To not want to stroke his back every night

[Achyarms]

Any time I watch tv (after putting two very small children to bed) my husband comes in and perches on the sofa and indicates I need to scratch/ stroke/ tickle his back. If I have energy I will do it for a while. If I ever say no I’m tired he’s gets grumpy/ angry.
if I say yes, then whenever I stop because my arm is tired (say about 10-15 minutes) he immediately gets angry and demands I keep going. He won’t stop asking. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go to bed to get away from him saying keep going over and over again.
i don’t think I’m being unreasonable but maybe I’m not being very loving? I don’t know what other people would do?
makes me want to not give any back tickles it never ends well he’s always pissed off. I’m tired I just want to watch tv and relax.

no he doesn’t give tickles or massages in return and the one time I asked he gave such a shite attempt

That would give me the ick on a major way...tickle my back...cringe

I’m in the same boat. It’s exhausting isn’t it. I’ve often got an aching arm of an evening. I’m getting a bit fed up tbh. They guilt trip you don’t they and even get stroppy when you won’t. Mine chews my hand.
Oh I thought you were talking about a dog! - WTF !!!

Surely this must be a joke post?

My cats are better behaved than that. And we operate on a consent basis.
Can't he go for an aromatherapy massage locally?

Makes sense when you add in the neuro, I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad, 😭 but it really helps with regulation, I don't get mad if he doesn't do it though, and neither should your husband, and I understand that it's hard for you at the end of a hard day with the kids. We make a joke out of it now and kind of make it transactional, so for instance he gets to watch football in exchange for ten mins , or I make a favourite meal etc . It works for us but I can see how it looks to anybody else😕

Who rubbed your feet when you were single?

I bought my DH a deluxe back scratcher from The Range. It's hilarious how ludicrously happy he is from this gadget. It's the best gift I've ever bought him!

He just gets itchy due to dry skin although I suspect regulation as well. Him being able to reach the middle of his back has been life changing for him. I was always happy to scratch his back — he was just reluctant to ask. Your DH seems to be acting like an entitled jerk here.

I'd buy him the back scratcher and tell him you don't "expect" anything and neither should he.

Then don’t swear. That wasn’t the important part of what’s being advised - people are saying to refuse to do this. You don’t want to, and it’s not a reasonable expectation. So say that and stop.

If the idea of saying ‘no’ to this man frightens you to the extent that it is not a possibility (or to any extent, tbh) then you are in an abusive relationship. If this is the case, please contact Women’s Aid.

This thread is full of hilarious comebacks, but please realise that what you’re describing isn’t funny in the slightest. It is very very messed up.

@ForZanyAquaViewer ha ha me, and when I lived at home my mum. It's a definite Asd ADHD thing, it really helps with regulation. But I think the main issue with the op isn't the actual act of doing this for her partner but the demanding of it and the anger if she doesn't. That is what's unacceptable.

You said I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

I suppose I’m wondering why, if you can do it yourself, you don’t just do that? Regulate yourself?

I love having my back scratched too. My husband does it if I am stressed and look like a crumbled mushroom (as he says,) I don’t even ask as I would hate to be pestered if I was him. But he knows it’s very relaxing and behind my knees too.

My dog demands this of me too. And boops me with her nose if I stop. I wouldn't tolerate it from a grown man.

I get slapped in the face with a paw if I stop tickling her belly when we are laying on sofa watching tv. 😂

Oh God tell him to fuck right off, yuk

😂😂😂

I could have written your exact post about 10 years go. In the end I used to do it badly on purpose. He’d moan, I’d moan back and gradually it got less and less frequent and now doesn’t happen any more. Probably not very helpful sorry.

I find this whole idea disgusting. Reading some of these replies is really repulsing me, thinking of someone being expected to rub another persons feet because it regulates them.

But I’m wondering if I’m missing out now.

Oh dear. This is me, I am your husband in this situation 🤣 though I ask for them in bed to help me get to sleep as my husband falls asleep so quickly then snores relentlessly. The idea is that I'll hopefully fall asleep before him 🤣

My ex was the same. He would demand I rubbed his back as he couldn't sleep unless I did. I don't mean just for 10mins either. If I read for an hour, he expected me to rub him the whole time. I started going to bed later and later, hoping to avoid it, but he would be waiting for me. Also said he didn't get enough sex and that I was neglecting him but I was pretty much raising the two kids on my own as well as holding down a job and doing everything in the house.

Admitted that he was resentful of the kids, controlling, coersive abuse etc. Actually told me he thought he was more important than me and the kids. I'm so glad to be on my own now. It's not nice when you finally get the kids down and have a minute to yourself to them have to use that time to sooth them like a child, constantly stroking them.

@ForZanyAquaViewer I have to have foot rubs and it drives my husband mad

Why don't you buy yourself a foot massage machine???

Yuck. Those second two paragraphs... What an unattractive specimen.

This is completely unacceptable. Is he bullying in other ways? With his attitude it would be a straight no from me. If he got angry or abusive I'd be looking at a divorce.

I agree to the back scratcher. But think hard about packaging it together with some divorce papers, he sounds absolutely fucking awful.

Alternatively, just read him the riot act - you're not a concubine to a tyrannical medieval king ffs.

He is responsible for his neurodiverse cravings, not you - and you're certainly not responsible for his anger. Adults need to find ways of self soothing, not transfer their issues onto others.

Amazing how such men expect you to still find them as appealing as you did on day one despite having to do everything for them and basically having to mother them as well as the actual children.

This genuinely made me feel sick. How can you stand it? 🤮