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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
ragandbonewoman · 11/02/2025 21:09

@Shambrigade are the twins actually not invited at all, or just not bridesmaids?

mrsm43s · 11/02/2025 21:10

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:56

Thanks all, DSD’s mother isn’t in the picture. She lives with us full time. She has always had preferred treatment based on her circumstances, but only by outside family as we treat all 3 equally.
Her 2 biological granddaughters are also bridesmaids so it looks odd from the outside that 2 of FILs are left out.
Maybe I am letting my emotions get the better of me, but after years of being civil whilst being loyal to MIL there comes a point where it’s too much to carry. I’ve never openly expressed my negativity towards their relationship, it’s stayed between DH and I, as far as she knows there aren’t any personal issues towards her because we didn’t think it fair on FIL to make a fuss when their relationship became public.

I would hazard a guess that she really only wanted her GDs to be bridesmaids, but extended an invitation to your DSD as a nice gesture. It's obvious why she'd choose DSD rather than one of the two twins.

Don't be a drama queen about this. Your DDs have the advantage of growing up living with both their parents. They'll make it over this little teeny tiny disappointment, and they'll do it much easier if you're not making a big fuss about it.

Gcsunnyside23 · 11/02/2025 21:10

Are the children invited? If they are invited I would go but I'd drop the nicities with her and I'd be inclined to let her know how disappointed the girls are. I commend you because I couldn't have kept the nice act up this long

Goldwhisper · 11/02/2025 21:11

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2025 20:32

Would you have people who openly didn’t approve of your relationship to be in your wedding party? Why would you expect FIL’s wife to want to centre your family on her wedding day when you don’t like her? If your DH’s ex wife makes more time for her and has got to know her and involve her in their daughter’s life in a way you haven’t by just being “civil” towards her then of course she’s going to have a closer relationship with that granddaughter. You can’t have it both ways here: you’re entitled to want to treat her coolly and not entirely as family, but you can’t then be upset when she treats you the same way.

Edited

Where have you got that the husband’s ex wife has any relationship with this woman whatsoever?

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 11/02/2025 21:13

Just buy the twins huge flouncy frocks and turn up. People will assume they are all bms anyway.. Let fil tell people they aren't or send them with a few bags of confetti.... Thrown at the bride..
While still in the box...

Catsandcannedbeans · 11/02/2025 21:15

To be honest OP your dislike for her may be more palpable than you think. Still not a good reason to take it out on your children tho. I would probably not let them go and take them on a “princess” day out instead.
If you want to be petty get them princess dresses as close to the brides maids ones as possible.

ERthree · 11/02/2025 21:16

Your husband needs to stand up to his father and tell him he either treats all of the children equally or he doesn't see any of the. How can your husband stand by and let his father allow such behaviour ?

PlumFairies · 11/02/2025 21:16

Can’t you speak to her and your FIL and ask the reasons why the two oldest aren’t involved? Sometimes an honest, adult conversation is needed.

Jellyslothbridge · 11/02/2025 21:18

With them being twins you can definitely get them matching dresses of their choosing and play a photo bomb the wedding photo's challenge. Extra points if you also have a matron of honor style outfit matching their dresses!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2025 21:18

We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple

On that basis you shouldn’t be going to the wedding. They don’t need people there who don’t wish them well.

On the bridesmaid thing, if DH is okay with DSD being one and the twins not then there’s not much you can do. Sending him and DSD but you and your two not going is going to create all kinds of drama and make a clear statement you won’t come back from.

DoYouReally · 11/02/2025 21:18

Could it not be a case that she has her one two grandkids and then invited the eldest from FILs just to have a representative from his side too.

Add in the twins- it's five and it's a lot.

Or maybe she just wanted 2 but didn't want to leave her own DG out.

I really don't think this is as big an issue as you perceive it to be. There's also a 9 year old without her mum and her step siblings are twins so she's probably not as close to them as they are to each other.

Flamingoknees · 11/02/2025 21:19

I can't see anything wrong at all in just asking the oldest, if she just wanted the one bridesmaid, or one more, if she has other friends or relatives too. Infact it's very kind of her, to ask from that side of the family. My oldest sister was BM for a cousin. Middle sister was bridesmaid for another cousin. It's no big deal.

Wolfpa · 11/02/2025 21:26

How old are the other bridesmaids? I think your obvious hatred of this woman is clouding your judgement there could be loads of reasons as to why they have only asked the eldest

adviceneeded1990 · 11/02/2025 21:29

I wouldn’t leave any of the children out the way this woman has but your language is exceptionally judgemental considering your DH has had 3 children by 2 different women in 2 years!

WinterFaye2 · 11/02/2025 21:31

I’d say to have 5 bridesmaids would be excessive.

Does your DSD want to do it? If so then I would just do as others have said and buy the twins princess dresses…I’d make a big deal with them about it and maybe all go (you DSD and DDs) on a girls shopping trip together. Turn it into a nice memory for them.

If DSD isn’t keen on doing it, I’d politely decline and leave it at that.

Notgivenuphope · 11/02/2025 21:31

But are the other 2 invited at all? Or just not bridesmaids?

Mymanyellow · 11/02/2025 21:36

I think it’s mean to leave your dds out especially as they all live together. Imagine one dd getting all excited and dressed up and nothing for the younger ones.

Bushmillsbabe · 11/02/2025 21:38

Looks like I'm the outlier, but I don't see a huge issue. Several times one of our girls has been a flower girl and the other hasn't, each has been a flower girl 3 times but never together, and neither has been bothered when they haven't been, they recognise that they need to take turns and happy for the other. In many ways it's more fun, can pick own dress and hair style, don't have to pose for endless photos. Some people only have 2, and often it's one from the grooms side and one from the brides side. It would have been hard to pick one twin over the other so went with the non twin, who at 9, is getting too old to be a flower girl so probably will be her last chance.

ForeverPombear · 11/02/2025 21:39

Why do the rest of the family treat DSD differently to your children outside of this issue? Is it because her Mum isn't around or is there a bigger story here?

Original poster
Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 21:42

adviceneeded1990 · 11/02/2025 21:29

I wouldn’t leave any of the children out the way this woman has but your language is exceptionally judgemental considering your DH has had 3 children by 2 different women in 2 years!

Do you often side with homewreckers then who have affairs with married men then destroy the family bit by bit? So many things have happened and nasty comments to MIL that I don’t understand why any one bothers with her or FIL so you can keep your judgements to yourself when you don’t know the full situation.
*3 years, my twins were born at 28 weeks and I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids, we received a very basic invite while DSD had a card asking her to be bridesmaid. All 3 have been bridesmaids several times and know what it means. I’ve told DT it doesn’t matter but underneath I’m seething.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 11/02/2025 21:46

I'd just suck it up. Buy your twins lovely dresses for the wedding and tell them they are going to have a lovely time.

Househunter2025 · 11/02/2025 21:47

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:56

Thanks all, DSD’s mother isn’t in the picture. She lives with us full time. She has always had preferred treatment based on her circumstances, but only by outside family as we treat all 3 equally.
Her 2 biological granddaughters are also bridesmaids so it looks odd from the outside that 2 of FILs are left out.
Maybe I am letting my emotions get the better of me, but after years of being civil whilst being loyal to MIL there comes a point where it’s too much to carry. I’ve never openly expressed my negativity towards their relationship, it’s stayed between DH and I, as far as she knows there aren’t any personal issues towards her because we didn’t think it fair on FIL to make a fuss when their relationship became public.

I don't see what the nature of their relationship has to do with the bridesmaid thing. The two seem completely unrelated.

It's none of your business how their relationship started quite honestly. Be less judgemental.

On the rift thing, how does this woman have the power to cause a rift between your children? On the face of it it's reasonable to only ask one older child to be bridesmaid rather than 3 including two 6 year olds. Are you spending a lot of time with her? If she's not nice then back off and let your husband deal with his father - surely there's no reason for this woman to have that much input into the lives of your children? I would not let the wedding be the hill to die on though. That will cause a lot of unnecessary hurt.

Hopeallwillbefine · 11/02/2025 21:48

If it’s just that the twins aren’t bridesmaids then I think you’re making a fuss about nothing OP, sorry. Bridesmaids are mostly chosen from the bride’s side, and to add one in from the groom’s side was a nice gesture. As a pp said, choose pretty dresses to make all the girls feel special and organise the younger two to throw confetti or something. Kids don’t have to be treated identically all the time to be fair, as long as it evens out over time.

ExtraOnions · 11/02/2025 21:49

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 21:42

Do you often side with homewreckers then who have affairs with married men then destroy the family bit by bit? So many things have happened and nasty comments to MIL that I don’t understand why any one bothers with her or FIL so you can keep your judgements to yourself when you don’t know the full situation.
*3 years, my twins were born at 28 weeks and I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids, we received a very basic invite while DSD had a card asking her to be bridesmaid. All 3 have been bridesmaids several times and know what it means. I’ve told DT it doesn’t matter but underneath I’m seething.

Edited
Show quote history

… yet the FIL (the one who was actually married) gets away Scot Free. You language about her is dreadful, but he hardly gets a mention.

Maybe the fact you are dripping venom towards her, hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Life happens.. people make strange decisions, for whatever reason. The only person in all of this that is eaten up, is you. Sometimes you have to let go, and let people get on with their lives. It’s very little to do with you.

pennydroppedtoday · 11/02/2025 21:52

You know what I would do OP.

Get your children absolutely stunning dressed each. Beautiful hair accessories and shoes so both your children and your DSD all look equally like a princess. Obviously in a different colour to the bridesmaids

That woman doesn't have to treat the three children in your family the same but you sure as hell will.

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