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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stroke his back every night

209 replies

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 12/02/2025 02:11

BookASpaceCadets · 11/02/2025 21:29

He sounds like cat 😹

Show quote history
Dog Playing GIF by MOODMAN

If he was a dog he could do this....

enkelt2 · 12/02/2025 02:26

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:25

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

Ooh, my ex was like this. I also didn't like to be asked to offer touch.

OpalQuartz · 12/02/2025 02:32

Tell him to get a back massager chair

IridiumSky · 12/02/2025 03:54

Bloke here.

Your husband’s a bloody weirdo. I’ve never heard anything like it. Is this how some men carry on?

What a turn-off. No wonder you (presumably) don’t want to shag him. 🙄

Please tell him to stop being such a dick, and that some random guy on the internet said so.😀

Fraaances · 12/02/2025 04:09

Buy him a scratching post and tell him to leave you alone

Fraaances · 12/02/2025 04:22
Bear Scratching Back GIF by Storyful

Scratching post

mathanxiety · 12/02/2025 04:45

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

He's a pest.

Tell him he needs to figure out another way of regulating himself - that doesn't involve you becoming more and more annoyed and alienated from him.

There are gadgets he should look into.

His attitude to you, your body, your role as he perceives it in his life - all are completely off and in need of a reset.

How long have you been putting up with this?

mathanxiety · 12/02/2025 04:48

SociopathicGorilla · 11/02/2025 22:00

Give an inch take a mile. The only way to stop it is to take it off the table altogether.

Stop doing it. He’s abusing something that should be nice and he’s abusing you as well. Don’t discuss, tell. Inform him you’re done with it and you wont be doing it ever again. End of discussion.

He will sulk. But he sulks every night anyway. You can’t be happy living with someone like this.

Yes to this.

"Just say no".

Are you happy overall? Or just about putting up with a pretty unsatisfactory relationship because you're really busy?

MaggieBsBoat · 12/02/2025 05:06

My ex used to do this, and he was abusive (full on physical and mental abuse) so I view this kind of thing as a controlling abusive thing. It’s horrible. YANBU.

doodahdayy · 12/02/2025 05:18

This is really creepy and controlling. Just refuse. I assume he's doing little to help with bedtime also?

Userxyd · 12/02/2025 06:02

PullTheBricksDown · 11/02/2025 21:29

Tell him you'll do it on nights when he's put both children to bed.

absolutely this. My DH used to nag for sex the minute I came down from putting both to bed, shattered from the day. He'd have been working but then had a few hours on the sofa to chill / get in sexy mood. So irritating, like my next task on the list, never thought would I want to relax too before thinking about that.

Emma6cat · 12/02/2025 06:14

My mum used to tickle my dad’s hand every night watching tv, I never thought it odd as it was the norm in our house. Only when I started having friends round and they commented on it did I start to think it was a bit strange. He said it used to relax him and my mum seemed happy to oblige.

Newfoundzestforlife · 12/02/2025 06:34

He's selfish and manipulative. He doesn't care that your arm is aching and you don't even get a massage back! The nerve of him....Get angry back when he gets the hump! How dare he make such selfish demands? Are you just a massage machine to him? Tell him to buy himself one and leave you alone.

DorothyStorm · 12/02/2025 06:35

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 22:25

Yeah probably

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then it sounds like you need to work on leaving him.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 12/02/2025 06:36

I think you're married to my ex. Such a turn off. Tell him to do one

MissDeborah · 12/02/2025 06:41

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

🤮

Andoutcomethewolves · 12/02/2025 06:47

I mean, I love the sensation of having my back scratched or rubbed and so does DH (he'd never had someone do it for him before getting with me at the grand old age of 35! 😱 Now I wonder if I've created a (back scratch) monster 🤣). So we do regularly ask for or offer this. But neither of us would ever do it for 15 minutes straight, or 'demand' it and certainly we'd never get pissy if the other isn't in the mood or is too tired etc!

I agree with others that this seems indicative of an innate selfishness in your DH and the ADHD is no excuse (both my DH and I are diagnosed ASD/ADHD).

Maraa · 12/02/2025 06:52

My ex was like this. A grown man baby

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 12/02/2025 07:34

How did he cope before he ensnared a woman to do this? Did he go from having his mother stroke his back every night to having a girlfriend do this? How many dates in before that request comes up? So many questions...

Trixiefirecracker · 12/02/2025 07:55

Over40Overdating · 11/02/2025 22:27

I swear I’ve read this exact post almost word for word before, right down to the suspected ND, not enough sex and drip feed that he’s a controlling arse outside of this issue.

How are there two women this unlucky.

If you’ve spent any time of MN surely you would have realised there’s a lot of really demanding and selfish men out there. Or actually, just been present in the real world!

OpalQuartz · 12/02/2025 08:27

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt
Says it all really that he couldn't make an effort even once

brettsalanger · 12/02/2025 09:41

Eugh. I just got the ick in your behalf

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 12/02/2025 14:37

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

EWW.

You 'should' be doing this? Because he doesn't get enough sex?

I have to ask, how the hell do you stand him and not just snap 'fuck off out of here' and mean it?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/02/2025 15:10

I saw this last night, and then had an epiphany this morning that it was a joke thread and you were actually talking about a dog. Now that I’ve found the thread again I’m astonished to discover that I’m wrong. Your husband actually does this? Seriously, what the actual fuck?! Why the hell are you putting up with this?

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 15:13

Achyarms · 11/02/2025 21:39

He says he needs it for regulation (feels very tense due to adhd. I think he also has some autistic traits).

He also says he doesn’t get enough sex so I should be doing this whenever he wants.

Probably yes a bit annoyed at how much of my focus and energy goes on the kids

Show quote history

Tell him to fuck off when he says that you should be doing whatever he wants as he doesn't get enough sex. He'd never get either sex or back scratching again, the entitled twat.