DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Similar happened with my friend she got her two daughters the fanciest dresses and shoes from Monsoon, lovely headbands and fronted it out!

How old are her GD? Does she only have 2? Does she have more than 1 child and it's the oldest from each family?

I can see why they might just want the eldest as BM tbh.

Don't try and photo bomb the pictures ffs

But it's obvious you strongly dislike (actually hate) this woman so your sour face will ruin the pictures anyway

It was your fil who wrecked his own home. Don't blame this woman. Anyway you can't possibly know what his previous marriage was like.

Obviously none of our business but one wonders how you ended up moving in with a man with a 5 month old child. Were you also an ow?

Sorry but have you actually met a 7 year old? She said years, not months. Also presumably the bride hasn’t agreed to them throwing petals?

I admit to thinking the same.

OP, maybe the bride is not having a huge number of attendants and a nine year old is fitting the bill.

Unless your girls are not invited to the wedding at all, I don't think you should worry about it. Tell them there cannot be many bridesmaids and they'll probably have the chance later on with someone else's wedding.

You are openly hostile to her! Even on here you make your dislike, no, your contempt for her clear. Why on earth would she want you or your children at her wedding at all? It speaks to her generosity of spirit that you are even invited.

Your misogyny in blaming her for your FIL betraying HIS vows to HIS previous wife is also repugnant.

You and DH need to agree your future relationship with them, and then follow through with good grace.

If you disagree with DH's choice, then your fight is with him, so stop taking it out on your FIL's new wife.

My cousin asked my sister in law to be a bridesmaid and not me. She had a huge wedding with 10 bridesmaids. It was a deliberate snub, aimed mostly at my mum (cousin's mum was behind it all). I was collateral damage.

I bet this woman knows exactly what she us doing and is hoping for a scene. Don't give her what she wants.

GRex · Today 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

Exactly.

The OP knows this and is also aware of what is likely to happen in the future. Hence, the misplaced anger at the 'mistress'.

But she should have some blame too. He may have broke his marriage vows, but she presumably knew he was married, but went with it anyway. Which implies she has a zero moral compass, and her lack of values meant she slept with him knowing he was married.

She might not have done
Cheaters lie
Stop blaming the woman when the man cheated

Okay, I was prepared to think there might be a reasonable explanation for this, but that's outrageous.

They should have asked your DH's permission first before mentioning it to your DSD, and he should have said it's all of them or none of them. Playing divide and conquer with children that age is completely unacceptable. Even if your FIL's fiancée is an insensitive cow, you'd have expected your FIL to be more sensitive to his other DGDs feelings.

I find it hard to understand how this has got to far along with your DH putting his foot down.

Maybe she wants to stop at 3 bridesmaids?
i think you’re being massively over sensitive and unreasonable

if you take your twins, buy them the most beautiful bridesmaid type dresses. Don’t let them miss out entirely.

This.

They're going to have a great time, it will be easy to make up a role for them.

You don't like her. Attend the wedding. Keep your head down. Keep your children happy. Smile nicely throughout. Leave as soon as is polite in the evening. It's not hard to keep everyone happy and minimise drama.

Op doesn’t need to have any relationship with her. Why would she? Her fil picked her, and she has no blood connection to OPs dh, so they don’t have to like her. OP and her DH can meet up with fil for a drink, or afternoons out. His partner doesn’t need to tag along. My df had another woman, who he ended up marrying. I didn’t like her. I still managed to have a close relationship with my df (eventually) that didn’t include her. It worked very well, on my side anyway. And when my df died I saw her at the funeral, 20 years ago, and haven’t seen her since. She was just a blip in my life.

How horrible of them to leave two children out and potentially cause bad feeling between siblings (especially when one of them is already likely to have some emotional trauma from her situation with her mother... by giving her preferential treatment they have highlighted that she is different from her siblings. That's something I'd go to great pains not to do with a child in her shoes).

I'd be tempted to go but get your younger two daughters 'princess dresses' too (in a different colour, but just as special). Make a big deal of taking loads of photos of the three sisters together, maybe have a group pamper session beforehand, and refuse to let her cause division in your family.

This is AIBU. You are asking for for judgements. If you don't want opinions, ask a mate who will sympathise instead of Am I Being Unreasonable.

You lost me in your first post, referring to the woman he plans to marry as his "mistress". Are you living in the 19th Century?

Oh come on. There would have come a time in the relationship when it would have been obvious he was married. And both of them share equal responsibility. Stop making excuses for women with a zero moral compass. I know if I was single, I would absolutely have nothing to do with a married man, because I have decent values, something ‘ow’ generally don’t have…

You don’t support the marriage (and presumably have made that clear).
Why would you either expect or want your kids to be front and centre of it?

I am of an opposite view - children hav e to learn at some point life isn't always equal. 5 bridesmaids is OTT. Just get them pretty outfits they can wear again and just say this time it is xx turn to be bridesmaid, and maybe come up with a treat for them, just them.

Finding similar dresses and such like is just petty in my view.

I remember being 11 and my two younger sisters being BM for an Aunty, at the time I was quite upset but looking back it was fair - I had prev been bridesmaids and they hadn't. I was also a lanky thing with straw hair weird glasses and a propensity to pull ridiculous faces in photos so I can now understand lol

I don't see the issue tbh. I have two sisters, and have been bridesmaid 4 times, once with one sister, once with both and once on my own. The idea that we came as some sort of package, seems strange to me. Your FIL cheated but your anger seems to be directed to his partner, I'm wondering why that is? If you raised SD from 5 months old, that doesn't look great on DHs part or yours. Either he allowed a woman who he barely knew to play mummy to his new born baby, or there was some overlap.

I think you might believe you’ve kept your feelings under wraps, but actually you haven’t.

You’ve called the woman a mistress and a home wrecker. I assume your FIL is treated with the same disdain?

Thought not.

Oh my ☹️.
How do you end up raising someone else's 5 month old?
How do you even sit at the wedding of someone you have such vehemence towards?
Have you considered she may not want or have the budget for a whole 5 bridesmaids?
I can see why you're husband wants to attend, so just send him with your stepdaughter.

I'd go but buy your dds princess dresses to wear. I wouldn't make a big deal about the bridesmaid thing just say they all get to look beautiful and have fun.