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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 11/02/2025 22:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2025 20:32

Would you have people who openly didn’t approve of your relationship to be in your wedding party? Why would you expect FIL’s wife to want to centre your family on her wedding day when you don’t like her? If your DH’s ex wife makes more time for her and has got to know her and involve her in their daughter’s life in a way you haven’t by just being “civil” towards her then of course she’s going to have a closer relationship with that granddaughter. You can’t have it both ways here: you’re entitled to want to treat her coolly and not entirely as family, but you can’t then be upset when she treats you the same way.

Edited

this, you're not coming across as happy with the marriage so why would you want to be involved?

Avatartar · 11/02/2025 22:25

Id either go mega princess for your DDs or choose exactly the same dresses as bridesmaid ( say they chose them to look like their big half sister)

PandaTime · 11/02/2025 22:28

You hate this woman and claim to be loyal to MIL, yet you are upset that your children weren't asked to be her bridesmaids. Surely your issue should be about your stepdaughter being a bridesmaid rather than about making a stand about the lack of invite for your younger children.

Allowing any of the children to be the OW bridesmaids sends a clear message of support to their relationship and a right slap in the face for your MIL.

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 22:30

YANBU OP. What does your husband think about the twins being excluded?

Stravaig · 11/02/2025 22:30

KilkennyCats · 11/02/2025 22:18

You don’t support the marriage (and presumably have made that clear).
Why would you either expect or want your kids to be front and centre of it?

Exactly!

An entire drama confected, OP, so you can avoid parenting your daughters and teaching them that life is not fair, and that other people's weddings are not about fulfilling their silly, sexist princess fantasies. Especially not the weddings of people their mother openly hates!

Halycon · 11/02/2025 22:30

I wouldn’t embarrass myself by buying the same bridesmaid dress for the two who aren’t bridesmaids. Desperate.

Nothing wrong with buying them a nice dress for the day (if you go), but trying to force your way in to appear like part of the bridal party is cringeworthy.

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/02/2025 22:30

lunar1 · 11/02/2025 20:57

Honestly your husband doesn't have much room to protest who his dad is marrying with Joe close in age all his children are!

But no, I wouldn't go if my children weren't invited.

This crossed my mind, too.

The bride doesn't need five bridesmaids. Tell the twins something to placate them.

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/02/2025 22:33

ERthree · 11/02/2025 21:16

Your husband needs to stand up to his father and tell him he either treats all of the children equally or he doesn't see any of the. How can your husband stand by and let his father allow such behaviour ?

But they aren't equal. Two of them are six years old and have a mother who despises the bride.

Sooverwork · 11/02/2025 22:34

GRex · 11/02/2025 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

I think your girls will think it's no big deal if they get nice dresses that they choose and you don't make it into anything. It would be nicer if she had the 3, but perhaps that opens the floodgates to a bunch more on either side, whereas 1 is restrained enough to explain away. You've come this far round to attend the wedding, I think ignoring the bridesmaid bit is easy enough.

They were my first thoughts exactly ! The age gap between the children

Arran2024 · 11/02/2025 22:35

A thoughtful bride would include all the kids. Choosing one is passive aggressive.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 11/02/2025 22:35

Livelovebehappy · 11/02/2025 22:16

Oh come on. There would have come a time in the relationship when it would have been obvious he was married. And both of them share equal responsibility. Stop making excuses for women with a zero moral compass. I know if I was single, I would absolutely have nothing to do with a married man, because I have decent values, something ‘ow’ generally don’t have…

Show quote history

Cheaters. Lie.

She holds no responsibility for HIS actions

adviceneeded1990 · 11/02/2025 22:35

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 21:42

Do you often side with homewreckers then who have affairs with married men then destroy the family bit by bit? So many things have happened and nasty comments to MIL that I don’t understand why any one bothers with her or FIL so you can keep your judgements to yourself when you don’t know the full situation.
*3 years, my twins were born at 28 weeks and I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids, we received a very basic invite while DSD had a card asking her to be bridesmaid. All 3 have been bridesmaids several times and know what it means. I’ve told DT it doesn’t matter but underneath I’m seething.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t “side” with anyone because I’m not perfect and acknowledge that others make mistakes.

Your DH had a baby with a woman, then that woman disappears from the babies life, then he meets another woman and somehow they grow close enough with enough trust etc for that woman to be “raising” his baby all within 5 months?!I’m a step mum too and we met and married quickly by MN standards but that seems like lightening speed!

If it worked for you two and all three kids are happy and loved then that’s great, but I would live and let live when it comes to others and acknowledge no ones decisions are perfect! I do agree that asking one and not the others to be bridesmaid isn’t great, but if she hadn’t been a “homewrecker” would you feel as strongly? As others have said, maybe your feelings towards her are colouring your reactions to the wedding situation.

Original poster
Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 22:38

Yes there were extreme circumstances around DSD I don’t want to divulge too much for privacy reasons. DH was a family friend for 13 years, we got together when DSD was a year old.
My issue isn’t with the wedding itself, I couldn’t care less about it, it’s the fact my children are being treated differently as she is always slyly causing rifts then stands back and watches the fall outs.
Don’t put words in my mouth thank you, I feel exactly the same way towards FIL I’m repulsed at what he put MIL through to then flaunt his OW and force her on his family. DH wants his dad in his life so I hold my tongue for him as it’s not my choice to make. She holds all the strings and FIL goes along with it. Would all of you who are defending her stand back and let her treat your children differently right in their faces? She has only known the children for 2 years.
I’m shocked at how many women on here think her actions are ok and instead try to judge me when you don’t know me just to defend an affair. 2 years ago I posted asking for advice about my suicidal MIL and all the advice I was given was ‘do not have a relationship with OW or you’re a vile person’ funny how things change.

OP posts:
5128gap · 11/02/2025 22:42

I struggle to believe that a woman you can't bring yourself to refer to other than as 'mistress' and 'OW' hasn't seen through your 'friendly' facade to the contempt you hold her in tbh. She clearly doesn't like you to the point she is treating your children differently from your husband's other daughter. This isn't nice of her, but she perhaps feels that excluding the children is the only way to keep you and your disapproval and judgement at a distance on her wedding day.

Halycon · 11/02/2025 22:42

You said in an earlier post you’ve raised your SD since she was 5 months. Now she was a year old when you got together?

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 22:43

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 21:42

Do you often side with homewreckers then who have affairs with married men then destroy the family bit by bit? So many things have happened and nasty comments to MIL that I don’t understand why any one bothers with her or FIL so you can keep your judgements to yourself when you don’t know the full situation.
*3 years, my twins were born at 28 weeks and I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids, we received a very basic invite while DSD had a card asking her to be bridesmaid. All 3 have been bridesmaids several times and know what it means. I’ve told DT it doesn’t matter but underneath I’m seething.

Edited
Show quote history

If you disapprove this intensely, why attend the wedding?

Original poster
Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 22:44

Yes we were not in a relationship I helped him, we were very close friends it became romantic later on, apologies for not giving my life story when the post is not about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 22:46

LaundryPond · 11/02/2025 22:43

If you disapprove this intensely, why attend the wedding?

Show quote history

Clearly I don’t want to go to the wedding but DH says it will cause a big argument if I don’t and we should keep the peace for the sake of one day. DH doesn’t approve or like her either but it’s a condition of having a relationship with his dad, I’m not making him chose.

OP posts:
PandaTime · 11/02/2025 22:47

You didn't have to agree to SD being a bridesmaid though.

JustSawJohnny · 11/02/2025 22:48

I wouldn't allow one child to be involved and the others not.

Why does your DH think this is OK? Surely he wants his kids treated fairly?

Stravaig · 11/02/2025 22:48

I repeat, if you feel so strongly that your immediate family should be no-contact with FIL and his new wife, then you have a DH problem. First clue was when you two got pregnant when he already had a small child by another woman to care for.

Just STOP blaming everything you feel about FIL's behaviour and DH's non-equal treatment of his own children on the bride-to-be. It's incredibly misogynist.

Zippidydoodah · 11/02/2025 22:50

I think it’s despicable of her to leave out your two little girls like that, and I would also be livid. What a horrible, nasty woman.

tipsyraven · 11/02/2025 22:52

My older sister was a bridesmaid with 3 of my cousins when I was the age of your DDs. I got bought a nice dress and was taken out for a treat as consolation. It has not harmed me in any way whatsoever. Children have to learn they can’t always be the centre of attention. I wouldn’t stop them from going to the wedding as they will feel even more excluded from your FiL’s life and that wouldn’t be fair on them or your DH. On the other hand, you don’t have to go as you clearly loathe his partner.

Bojanglesmcduff · 11/02/2025 22:52

She is a home wrecker she loves drama she is leaving DT out. She destroyed a family bit by bit. She is segregating.
I think you’re letting FIL off lightly here. You’ve said you don’t like him either but it’s clear where you are focused here. They are (BOTH) obviously BU though. I’d be tempted to speak to dsd and remove her from the wedding party, then do something special with the three of them instead, like plan all 3 for ‘pretty princess’ type makeovers if that’s what they’re excited about

MissTrip82 · 11/02/2025 22:53

Is it the circumstances that have made them choose to have your DSD as bridesmaid? Something very sad must have happened for her not to see her mum.

It's not uncommon for one child to be bridesmaid if they're the godchild of the person or older or something like that. I wouldn't fall out over this. And I appreciate you got different comments two years go but perhaps different people are replying, as I don't think I'd ever suggest that adult children insert themselves into their parent's relationship to the extent they refuse to speak to the person one of their parents has chosen.