DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

I think you should attend the wedding but purely just because I think by not attending, you’re giving her the drama that she’s clearly craving.
You said yourself that this woman is repeatedly trying to segregate the family, but if you and the twins stay at home and DH and DSD attend, then she’s won, she’s created a segregation.
Turn up, make minimal effort and leave as soon as is politely possible and then try and keep your distance from them in the future, they sound toxic.
Sorry to see all the abuse you’ve got on this post about the age gap, it has absolutely no relevance to this story so no idea why anybody is even mentioning it!

So EVERY other girl there was a bridesmaid/flower girl?
Really?

I'm already approaching Make-A-Wish and various TV companies to see if I can get a surprise Princess-For-A-Day experience. Preferably with me gatecrashing a wedding as a bridesmaid

This thread is so informative. It explains so much about the desperate creeping insecurity of a significant minority of Mners, who see ‘exclusions ‘ around every corner, project not being chosen for PE teams/getting a speaking part in the nativity aged 7 onto adult situations, and seem to have grasped from somewhere that it’s more socially acceptable to express outrage about your children being ‘excluded’, even in situations where it’s clearly imaginary, than about yourself. (See also threads about grandparental favouritism involving outrage about grandparents taking ten year old cousins to the zoo or for sleepovers and ‘neglecting’ an OP’s twin toddlers.)

It does also go some way to explaining why they struggle so much socially. No one in their right mind wants to hang around with an adult child who’s always checking to see whether anyone else got a bigger slice of cake so they can be outraged.

No, but there were only three kids and 20 adults. I wanted to know if all the other kids were flower girls. If they were I wasn’t going to bring her.

Probably best for everyone that you didn’t. Nobody needs to be dealing with that sort of nonsense on their wedding day.

She was 3
She would genuinely only really have noticed if you'd made a fuss
But it was also your brother and I would more expect him to include his niece than a MIL to include all her future grandchildren

But then that would be a very clear snub to FIL side of the family surely?

I personally don't see a problem with it, why should you have to have every child in the family as a bridesmaid to make it fair, they should however ask the parents first not the child, so the parents can decline on their behalf if they don't feel it is fair.

The whole bridesmaid thing is overrated and stressful anyway IMO, I was asked if my 3 year old would be a flower girl for my BIL wedding, I think they were guilted into asking because they were having another flower girl same sort of age, and MIL asked the questions about 'fairness'. I thought about it then politely declined, I couldn't think of anything worse than putting my 3 year old in a position where she had to perform a role in a production with people she didn't know particularly well, and I wanted to enjoy being a stress free guest at their wedding not being an unpaid toddler wrangler for the afternoon.

As it turns out the flower girl they did have, bless her, didn't have a clue what was going on, wouldn't throw the rose petals, wouldn't sit still, wouldn't pose for photos and her mum who was a bridesmaid was pulling her hair out.

I think the younger they are the more confusing and unreasonable it is to expect them to 'perform' on command.

3 year olds only care about things like being a bridesmaid if they’re told to care.

Totally petulant to miss your brothers wedding if you didn’t get your way. Your kid would have been upset - so what. Thats life! You are doing her no favours by going to such lengths to ensure she never experiences the tiniest of adverse events

God some people really don’t get that the world doesn’t revolve around them or their kid do they.

Praying for you hun 🫶🏽

I find they’re also the same people who don’t want to put the effort into anything or anyone, they sit around expecting to be invited, expecting inclusion and checked on every nanosecond but will never speak up and say “Shall we got to Alton Towers, I’ll arrange it and everyone is invited”

How can you not see how selfish that is? Why are you so afraid to expose her to a bit of adversity? Would you not just have not made a big fuss and got on with it?

To me a small wedding is more of a reason NOT to have so many bridesmaids

Thanks
I have had my eyes opened to just how deprived I've been in life

Could you ask her? She’s about to marry into the family and become a close relative by marriage. You will need to be able to communicate with her. Otherwise this is going to be a festering sore of resentment which will consume you. Could you say something like “it’s lovely that you have chosen DSD as a bridesmaid. She’s excited. The younger two are disappointed not to to be included in the wedding party. Obviously, it’s completely up to you who you choose to be in the bridal party but it would be really helpful for DH and me to understand the thinking behind choosing three of the DGC to be bridesmaids but not the twins. FIL has always treated the girls equally up till now and there has never been any favouritism so it’s a new situation for all three children to contend with. DH and I need to work out how best to explain this decision to them in a way that doesn’t drive a wedge between the girls or add to their upset”.
I can’t imagine what the reasoning could be - age, numbers, cost- but at least she will have to confront the fact that they are upset and you are bamboozled. It keeps it neutral. It shows that you and DH are a team. She has to state a reason that is credible.

Of course you can’t ask for people to be bridesmaids! What a horrible situation to put a bride in.

I wasn’t suggesting OP ask for the girls to be bridesmaids, just the reasoning for leaving them out so that the parents can better manage the situation. I was advocating open communication rather than seething resentment. Maybe there is a valid or innocent reason. Maybe the venue has a three child bridesmaid maximum. Unlikely, but who knows! Maybe she thinks the DTs would prefer sitting with their mum and dad than being down the front with the bridal party. Unless someone asks her, nobody will ever know.
amazing how many MN conundrums are solved by simply asking why!

None of the kids were in the wedding, so we went and had a great time. It turns out they aren’t horrible people.

Wow what a narcissist- you think not getting your way on behalf of a toddler on someone else’s day would be “horrible”? Really?

Please learn to read.

I have. I’ve read that you were willing to emotionally blackmail your brother into making a child - who has no idea what a bridesmaid is unless you tell her - he doesn’t want to be part of the wedding party

Whats the betting the small family with no bridesmaids was because they know who’s difficult and would make their lives hell

How exactly is asking if his wife’s nieces being flower girls emotional blackmail? No one knew I was going to leave my DD home if they were in the wedding. I was going to say she was unwell and leave her with a sitter on the day. I didn’t expect her to be in the wedding. We were just having a normal conversation. Would you like me to write a list of shit things I have done so you can argue about that?

i couldnt get get up over this, I’d just buy the twins nice dresses and get them to throw confetti

OW clearly wants to cause drama, just let her!! Go to the wedding. Keep it simple with the kids "I don't know why grandma chose 9 to be bridesmaid and not 7, yes it does feel rather unfair doesn't it especially as you're lovely sensible girls but maybe she could only pick 3 and she wanted to have her other grandchildren. We'll not let that spoil the day shall we. Becuase you're wonderful lovely 7s and whether someone chooses you or not doesnt mattered besides we'll have fun picking your dresses won't we!

Let your husband go to the wedding on his own, it’s not acceptable to not invite your other two girls. If you still go, what is that teaching your girls? That’s it’s ok to treat others in this way? Understandable that your husband doesn’t want to upset the Apple cart, but for you? I would put my foot down and go somewhere special with your girls.