DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

@Aurellia1 all three girls are invited, just the oldest has been asked to be a BM as well

You're not being serious are you?

Maybe there is a valid or innocent reason.

“I only want three bridesmaids” is a valid reason.

”I only want bridesmaids over the age of 8” is a valid reason.

”I don’t want you around me helping your younger girls on my wedding day, because you make it obvious you despise me” is a valid reason.

Exactly

You'd have lied about your daughter being ill? 😳

Agreed. This really isn’t that mysterious, far less evidence of the Bride’s Evil Homewrecker Scheming.

I mean, I get it, it’s tough watching the impact on someone we’re fond of when their marriage ends in turbulent circumstances through no fault of theirs, but all the more reason not to escalate things, or to think, as the OP appears to ‘Because you disgust me, you homewrecking OW, and I am only attending your wedding on sufferance, you are absolutely obliged to have my six-year-old twins as well as my nine-year-old DSD as your bridesmaids.’

Because you could very easily have said “Oh DD, look at the pretty flower girls! Aren’t you excited to get cake later? Don’t you hope your dear Uncle and his beautiful bride are having a lovely day?” Like a normal sane person, rather than leaving your very young child at home and pretending they’re ill because she didn’t get the exact same role to play as another child. 3 is ridiculously young to be worried about anything like that. Even if she did notice other kids had something to do, she also has something to do too. As a guest. Presumably she would be expected to appear in family photos, too? Which is plenty for a 3 year old after sitting still and listening during a ceremony.

So you'd rather she missed out entirely than get to spend time with her family?
If you think wearing a pretty dress and everyone cooing over her is more important than spending time with family then that goes a way to explain why a 3 year old would be so upset to be left out of something they don't actually understand

Considering she still gets to wear a pretty dress, it is a wedding after all!!

Yeah but where would be the drama in that?

None. ‘FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! Disgusting homewrecker!’

Sorry, I misunderstood.

Agreed.

Absolute madness to purposefully lie to your family who otherwise would have enjoyed the company of the child. Not to mention the expense to the B&G!

"Treat others" in what way?!

No one is doing anything "at" or "to" OP and her family. The B&G are doing what they think best; probably having a kid from each family as bridesmaid.

Honestly the entitlement is off the charts. Kids don't need to be center stage at all times. It's not their wedding.

Yep -unbelievably not all weddings are the same. It was quite an unconventional wedding and then of course there were people at the reception who were not at the wedding.

I've read all your posts again, OP, and genuinely think the way to win in this situation is to go, paste a smile on for your DH's sake and make sure all your daughters have a wonderful time. Don't cause upset in your own family for this.

I understand why you're upset. That's so mean of OW. I can't understand why FIL isn't asking her why she's chose just one of his Granddaughters & not the other two. I think if it was me I'd have said no to your DSD being Bridesmaid from the start when I knew the other girls hadn't been asked. I'd ask OW outright why she thinks it's ok having one Granddaughter & not all 3 see what she says. DH can have a relationship with his Dad regardless of this OW surely? If you do decide to go to the wedding buy your girls beautiful bridemaidy dresses so they can shine throughout the day like their half sister & it may just P off OW which will be a bonus.

just dress them in identical supercute outfits and let them shine on their own. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan (or your daughters) and they need to learn to deal with it even at 6 (God what are they like in school) and be pleased for their sister - there will likely be other opportunities they get but sis doesn't

Move on