DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

It seems possible that she was a bit thoughtless in selecting DSD to be a bridesmaid, she might not have been divisive intentionally.

She might have thought it would be nice for the 9 year old and thought DT were a bit young - how old are the other bridesmaids?

But even if it was an innocent mistake it was thoughtless. I think particularly because they are half siblings and so it sort of causes a divine that isn't helpful.

It also possibly smarts a bit more because of what you mentioned about people treating DSD differently because of I assume whatever the situation was with her mum. Which will be hard for you as you are raising all the girls together and probably don't want them treated differently.

On the one hand it's nice for others to think of whatever difficulties or feelings DSD could feel based on her mum not being around. But on the other hand it kind of points out the difference between the girls when most of the time that isn't necessary.

I think I'd do what others suggested and have DT have their own lovely matching dresses so there's something a bit special there for them, too. But there will also probably be other things DT get to take part in together because of their age, which DSD doesn't, so it might be easier down the line to try and make it okay for them to have different roles in different things sometimes.

THIS 🖕
I was just about to post exactly the same as this @Shambrigade and the reason I think it's a good idea OP is because you've previously posted you're sick of the OW doing things to divide the family i.e. "as she is always slyly causing rifts then stands back and watches the fall outs." If you don't attend with your DTs, but your DH does with your DSD, then OW will have achieved just this: division in the family (specifically, between your DH and you) and she will know she's achieved it too. Why would you give her this satisfaction?
I think you can still buy your DTs gorgeous "princess" dresses to attend as guests - maybe put some flowers in their hair too? At 7 years old they'll look beautiful and as twins they'll likely draw some attention too.
Keep your cool OP and don't let OW win with more of her divisiveness. 🤗

I will have a chat with DH and tell him I’d like to cancel our attendance, including the children’s. Then it’s in his hands if he wants to attend.

Before you do this could I just ask you to practice telling someone why you did this. Like ... I and my children are not attending the wedding because ...

I really dislike the bride?

all of the children should have been bridesmaids?

Something else?

Your feelings are real but you can kiss goodbye to any relationship with your FIL if you don't attend and don't let his grandchildren attend. Your dh can probably kiss goodbye to a decent relationship too. So think of your reasons and ask yourself is it really worth that.

I mean it could all be a big grand evil scheme to cause drama but could it not just be that she feels the twins are too young to be bridesmaids/feels your DSD IS old enough and mature enough to be one?

Turning up with your twins in OTT dresses and making this a hill to die on in the family is just going to make you look a bit nuts. There isn't a rule that all children must be asked, especially when they're not the same age. Kids need to learn that not everything is equal all the time - tell your twins they're not old enough this time and support DSD in her role if she's already excited about it. It's not her fault you hate this woman.

It's arguably very questionable that you're going to the wedding at all as your animosity is like a neon sign. I understand you're going in order to support your OH - so why not just spare yourself all the stress, stop agonising over this and picking it apart and just... go to support him? Take the twins in nice dresses and be there for your DSD. Why does it need to be more than that.

Unless you're perhaps projecting your rage at this "mistress" onto a completely separate issue that just happens to be her choosing her own bridal party, as countless women do every day, in which case do be careful as it's your kids at risk of getting caught in the crossfire of this one.

I will have a chat with DH and tell him I’d like to cancel our attendance, including the children’s. Then it’s in his hands if he wants to attend.

I think that’s unfair to your DH and the children, especially DSD tbh.

I genuinely don’t understand why you expect all three to be flower girls? It is okay to issue an invitation to one child and not the others in situations like these imho. It would be different if two were asked and just one left out, but I think it’s fine to ask the eldest as a representative of FIL’s family. They are individuals and can be treated as such.

You can make this a fun occasion for DTs too…if you want.

I completely agree with this, I couldn't get worked up about the eldest being asked to be bridesmaids and the youngest two not, I appreciate there is a history there, but I think you may be reading into it a tad too much to be honest based on your personal feelings for the woman.

You are getting a hard time on here because you are almost exclusively blaming her for the breakdown of FIL marriage and subsequent problems, when really it's him you should be aiming your anger at, he broke that family apart, not her.. so if you can both forgive and forget him, then you should forgive and forget her, or at the very least accept it as reality and all move on with your lives.

Either go and support them because you genuinely want to or don't go because you don't want to, but don't use the kids not being chosen as bridesmaids as an excuse not to go, it's not fair to use the kids in that way at all.

This shouldn't spoil DSD's fun at being a bridesmaid and your DH should feel free to attend his father's wedding.

I think I'd decline for myself saying "Sorry, FiL, but DTs were very upset at being the only DGDs not chosen to be bridesmaids so I think it better that I stay home with them".

Leave it at that.

That’s not exactly leaving it though is it?
I mean…how to cause a family argument in one easy step 😅

Seriously though OP, it is okay to tell children that it’s not their turn.
Buy them gorgeous dresses (not flower girl dresses, that would be quite insane) and help them to have a lovely day.

So she has decided to have three bridesmaids rather than five ! I think that is fair enough, most people wouldn’t have any bridesmaids for a second
wedding and since you have made your attitude and feelings about her clear I can understand why she didn’t choose the seven year olds. Buy the girls pretty dresses to wear, They will have fun dressing up and being at the wedding, your DSD will have the experience of being a bridesmaid so she will have fun too. Take lots of family pictures of you, your DH and the girls.

And please try not to have a resting bitch face on if you are included in the rentacrowd wedding pictures!

It's perfectly OK for the eldest to be invited to be a bridesmaid and not the younger two.

That's not ostracising a child, it's asking the one she feels is age-appropriate to be a bridesmaid. 6 or 7 year old twins need a lot more wrangling than a 9 year old.

I think the baggage you have about this woman is skewing your perspective. You don't like her, you don't approve of the wedding, and you've said some pretty unpleasant things about her on here. That you're prepared to be involved at all is a little weird.

However, your DH has decided to go along with the 9 year old being a bridesmaid. A lovely thing for her and I hope she enjoys it. Your younger two don't have a right to do everything their big sister does - that's life. They will also get turns at things she doesn't.

Take them out to choose nice dresses, support your eldest and don't let this occupy any more of your mind.

Blimey the vipers are in abundance on here😮

Ffs anyone in their right mind would be upset if their girls were not asked to be bridesmaids as well.

If the OP was as 'venomous' towards the OW as some of the posters on here, I'm sure she wouldn't have got an invite to the wedding at all!

And all those commenting on the OPs DH in a derogatory manner about his DC bloody shame on you for being so judgemental when you know nothing about the situation!!

Very tricky situation OP. I hope it's a peaceful outcome🙏🏼

'Dripping venom' expresses it well!

Ffs anyone in their right mind would be upset if their girls were not asked to be bridesmaids as well.

No. They wouldn't. If it's the eldest GC of each family being bridesmaid. Or a token representative of FIL's family. Or because some of us recognise that children don't do everything the same!

I think it’s time your DH grew some balls, he might love his father but this is a man who betrayed his mother and is now segregating his children. If he can’t stand up to him son to father, he needs to stand up to him father to father.

You should also not be expected to keep your feeling quiet to keep the peace for his sake. If he can’t handle a grown woman expressing her unhappiness about adultery or her children being sidelined, you have in the words of MN a DH problem!

Me, in my middle-aged couldn’t give a fuck life I would buy my DDs the biggest most beautiful dresses and rock up wearing a full blown white dress to fuck them all off. If DH has a problem tell him fine, you and your daughters will spend the day with your mil and their grandmother.

im pretty much beyond caring about keeping the peace for horrible people, life far to short to pamper to others.

You are all invited. I don't see a problem.
It is VERY usual that only one child in a family is chosen as a bridesmaid.
Do some research, say, on royal weddings (because they are easily researched due to being published). It is rare that all members of a family are chosen as flowergirls or page boys. The bride might just want three attendants.

To choose one from a set of twins would be odd.
Be pleased that your eldest is going to be a bridesmaid to represent your DH/FILs side of the family.

Take your twins dress shopping for lovely dresses that don't clash with their sister, some nice hair clips and shoes and have them prepare paper cones of rose petals to toss.
They could also bring their own small cameras.
Think positive, be happy and realistic.

You will all be in the family photo.

In which case OP will be a homewrecker since she'll likely wreck her partner's relationship with his DF and potentially her own marriage

Quite!

I strongly disagree with this. I think it's pretty bizarre to be upset that two six/seven year olds who no doubt still need their mum around them 95% of the time haven't been asked to be bridesmaids.

Out of curiosity - Do you feel the same way about all other activities? The 9 year old shouldn't do anything the 7 year olds aren't old enough for in case it upsets them? Because there's absolutely no evidence that age isn't the sum total reason for why only one child has been asked.

It sounds like the bride is stirring the pot and using your kids to create drama. Go to the wedding, but don’t take the twins. They will feel left out having to sit and watch the others getting to participate. Just say they are sick, no one can argue over not taking sick kids to a wedding. This also gives you the option of leaving early. Leave dsd to have fun with her dad.

@FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly I think you'll find that the BOTH OW bio GC are attending not just the eldest. So there does look like a divide if you ask me. And I reiterate that most people would be upset by that!

We don't know exactly the make up ad OP hasn't answered

And it doesn't matter tbh. Because it's HER family and DSD is a token representative of FIL's

Plenty on here have said they wouldn't be upset and understand that older children do things younger ones don't!

@Evidemment of course it's bizarre to be upset🙄

I think you are allowing your feelings about this woman get in the way of this. Not surprisingly! Your dh’s relationship with his dad looks pretty vulnerable and might be subject to further stress after they get married, which could potentially affect the family much more than this wedding. Perhaps she’s doing it deliberately to open up a wedge between everyone, so I would try not to make an issue of it and smile and smile on the day. As you say all of your dd/dsd have been bridesmaids before, so I’d respond to this by getting your two daughters equally pretty dresses and something that they can hold instead of
flowers, such as little handbags, with exciting things inside, such as perfume, purses and embroidered hankies and do their hair beautifully so that they also feel like princesses on the day. It’s quite okay to tell them that as well as sisters, they are also individuals and as they go life they will not all have the same friends, opportunities or invitations.

good luck!

Right, so you rounded the age gap down (9 and almost 7) when it suited your argument to have the girls look close in age and rounded it back up to 3 years when it made your DH look bad.

In reality your 'almost 7 year olds' are 6, and in terms of what can be expected re: behaviour and reliability at a wedding, 6 and 9 are very very different.

Maybe instead of assuming the worst about her motives and talking about exclusion, consider that she thought containing two 6yos was a bit much for her on the day.

@FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly erm I'd read the OPs post if I were you..