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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
Hopeallwillbefine · 11/02/2025 20:27

Are your daughters not invited to the wedding at all OP?
Or not invited to be bridesmaids?

Gizlotsmum · 11/02/2025 20:28

Do the see DSD more? I suspect you dislike for her is more apparent than you think. However if they see all children equally it does seem mean. I suspect your husband wants to preserve his relationship with his dad at any cost…

Moonlightstars · 11/02/2025 20:31

That's terrible behaviour from her and FIL. I would make it known that you want to not make DD feel left out so you are doing something else for the day. I would then take her away somewhere special and do your own thing.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2025 20:32

Would you have people who openly didn’t approve of your relationship to be in your wedding party? Why would you expect FIL’s wife to want to centre your family on her wedding day when you don’t like her? If your DH’s ex wife makes more time for her and has got to know her and involve her in their daughter’s life in a way you haven’t by just being “civil” towards her then of course she’s going to have a closer relationship with that granddaughter. You can’t have it both ways here: you’re entitled to want to treat her coolly and not entirely as family, but you can’t then be upset when she treats you the same way.

Alcazaba1 · 11/02/2025 20:34

I would go to the wedding as I am sure your twins would really enjoy the day. Take them shopping and buy them fabulous matching dresses and beautiful hair pieces, such as tiaras etc.
You can make them feel and look like princesses for the day and just all have great time together.

GRex · 11/02/2025 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

I think your girls will think it's no big deal if they get nice dresses that they choose and you don't make it into anything. It would be nicer if she had the 3, but perhaps that opens the floodgates to a bunch more on either side, whereas 1 is restrained enough to explain away. You've come this far round to attend the wedding, I think ignoring the bridesmaid bit is easy enough.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/02/2025 20:39

She’s FILs fiancé, still referring to her as the other woman is a bit pointless. Maybe she just selected DSD as she’s a little older and 1 older kid bridesmaid is nice, adding 2 7 year olds in changes the dynamic. I can see why they are upset but your reaction is over the top. It’s not your wedding.

Tetchypants · 11/02/2025 20:40

So all three girls are the biological grandchildren of FIL? Are you sure your husbands ex wife hasn’t been seeing them with the eldest?

I think I’d be putting my foot down and asking your husband to tell them she won’t be bridesmaiding after all.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 11/02/2025 20:42

In you shoes OP I would withdraw from the wedding. You've done your best not to be judgemental, and either in spite of your efforts, the bride to be is fully aware of what you think of her, or she's just being plain nasty to your two little ones, which I think is an absolutely disgraceful way to treat any child, let alone her husband to be's grandchildren. Tell your DH he can go to the wedding if he must, but in future not to expect you or your children to be going anywhere near his father and new wife. What a bitch she is!

mummyh2016 · 11/02/2025 20:44

I'd be pissed off OP. For the sake of your DH though I'd probably suck it up for appearances but wouldn't bother going out of my way with him in the future.
Do they expect you both to ferry DSD around on the morning of the wedding and for dress fittings etc? I wouldn't be doing that.

DaringLion · 11/02/2025 20:45

Why the hell would you pick only one granddaughter to be bridesmaid.Its wrong tell em to stick the wedding

JSMill · 11/02/2025 20:49

How horrible to treat the dgds differently. Little girls love to be bridesmaid and it's nice to be able to give them the chance to be one. It's horrible to deny two siblings but allow one to be a bridesmaid. How on earth is your FIL ok with this?

Livelovebehappy · 11/02/2025 20:53

I’d buy your dds princess dresses anyway, for the wedding day. I’d take them shopping before the big day and let them go all out on picking some beautiful bridesmaidsy dresses. And if your FILs bride doesn’t like it when they show up looking like bridesmaids, then that’s just too bad……

Topee · 11/02/2025 20:54

Livelovebehappy · 11/02/2025 20:53

I’d buy your dds princess dresses anyway, for the wedding day. I’d take them shopping before the big day and let them go all out on picking some beautiful bridesmaidsy dresses. And if your FILs bride doesn’t like it when they show up looking like bridesmaids, then that’s just too bad……

I was just about to say the same thing; you’ve seen the dress, get your girls the most similar one you can find!

ThriveIn2025 · 11/02/2025 20:54

Say nothing. Turn up on the day with the younger two wearing princess style dresses and pretend you don’t know what the issue is when she goes crazy.

mrsm43s · 11/02/2025 20:55

What's the make-up of the wedding party? Is it one child per side of the family? Or maybe one of each child's children? If so, it's absolutely fine, and quite obvious why they picked DSD rather than one of DTs. Equally, if it's just one bridesmaid totally fine. Three of her grandchildren and only one of his, maybe less OK (althoughthey are her bridesmaids, not his).

I assume DTs are invited to the wedding, just not bidesmaids.

She will obviously know how you feel about her, so it's surprising that you think your children should be first in line when she's picking (a presumably limited number of) bridesmaids.

DaringLion · 11/02/2025 20:56

Your husband needs to speak up favouritism is not ok ,He has 3 daughters

Original poster
Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:56

Thanks all, DSD’s mother isn’t in the picture. She lives with us full time. She has always had preferred treatment based on her circumstances, but only by outside family as we treat all 3 equally.
Her 2 biological granddaughters are also bridesmaids so it looks odd from the outside that 2 of FILs are left out.
Maybe I am letting my emotions get the better of me, but after years of being civil whilst being loyal to MIL there comes a point where it’s too much to carry. I’ve never openly expressed my negativity towards their relationship, it’s stayed between DH and I, as far as she knows there aren’t any personal issues towards her because we didn’t think it fair on FIL to make a fuss when their relationship became public.

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 11/02/2025 20:56

They don't even understand what bridesmaids are. You can tell them they have a special task to perform during the wedding (like throwing petals or whatever) and call them flower girls and get princess dresses for them. It's so easy to make them happy that age, you just need a little imagination 😉

lunar1 · 11/02/2025 20:57

Honestly your husband doesn't have much room to protest who his dad is marrying with Joe close in age all his children are!

But no, I wouldn't go if my children weren't invited.

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 20:58

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2025 20:32

Would you have people who openly didn’t approve of your relationship to be in your wedding party? Why would you expect FIL’s wife to want to centre your family on her wedding day when you don’t like her? If your DH’s ex wife makes more time for her and has got to know her and involve her in their daughter’s life in a way you haven’t by just being “civil” towards her then of course she’s going to have a closer relationship with that granddaughter. You can’t have it both ways here: you’re entitled to want to treat her coolly and not entirely as family, but you can’t then be upset when she treats you the same way.

Edited

This.

OP, look at your language about her.

Knickknacketty · 11/02/2025 21:01

I wouldn't put my DH's relationship with his father in jeopardy like this. There will be time after the wedding to raise things.

fashionqueen0123 · 11/02/2025 21:03

I can’t believe she’s done that. I would say that sorry but the 9 year old can’t be a bridesmaid unless the other two are- your DH can tell his dad this. And or course FiL can say something - it’s his marriage and wedding too! He sounds like a right melt.

2chocolateoranges · 11/02/2025 21:06

Not a chance I’d let them treat our children differently. Either all or nothing and I’d be telling fil and his wife to be. I wouldn’t stand for it.

whynotwhatknot · 11/02/2025 21:08

dsd lives with you so yes thats unfair-i woulnt go