Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

I think he shouldn't be dating and should focus on his sons needs and establish a routine for the poor boy

Sen kids do need cuddles and support, and it's not okay for his sister to tell him to shut up when he's expressing himself or frustrated because he can't express himself

And there may be a reason he doesn't want to go home

You are right that he needs to sort things with his family.

I definitely wouldn't be spending my money on a man who seems to be taking lots of time off work, I'd wonder how stable his business is

Sorry op x

This relationship has zero legs.

Seriously.

His daughter is only 4 so it’s not really her fault when he’s screaming down her ears in the car 😂

I am my boyfriend’s family we have been together almost 2 years and most certainly won’t be splitting up. But it’s advice on the child I need not my relationship. As I feel like it’s a difficult situation I am in, I can see he clearly isn’t helping matters with his son but I don’t get a say and as awful as it sounds it does affect and put a strain on myself also. There are no boundaries or routines in place, which the most I try and learn about autism to understand his son more these are the most important things in a autistic child’s life, not just to roll over and give him his own way at every refusal to follow a direction. His education especially concerns me he never ever goes to school, his mum won’t allow him to come and live with us but is fine about just leaving him here with us for weeks on end. It’s all just a bit of a mess.

A child with low functioning autism is very hard to parent.

If you feel your partner is using autism as an excuse then you aren't on the same page as him.

Children with Autism often have a very difficult journey through the school system. Coping n mainstream all the way through is unusual and many end up with either special school or tutors provided by the local authority at home.

This is unlikely to get easier.

I understand with that. That’s why I’m asking opinions and advice as I genuinely have no idea how to handle it or experience in it. Even beyond the school he doesn’t have bed times, get up times, routine, rules, boundaries, nothing. It really does concern me how much as a 6yr old he’s allowed to behave this way when he comes down, then my partner wonders why he doesn’t want to go home where these things are in place. He’s such an amazing little boy and a pleasure to be around but veryyyy demanding and I’m just looking for the best way to handle the situation as it is really draining as I say x

I think you are lacking an understanding around autism and if you want the relationship to work you do need to learn more. The child isn't "kicking off" he is having a meltdown due to struggles with a transition. Autistic or not, it's not unusual a child would want to follow the non-resident parent around all the time, it's also not unusual there would be difficulties at handover time. Autism is likely amplifying all that for the child as he will likely have additional anxiety, struggles with attachment/separation, lack of understanding of the reasons his family aren't all living together, not able to understand and articulate his own emotions, difficulties with transitions.

You are kidding yourself if you think having an autistic child full time would be easier. It's not as simple as some routine and boundaries then autism is fixed. I do think your partner could manage things better but he isn't going to take your advice on board because you don't show any understanding of the child's needs.

It might be time for you to decide if this is what you want. You've already raised your child, staying in this relationship means going through that all again with the additional challenges of having a SEN child. If you don't want to do that long term end it, the sooner the better for the children.

This is tricky, does he have a parenting agreement with ex re bedtimes etc? A change of routine can be challenging, but although some behaviour needs to be overlooked as it's often part of the diagnosis, sometimes boundaries and consistency across both homes are key. He needs to be sorting this out with his ex.

I think perhaps the autism isn't even the real issue here, as your partner's behaviour with his son would be equally problematic with a five-year-old who wasn't autistic.

I mean, if your partner's son wasn't autistic, but simply kicked off and had tantrums when he didn't get his own way (which some five-year-olds do) I'm guessing your partner would react in much the same way.

The dynamic with the son and the daughter also reminds me a lot of a family I know where the boy (no SEN in his case) completely dominates the family with his tears and tantrums and almost always ends up getting his own way, while the girl is naturally a calm and well-behaved kid whose needs are put second because she doesn't kick off.

So while of course parenting a child with autism comes with challenges, it doesn't sound to me as if your partner's parenting issues actually do stem from his son's autism.

Once the fines start rolling in for missed school days they will soon sort it out

If he's only 5 you've got years ahead of you of this and resentment will only build on your side.He will only get worse as he gets older.
I'd cut the boyfriend/Disney Dad loose I'm afraid and live a peaceful life.

You have a BF problem not a child problem.

Your BF needs to establish boundaries with his children or ask you to take a back seat the times he has his children to stay. Whether you want that is a different choice. Kids come first.

His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum

This sentence in itself indicates how little you know about Autism.

The child doesn't need fixing or changing. He is adapting to his surroundings and needs all the support possible. His parents both need to make the children and their happiness a priority over anything else, and it sounds like they're struggling with it.

Edit typos

WHY would you want to be in a relationship with a man who can't parent?

Hence why I’m on here to ask opinions and advice on it my love.

He's 5 and has autism. Obviously you know the situation better than me, but it if not uncommon for a child like this to have no concept of a boundary and no way of understanding one. How much does he actually understand? Is is verbal? To what extent? Like you talk about how "he’s allowed to behave", but does he actually understand "how" NOT to behave in this way? When he gets frustrated, what is his cognition like? Is the behaviour him expressing dislike about a situation which he hasn't got the language to express verbally?

You say you are asking for advice on autism, which is great, but you are presuming that your boyfriend is a bad parent and could change his son... that's a pretty big assumption..... drop that attitude first if you actually want to make it with this man.

Your misdirecting your frustration here and have unrealistic expectations of this relationship.
you clearly don’t have understanding of autism and if you choose not to educate yourself that’s fine but don’t try and say you do
you want to dictate how your partner parents as you think you’d approach this differently.
your partner is trying his best to parent a little boy who will have extreme reactions to change (like going from home to home) amongst other things and needs a hell of a lot of compassion.
sorry to say but your post smacks of old school ‘this ND child just needs some discipline’ it’s not to say he shouldn’t have boundaries but your angle on this is all wrong and very self centred.
Either educate yourself on this child’s intricate needs and get off your high horse about parenting, your partner is on a very different journey to how you would have parented or leave the relationship.
if your partner has anything about him I think he will make the decision for you at some point if he hears much more entitled whinging about ‘what about me on these weekends’ and focus on his children

I feel for the little girl as well who is probably suffering from the Disney Dad giving in to the boy.
Routine and sensible boundaries .
Otherwise leave as it’s not going to improve.

As iv said my relationship won’t be breaking up and no opinions on that have been asked.

terminology is the least of my problems, a lot of people who post on here tend to focus on minor details and come across rude. It’s genuine advice on the situation I am looking for.

i understand there will be “melt downs” etc but by giving into the melt downs isn’t that teaching a child he will be rewarded for it? There must be better ways to handle this surely. I love you assume I don’t show understand of his needs from a post when I spend weeks of my life with his child catering to his needs. My questions are around how to deal with his autism and needs as my partner seems to just deal with them by giving in which in the long run is putting a rod in his own back. If we are keeping him here full time then we could get him into a proper routine and education, hence why I mentioned having him full time. As at the moment it does feel like when he is here it’s basically a break from reality for him, so of course this will encourage “melt downs” as why would he ever want to go back to bed times, school etc

How does your partner feel about his son’s behaviour?

I camw in here to say this too - don't think the autism is the issue here - more of a red herring

tell me you didn’t read a post without telling me you didn’t read a post. Wow. I have LITERALLY stated about how I have been reading up on autism to understand his son better which is the reason I am indentifying the issues even more so, I have also done a whole post on this to ask opinions of those experienced in it for help.

One thing many autistic people struggle with is transitions.
This child is constantly moving between homes and it sounds like he is really finding that hard.

Wow what a mishmash of responses.

The reality is that no one here can know how much his autism impacts his daily life and how much of it is poor parenting, but generally children benefit from consistency from the parents, whether or not they're autistic. It doesn't sound like the dad is providing that. In fact I'd say being consistent is even more important for autistic children as they often struggle with changes in their routine.

However, OP, you can't change how your partner parents. If he wanted your input maybe you could advise but he clearly doesn't. It's unfortunate but I'd take a step back.

He just treats him like a friend rather than a child in all honesty. It’s hard because he adores his children, but I really don’t feel like he does the “parenting” thing well? I don’t know! I know my daughter certainly had boundaries and bed times etc.