't think the number of kids comes into it. It's how well you can provide for them and raise them into decent people.

As a shopkeeper, I see parents who don't think they need to actually parent very young kids. Recently I had a Dad with 2 young kids let his toddler repeatedly run around behind the counter and throw stock off the shelves. No attempt to redirect his behaviour, I had to nicely ask for the items back and block the entrance to the counter and all the Dad could say was 'the lady said you can't do that anymore son'. Glad he didn't have 5 kids in tow!

When you say "judge you", has someone said something to you or are you just flying off with assumptions? Because it is no one's business if you decide you want 5 kids

Why do you even care?

People will have their opinion, you won't change it, so don't bother yourself.

You live your life and fk what strangers in the streets think.

Anyone that is in you circle, knows what you let them know.

Don't sweat the shit you cant control.

The only thing I would think is I'm glad that isn’t me and that is only if I noticed.