Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

When your child has autism, you have to adapt your parenting based on what you see in front of you. We co-slept with my autistic DC for years and years. It's pretty standard for an autistic 5yo to co-sleep IME.

Of course the child creates a fuss when it's time to go back to his mum's. Transitioning between different things is hideously difficult for an autistic child.

It's not unusual for an autistic child to stay up extremely late with their parent. Although taking him to people's houses and staying there until 11/12 at night gaming is just stupidity on the part of your DP.

He needs to get the child to school instead of just not going. That's also unacceptable.

Parenting a child with autism will take over your life. That is the reality. It's far more intensive and challenging than bringing up a NT child. You say your relationship is great, but you are already failing between you to agree how to look after the 5yo. He won't discuss it and you are already judging him (rightly in some cases, wrongly in others). You cannot be a bystander when the dc has autism. You need to think about whether you are willing to do it and whether he is able to do this parenting with you or not.

You cannot compare this child to his sister in any way shape or form.

The way you parent an ASD child is different to how you parent an NT child. If you are staying in this relationship you need to do some reading.

Also be aware that his behaviour may become more extreme, he may end up living with you, he may end up living at home for a lot longer than a NT child.

DD is 18 ASD & ADHD, we have had some very very difficult times .. much better now I am pleased to say. I had to change how I parented.

Unless you are able to change, and able to understand that this is a long-term situation, then this is not the relationship for you.

He’s not being rewarded for having melt downs!!! He’s being understood by his dad that this is really really hard for him. You wants punishing for behaviour that he very likely can’t control?
if you wanted advice on this child’s behaviour you’d be asking for that exclusively not moaning about the impact it has on you and pecking at your partner for what you perceive as being wrong.
theres online courses and support groups if you really want some advise

The problem isn't the autism - which you very evidently don't really understand, and yes you'd benefit from learning about that.

But the actual problem is that your boyfriend will (and should at this age) put his son first, and will parent how he wants to and you can't influence that, as he is not interested.

So your options are to stay and put up with this.

Or end the relationship.

You can't alter how he parents (he's shown you he isn't willing to discuss that), and you can't parent his child for him.

How can you handle it if your boyfriend won't listen to you ?

OP, he is a lazy father and a lazy man who has found a woman to pay for things.
This is the life you have clearly chosen and all that you think you deserve in a man.
His "business" is likely to fail with his lack of work ethic and you will be left to pay for everything.
He will probably want to move into your home too.

He is a lazy self serving father.
His son will pay the price.
Thank god your daughter has moved out not to be forced to see her mother so used.

Good luck.

Haha always the way on here, people use it as an outlet to vent and be rude to others I think when people are asking for genuine advice.

yeah that’s the thing I have to kind of just accept it but be left to pick up pieces like providing financially when our whole routine is flipped because he’s down for weeks on end again etc. or just not have my partner here for a few weeks. Which of course is hard, I would never ever expect to come above a child but I would just love a bit of routine with the whole situation or some structure. I wouldn’t even mind bringing him down and having him full time as at least then it would be a routine instead of just giving in to his meltdowns and him ruling the roost and doing what he likes type of thing.

So we should just allow his child to stay where he likes, be off school, stay up until gone midnight on his Xbox and get up at mid day and that’s understanding him? Or not allow his dad to leave his side to go to work because he wants to go along too. I don’t see how any of that is helpful at all?

Autistic children have great difficulty with transitions - home to school, class to assembly, one house to another. I’m not sure what is meant here by low end of the spectrum. Of course his sister is going to behave differently if she isn’t autistic. This sounds like typical 5 year old autistic behaviour to me.

Maybe re read your own post, there’s one sentence at the start saying you’re looking for advice then the rest of your lengthy post is you moaning about your partners parenting, his sons behaviour and the impact it has on you

Because you don’t have the first idea about parenting Autistic Children.

A meltdown isn’t a choice, you don’t punish it.

How did you used to handle their meltdowns can I ask? This is what I struggle with. As my partner just gives in. Where as I feel like maybe he shouldn’t be taught that a meltdown will get his own way. We could handle the meltdown and compromise if he behaves. This is the part I’m really finding hard at the moment as there is absolutely NO routine to his life or structure, which ultimately affects everything we do. I can understand he may take extra time with things, but at it is now it’s so hard. People on here can be veryyyyy judgmental but opinions like yourself who been through it are actually helpful.

You need to have this conversation with DP, not with MN. No one can tell you where to find the magic wand which will enable you both to parent an ASD child with as much ease as a NT.

Frankly though if you have had the talk about letting his child stay up much too late at other people’s houses ( 🤔) pretty dodgy for an child IMHO, and all the rest of the behaviours, and he has said that he doesn’t intend to take heed of your opinions, you are setting yourself up to be the financial and emotional support system for the foreseeable future. Think carefully whether your wonderful relationship is really worth that.

Nobody said punish it. The meltdowns are awful to witness and very sad. But do we just have to give in to every meltdown teaching him that is how to behave if by wants his own way?

What do you mean “give in” it’s not a battle.

Again .. a ND child is very different to a NT child, and until you understand that, you are not going to get anywhere.

Identifying and avoiding triggers is good.

Lots of repetition about what’s going to happen and when can help. Also structure is sometimes good. However if your partner quite likes staying up late with his son and having him for an extra day then there’s probably not much point trying to change anything.

do we just have to give in to every meltdown teaching him that is how to behave if by wants his own way?

Meltdowns and tantrums are very different. Meltdowns are not a choice, they're not a way to get what you want - they're a reaction to being overwhelmed (it's often sensory related), and the person having them doesn't have control of this.
If you try to manage a meltdown the same way as a tantrum, you will likely exacerbate the situation.

The spectrum isn't linear from high functioning to low functioning - look up spiky profiles, this will help your understanding. Also look up difficulties around transitions, and guidance on helping a child with a meltdown. See if there's a parenting course offered anywhere near you about parenting ND kids that you and your partner could go on (I did one of these, and I'm autistic myself - it was still helpful!)

If your partner doesn't want your input there's not really much you can do. Maybe if you educate yourself and understand autism better he might be more willing to listen.

'My partner will not allow me to say a word about it '

'I end up paying for everything ,it's really not ok'

Your partner really is a big part of the problem.

A child with autism can often have great difficulty with social understanding.

Think about a newborn baby. It cries when it is hungry, when it is thirsty and when it is in pain. It's considered very bad parenting to punish a baby for crying even though it's a really unpleasant noise and most parents don't like it.

That's because punishing doesn't do what the parent wants it to. If a baby is crying snd you punish it by "not giving in to it's crying" and don't feed it or change the nappy then the baby won't respond by not crying next time, it'll just keep crying this time.

In a similar way, some children with autism have trouble communicating that they are cold/hungry/tired/anxious.

If you try to punish a meltdown by not giving them food/making them stay cold etc then they don't sit there and rationally think "right, I'll communicate that better next time" they just get more and more upset and depending on the child may harm themselves or others.

Autism is a communication disorder.

Parents can help by having a routine of food etc so the child knows what is happening when. But equally that routine needs to be flexible so that if the child is sobbing mess on the floor you can work out what the problem is and sort it out.

He doesn’t ’want his own way’ when he’s having a melt down, he’s completely overwhelmed and cannot regulate himself. You might benefit from thinking of his behaviour as not being contrived in any way, he’s 5 and has autism.
his behaviour and needs are likely to be more demanding rather than less over the next few years.
I know my posts have been harsh, I just see alot of this approach to my friends who are parenting ND kids and trying their hardest. I am sorry you’re in this situation and hope you can make it work somehow, it’s just frustrating to read your approach

Low end as in he is high functioning, he isn’t typically “slow” without sounding rude. You wouldn’t know he is autistic until you actually knew him and was aware of his traits such as clinginess etc. you would just assume he’s a naughty child which he isn’t. Where as I have friends with autistic children where it obvious they are “different”. That’s what I mean. I am unsure how best to explain it without being judged.

What does his Autism Diagnosis say ? Level 1 or 2 (from what you say I doubt it’s 3)

I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok

Why, if you are so unhappy and paying for him, are you still together??

You either accept and adapt to how your boyfriend deals with his son, or you split up.

No amount of navel gazing is going to bring any other solutions.

It undoubtedly would help his son if the 'rules' were the same in both homes, with both parents.

However that is for your partner to figure out, and it isn't about punishing bad behaviour, its about providing familiarity and security, predictable routines - all of which is very difficult for a small child if they are spending some of their time somewhere less familiar!

You really really do need to go and read up about autism - you're still discussing 'giving in' to meltdowns. This isn't a battle, you shouldn't be thinking of the child as 'winning' anything, a meltdown is HORRIBLE to experience and is not a learning opportunity for him.

You should be aiming to avoid the meltdown happening in the first place, once it does... its far too late to take action or try to teach anything.