Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Again. A autistic meltdown happens which I get. HOWEVER the response to an autistic meltdown shouldn’t be changed.

let me ask you this, if you took your autistic child to Spain and he had a meltdown at the airport as he didn’t want to go home, you just leaving the child there because he’s autistic and it’s not his fault? Or are you taking him home because he has to go home? It’s the same situation! Yes he wants to stay with his dad but he doesn’t live there, his school isn’t here, his dad has work and he has to go back home. His dad at the moment decides to just allow him to stay as a result of them and life goes on hold until his son decides he will go back - this is the problem I am asking how people would address this situation. Not demonising and asking for a public execution for his son as I despise his soul for having a meltdown. Christ almightyyyyyyy

Nope, not all of them are (and it's not insulting to say so). Many autistic children have high levels of impulsivity and struggle to control urges. DS' school psychologist suggested this type of behaviour was often anxiety-driven, but I don't know if that is correct.

You are the expert in your ND kids only, no two are exactly the same.

Often asd kids dont sleep well so he may not be going to bed early at home either.
But i do think dad should enforce dc going home at the end of weekend
. He needs school and otherwise its true his routine is meltdown and stay longer.
I would have thought ideally an autistic child would do better being home with mum in term time and seeing dad in holidays to minimise changes.which would be hard with non sen kids.
Or going for days out rather than whole weekends.

You do not understand ASD. You won’t listen to people with ASD children who are trying to explain things to you.
Your partner has a child with a life-long disability, which needs to be his priority.

You want people to agree that “meltdowns will not be rewarded”, and the only ones who will do that, are those who (like you), have no experience of parenting an ASD child.

I’m getting some vibes from things you’re saying that make me wonder if this really is just purely out of concern for the child.

You referred to yourself as your boyfriend’s family, firstly. I mean, not really? You’re a girlfriend of less than 2 years, his children are his family and if he’s a good father they will always come first.

You also keep saying you love and adore his son, but then you complain about him staying with his dad for longer than just the set weekend and having to come with you on lunch dates because he won’t stay with anyone else or not being able to sleep there because his son will be awake and/or in his bed. If that’s annoying to you then why on earth do you think his son coming to stay with him permanently is going to make everything better for your relationship?

I don’t think you should continue this relationship, it just isn’t going to work. Not for you, for him or his son.

You’re actually being pedantic. You have clearly seen autism spectrums where some people are quite extreme and have certain qualities which makes them stand out as being autistic. Not that any end of the spectrum is any less beautiful than the other. But you clearly know exactly what I am talking about and there is absolutely not any other way to describe it when ASKED to describe it. His son would come across as any other child without autism and has no obvious signs, until you know him properly and see his ways such as clinginess and no boundaries you would just assume he was naughty.

A meltdown is not a tantrum where the child has agency but an involuntary reaction to overwhelming stimuli whether that is emotional or sense based. The child will continue to be upset and exhausted for some time after. It may be the case that the meltdown will stop when the source of stimuli is removed but that doesn't mean that the intention/calculation of the meltdown was to have that removed. As people have said, parents need to a lot of work at both home and school to create the stable safe requirement he requires. Otherwise insisting that the child does wants you want will escalate the problems not solve it. You are not approaching this as a loving invested parent would, which is entirely understandable but appears inconsistent with all your statements about being family and loving the child

OP, can I ask you an honest question? If you were given the best advice in the land from an expert on autism, would your boyfriend let you apply it to his son. Would he let you implement changes in his son's care, is he eager and waiting for your help and advice? Because if he isn't and he tells you to back off then all the advice in the world is not going to help.

Having two separate routines definitely isn't going to work. Even NT children struggle with that. The third option is your partner goes to visit his children instead. Because taking this particular autistic child out of his home and routine, and sticking him in a car for 2 hours there and back, is not in the best interest of this boy. Neither is taking him away from his mother, siblings, home and school permanently. Your partner is doing what suits him, not the child.

Low end as in he is high functioning, he isn’t typically “slow” without sounding rude. You wouldn’t know he is autistic until you actually knew him and was aware of his traits such as clinginess etc.
Saying "without sounding rude" doesn't mean you haven't been rude. Autistic children grow up to be autistic adults, and autistic adults are very well placed to help you understand your autistic child...but might not want to if you start trotting out ideas about autistic people being 'typically slow'.

Routine would be helpful, as would understanding how to prevent a meltdown happening in the first place (lots of preparation for transitions, for example). If your partner isn't willing to learn about and implement this, there's nothing you can do.

If you educate yourself more your partner might be willing to listen to you. If he won't listen, you're stuck with things staying how they are. It's his child and he'll parent how he sees fit, and you'll need to decide whether you can tolerate it or not.

But to say it's absolutely impossible for this child to be controlling the situation or having a tantrum just isn't right, it's very possible for this to be the case.

imagine you even had a say in my relationship … but anyway.

I AM his family and will remain his family. I’m sure you have seen the posts where I also say I would love for his child to come and live with us full time so we can actually establish him into some what of a normal schedule and routine instead of just not knowing from one day to the next how life will look and having social services getting involved as they are now which is normal exactly a good look. His children are welcome any time they please thankyou. It’s a bit concerning you feel anyone would be jealous of a child?

Aren't you focusing on the wrong thing? The little boy's behaviour is not the problem here, your partner is....

meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night,

This is utterly shit parenting. No excuses. He is failing his child. Why would you want to stay with someone like this?

we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok.

It's really not OK. Why would you want to stay with someone like this?

One of the reasons airports have special assistance for people with autism is that for some people with autism if they have a meltdown in an airport in Spain, yes they will miss the flight.

I have dealt with a meltdown in a train station and the staff wrote us a letter to allow us to travel later as the autistic person in Weston was on the floor completely unable to move.

The point of special assistance is to prevent that happening.

Am I the other woman? How on earth would you come up with that scenario. I’m far from that. Yes he moved 2hrs away, for personal reasons which I don’t want to discuss. He didn’t move up here to be closer to me no, he would have moved regardless and has family here.

See even that doesn’t sit right with me. Girlfriend of ‘less than 2 years’ so, a year? is saying, I either want your son to stick to the routine and go home when he is supposed to or WE have him full time live with us.

Wonder what his mum would make of that suggestion…

let me ask you this, if you took your autistic child to Spain and he had a meltdown at the airport as he didn’t want to go home, you just leaving the child there because he’s autistic and it’s not his fault? Or are you taking him home because he has to go home? It’s the same situation! Yes he wants to stay with his dad but he doesn’t live there, his school isn’t here, his dad has work and he has to go back home. His dad at the moment decides to just allow him to stay as a result of them and life goes on hold until his son decides he will go back - this is the problem I am asking how people would address this situation. Not demonising and asking for a public execution for his son as I despise his soul for having a meltdown. Christ almightyyyyyyy

Shall I give you a real-life example?

When DS was 3, I arranged to take him to California to see my sister and nephew. We rocked up to LHR, it's busy and there are lots of queues and people. DS has his first meltdown in the check-in queue, by the time we get airside he is in severe distress. I approach the staff at the gate and ask for help. Whilst speaking to them, DS begins to headbutt the floor so hard that he breaks the skin on his forehead. He was toilet trained by then (except at night) and urinated all over himself. He was catatonic until the next day, and we were in the Lorna Wing clinic the following week.

I did what any decent human being would do and took him home (after seeking medical attention). What I did NOT do was order him onto the plane in the interests of discipline and not rewarding inappropriate behaviour.

But I guess that's not the answer you wanted.

Oh as soon as the mum drives away (who’s driven 2hrs to get here) or we put him back in our car after driving 2hrs to get him back home he stops crying immediately. I understand the difference and why he is doing it. I get the level of the tantrum/meltown will be different due to his autism but he knows by acting how he is he will get the result he wants.

You don't understand meltdowns, "giving in to them" doesn't enforce bad behaviour. You're confusing a meltdown with tantrum. You can do a free course online about autism with the skills network, if your on Facebook there is a good group called Autism Inclusivity where you can learn a lot, the school may also be able to divert you to parenting courses specifically for autism. Your partner and his mother have likely had lots of advice, researched themselves and will understand the child better than anyone so you will likely learn a lot from them. Also look into PDA as this may be what he is presenting with.

But if he did that on the way home would you of left him in California with your sister?

My thoughts too.

I also feel sorry for the two young children whose parents have split up

Also… he did that as a meltdown due to environmental - understandable and not his fault. If he did that on the way home as he simply did not want to go home and wanted to stay on holiday where real life wasn’t a thing and there was no rules would you of made him come home or left him living the life in cali?

Honestly at this point I would take a step back, don't be there when the kids are there and do not subsidise him when he can't work because of his poor parenting decisions. This will only get worse until he has a completely uncontrollable teenager on his hands.

while the girl is naturally a calm and well-behaved kid whose needs are put second because she doesn't kick off.

Which, is often how autism presents in girls and why it can be ignored by parents and teachers.

This is something I am not going to keep saying the same thing over. Regardless of what it is, it cannot dictate the result of the situation.