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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
Petitchat · 14/02/2025 17:37

Mmhmmn · 14/02/2025 17:30

I agree to the back scratcher. But think hard about packaging it together with some divorce papers, he sounds absolutely fucking awful.

Alternatively, just read him the riot act - you're not a concubine to a tyrannical medieval king ffs.

He is responsible for his neurodiverse cravings, not you - and you're certainly not responsible for his anger. Adults need to find ways of self soothing, not transfer their issues onto others.

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Kudos to you for staying.
I'm afraid I would find it so stifling and needy, I couldn't live like this no matter how much I loved him.

Petitchat · 14/02/2025 17:39

Sorry Mmhmmn,
that was meant for OP, not yourself

billycat321 · 14/02/2025 17:46

My late H wanted me to tickle/ stroke his back. Trouble was, it was very hairy. So were his chest and shoulders. It was like stroking a gorilla. I hated it.

Devianinc · 14/02/2025 17:46

Echobowels · 14/02/2025 17:03

Yuck. Those second two paragraphs... What an unattractive specimen.

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He needs medication, not forcible touching. He’s mommy problems. That’s little kids do when they’re around 2 or 3 and then it stops, but that all goes with getting a grownup bed, pottie training and getting rid of the pacifier. What big yucky baby. It’s making me throw up in my mouth. It’s so childish.

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2025 18:23

Achyarms · 12/02/2025 15:15

I really hate it when people swear at me so I suppose I dont don’t do it to him as it defeats the point I’m trying to make (I might have got pissed off in the past). Just trying to resolve it without making conflict

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There will be conflict because it's all about him and you're not giving him what he's demanding

He's an oaf and I don't see why you're with him

BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2025 18:28

How bizarre. I would not be able to cope with that nonsense. He gets angry because you don't want to tickle his back for an hour, unreciprocated on a nightly basis for the rest of your life? Not a great deal really on your side.

Tittibits · 14/02/2025 20:54

I genuinely came on to say YABVU because he won’t be a baby for long so enjoy it whilst it lasts. Then I saw it was a grown man. Fuck that!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/02/2025 14:02

JC03745 · 14/02/2025 16:32

@ForZanyAquaViewer I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

Why don't you buy yourself a foot massage machine???

I think you meant to tag @Anydreamwill.

I agree with you, though.

JC03745 · 15/02/2025 14:05

@ForZanyAquaViewer Apologies, yes, wrong person quote! 😬

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