DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Is the 9 yo the first grandchild? The eldest grand daughter?
if so I think it’s ok and fair even to have her as bridesmaid and the younger girls excluded from bridal party.
surely at 7 you can wear a pretty princess dress (of your own choosing) to attend a wedding, so not really sure why it’s an issue.

obviously if there are other grand daughters and the 9yo has been selected from a whole gaggle, and not because of seniority, then it is a bit unfair.

Your secondary problem is the husband, he should say all three or none of them.

I have been in a similar situation OP and I think it is absolutely disgusting.
I think I would attend but wouldn't let any of the children be bridesmaids. I would explain to oldest DD why in a way she understands without slagging anyone off.
I would probably leave the children at home and just go with DH and distance after the wedding.
All if these people defending her are crazy! How can they possibly think it's okay to treat children this way?!

How did you not say anything when the invite came?!

You have no idea why OP has brought up her SD since 5 months old . Not many mothers leave such tiny children with their father without very good reason.

She enjoys the fall out and devisions she orchestrates.
she sounds like a piece of work

dont give her that power.

buy your girls the dresses of their dreams, and enjoy the day.

Most fathers in that situation wouldn’t allow the 5 month old abandoned by her mother to be “raised” by another woman who was a friend at the time (as per the OPs previous post) then get her pregnant a year or so later. No one in this situation comes off brilliantly, but adult relationships are complex and if everyone involved loves the children then surely that’s reason to keep the peace so the children can benefit from these extended family relationships. The OPs DH clearly wants his Dad in his life as a father and grandfather despite his choice of partner.

Sounds like OW likes to cause trouble. At least the DTs have been bridesmaids before. You can buy them each a nice dress and tell them it’ll all be fine. Whilst inwardly thinking what a mean cow the OW is. She wants to piss you off and drive a wedge between the girls. She sounds awful.

Ok put aside the ow stuff as not relevant...I really don't see it's such a big crime to have only the oldest as a bridesmaid. If all 3 were your children would you feel this way? Or is it more to do with you being personally snubbed as your kids aren't involved?

6 is quite young and would presumably need you on hand to help with them whereas the 9 year old can go on her own to get ready etc. There does seem reasonable justification for the choice, this woman isn't related so does it really matter if she has a favourite - I really don't see that it's going to damage your daughters' relationship with each other.

Whatever the reason, if dad has a new woman already moved in when the baby is 5 months it's a bit suspicious.

“They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids”

So buy them the fanciest dress you can find that isn’t actually a bridesmaid’s dress, and job done. You can’t dictate who the wicked stepmother chooses as her bridesmaids, but you can make sure your daughters feel special.

Your DH is responsible for a lot of this with his attempts to run with the hare and the hounds. His father is the person primarily responsible for hurting his mother. He was married to her and so did her the greater wrong. However your husband has decided to focus his anger on his father's wife to be, because that conveniently allows him to overlook his father's behaviour while showing faux loyalty to his mother with his refusal to accept his father's partner. You are supporting your husband in this childish hypocrisy and its led to a mess that's impacting your children. If your husband had any integrity he would not want his eldest child to be bridesmaid to the woman he believes wronged his mother, at the wedding he supposedly so strongly disapproves of.
If it were me I'd be telling him to climb down off the fence and either accept his father and his wife properly or keep his distance. The situation is not resolvable otherwise and the children don't deserve to be drawn in.

Then your issue is with your DH, surely, rather than why a woman you clearly can’t bear has or hasn’t invited your twins to be bridesmaids?

Doesn’t it strike you as a bit much that you’re attending, under protest, the wedding of a woman you refer to as the ‘mistress’ and to whom you long to express your ‘disgust’, but at the same time you’re telling her she has to have your daughters as her bridesmaids? Isn’t it perfectly possible she thinks you’d be appalled to have them asked to be in her wedding party when you so disapprove of the relationship?

He didn't, read the OPs posts. It's complicated.

Get a grip. Not all kids in a family will be chosen together for events, and shouldn't be either as its life, and its realy not a big deal that the eldest has been chosen to be a bridesmaid. The youngest have been invited to the wedding just not as bridesmaids.

You are moaning about the fact the eldest got a fancy invite regarding being bridesmaid and the rest of you got a plain invite. What was you expecting a razzle dazzle gold plated diamond encrusted invitation ? It's their wedding and their choices.

And I find it more hypocritical that you will be attending anyways as you clearly dont like her or agree with the marriage with her being the OW. Hell I dont attend the funerals of people I don't like never mind a wedding 🙄

If she is doing this on purpose to cause a fall out then surely you just play her at her own game?

Being angry is giving her what she wants, bury it. Don’t say a word about it to anyone that may feed it back to her. Buy the twins some gorgeous princess dresses, slap a smile on, take them and have a fucking blast with your children.

I don’t expect her to have my twins as bridesmaids, as already stated my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again. I see DSD as my own daughter, she calls me mum and there is no segregation here. I’m calling her DSD on here so I’m not accused of drip feeding. I asked if AIBU to not go to the wedding as I don’t want to, but instead of advice I’ve mostly been attacked for my personal life. I was NOT moved in when DSD was a baby, some of you are absolutely awful on here I don’t know why I bothered posting.

Thank you to those who have been helpful and understanding of what my problem is, I will have a chat with DH and tell him I’d like to cancel our attendance, including the children’s. Then it’s in his hands if he wants to attend.

I get why you don’t like her but it was equally FIL’s fault and it’s perfectly ok to ask the older child to be a bridesmaid but not the younger ones.

I don’t expect her to have my twins as bridesmaids, as already stated my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again.

That’s contradictory. If you don’t expect her to have your twins she’s not leaving them out.

Can you and your DH refuse to let the older girl be ba ridesmaid so that all three girls are just guests on the day?

Apols if this has been asked & answered (haven’t read all the posts) but would you ask your DD’s if they would like to go to the wedding with very special dresses of their own choosing - make a Mum & DD’s day out shopping for their outfits and you could get an outfit for yourself to compliment theirs. That way on the day, you can be your own ‘glam trio’ and they can feel special with Mum. If they don’t want to go, you can give them the option of doing something lovely together with you. Either way, you will feel happier knowing you have done all you can to make the day as nice as possible for them.

You minimise damage:
DSD - goes as bridesmaid, as you will forever be the evil parents that prevented her doing it and after all she is excited.

DH - goes with DSD to support.
You and twin DD's don't go as kids are "ill". Do something epic to minimise their disappointment.

DH after wedding has to accept NC with Dad is going to happen eventually.
You slowly / quietly start to distance the children from all this toxicity.

Can you answer the questions about the other bridesmaids OP?
Are they the bride's only GD from her side?
Are there other "under 9s" not being included?
Are they the oldest children in their families?

You feel pretty hostile to this woman and I guess she doesn't want to invite your children to be bridesmaids for that reason, not particularly thinking about the children's feelings.
But it's DH's dad and he wants to stay close to him, so go to the wedding, all of you, and buy your DDs some absolutely fabulous dresses and make sure you get some great photos.

I really think it's unfair to put your husband in an unfair position over something so trival.

He wants to maintain his relationship with his father which is understandable.

I don't know how a child can feel left out when both of them are. That's not exclusion. If you had one child left out, it would be different. Your reaction determines your twins response and you are adamant you would to go nuclear at your husband's expense.