Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Honestly, you want him to feel safe and give him boundaries. That is clear. Look up transitioning and find what you can do to help him. You’ll need your partner on board though.

Meltdowns will always happen. But no you don’t lay down and let it dictate your life all the time. (Somethings you do!)

It’s fustrating to be in this situation also as it does absolutely sound like I am harsh when in reality it’s bloody hard. I love the child to pieces I genuinely do, but I just wish either we take him on full time and get him into somewhat of a routine etc. or stop this silliness where he comes down and treats life like a holiday camp and my partner allows it. It’s absolutely not the child’s fault at all, I genuinely do blame my partner for it. But in his eyes he’s being a good father for just giving in and allowing him to basically do as he likes, where as even more so with autistic children they NEED routine. It can’t be a case of yeah sure stay off school, go to bed when you like, get up whenever. It’s easy to judge from the outside but in the situation it’s difficult as you can’t plan from one day to the next as when this happens life is thrown upside down and you just have to sort of handle it.

Honestly? If you live separately, can you just stay at your place during his weekends with his children? You’ve said you get no time together then and his children may benefit from only having their dad there (provided he doesn’t lean on you to do a lot of the childcare).

He's autistic, school refusal is common, schools in my experience work with parents to help, not punish them for a disability

An autistic meltdown is not a tantrum. He is not doing it to "kick off" or "get his own way", he literally can't control it in the moment, it's like a panic attack. So there is no "giving in", there is helping and accommodating and regulating.
Maybe your boyfriend knows his child and is doing what he thinks is best (which is often very different to traditional parenting advice) or maybe he needs some additional techniques to help

Yeah of course, with things like sensory issues clothes, noise etc I understand. But when it’s refusal to go home for school the next day I think that’s my main concern as it’s like either he lives here and we get him into a school here, or he lives there and he goes home when it’s time to go home! As a mother it’s hard to sit back and say nothing sometimes. But again I don’t have experience with autism so it’s just getting peoples opinions really who do and what to do best as it does take its toll sometimes, at least if we had him full time it would be some what normality instead of going weeks without properly seeing my partner because his son is off school down here and refuses to go to bed until my partner does and then wants to sleep all the next day as he’s tired so we can’t do anything etc.

What does the boy's mum say about him missing school and lack of boundaries when he's with your partner?

Your boyfriend should put his child(ren) first.
He will parent as he sees fit.
His child has Autism so the parenting will be more intensive, harder & go on for far far longer than average. It will likely get harder as School progresses too.
Parenting a child with Autism can over your life & is a constant juggling act.
If he won't discuss a joint approach you have to 'put up with it' or split up.

I will also say - you have been with this man for less than two years so have known this boy for even less time. I have no idea what the mum is like but if she gets the message that you wish you could have the boy full time and that you love him to pieces, this is likely to get her back up (rightly or wrongly).

If the way your boyfriend parents his children irritates you, you are allowed to take a step back. Getting involved in a blended family is the job of a wife (a pretty thankless job) so you can swerve it.

I do stay at mine when his children are here. That’s why when his son decides he isn’t going home I physically don’t see my partner properly for weeks sometimes because we can’t when he’s in bed, due to the fact he doesn’t go to bed! We can’t during the day because his son refuses to get up as he’s been awake til late. When we do plan a lunch or meet him his son refuses to stay with anyone so has to come along. So it does definitely take its toll during that time. I love his son and it’s certainly not a issue if he was to come live with us but it’s just difficult when there are no structure or boundaries or routines in your relationship due to it

i don’t even want to go into her to be honest but let’s just say she’s not exactly a golden mother, has many children and social services have already been involved due the fact they don’t go to school. That’s a whole other post which I’d rather not start!

i don’t even want to go into her to be honest but let’s just say she’s not exactly a golden mother, has many children and social services have already been involved due the fact they don’t go to school. That’s a whole other post which I’d rather not start!

So this poor kid has Autism AND two crap parents?

Ok understandable but if the son doesn’t want to go home, has a “meltdown” and gets to stay, what is that telling him the next time he doesn’t want to go home? It’s not like he lives around the corner n we can keep him in routine, he lives 2hrs away so no home means no school and at dads means no rules.

Not all ASD children crave routine .. one of the maybe ASD myths that float around

In that case, this may end up being a recipe for unhappiness. There is nothing you can do without being the bad guy - if you take a step back then you are being cold and distant. If you get more involved then you’ll be overstepping. Seriously, being a stepmother is a hard road even when you think the mum is okay (which it doesn’t sound like you do).

A lot of parents with Autistic children split up. Parenting an Autistic child takes a huge physical, emotional and mental toll.
And there is not even the certainty that they will ever "leave the nest".
Infant school can be the easiest time. It can get much harder as they get older.
Meltdowns are a reaction to sensory overload and are involuntary.

Why would you want to take this enormous burden on if you don't have to?

And I ask this as a mother to an autistic child.

I have a DD who is 15 & autistic & as you would describe as high functioning. We didn't know until later on life & as a younger child would have described her as strong willed. Routine helped her behaviours/struggles.

Even with "high functioning" he will still always have support needs. High functioning is no longer used as a term because it minimises the support needs. It's not about high & low but specific requfor support.

The problem sounds like you both aren't on the same page parenting wise. And if you don't agree, it won't be a good choice to continue

Yes! My children are both on the spectrum, but older. DD16 ASD needs routine under her terms, it can't be driven by us, but she's old enough to be able to work around surrounding needs like her home tutors and online school (she's not been in school for 3 years, they pay for her home ed)
DS12 has ASD/ADHD and he has a battle going on inside him, meltdowns are common and you can't just 'parent them out of it', no boundary in the world can stop them, they're expressing something. As others have said I think the ferrying around is awful for kids with ASD/ADHD. I heard of a situation before where the children remained in the family home and the parents moved themselves between a small flat and the home taking it in turns.
I'm sorry to say your approach is wrong, I think all adults are wrong in this situation but it's a difficult situation to navigate

I still cosleep with my autistic dd, 6 and I consider myself lucky because at least we're finally getting some decent sleep.

You need to learn about parenting autistic children. Because autistic children aren't just "normal" children with bad habits. Their brains are different. A lot of the things you learned from raising NT children won't apply.

Meltdowns aren't tantrums. They aren't behavioural issues. Autistic children don't choose to have meltdowns. They aren't doing it to get their own way about something. You cannot teach or punish autistic children to not have meltdowns any more than you can teach or punish epileptic children to not have seizures. Meltdowns are a symptom of the condition and it is important to learn what the triggers are to help avoid them while helping the child learn skills to manage them.

You are very naive if you think autistic children never make choices about their behaviour or throw tantrums (not meltdowns) to get what they want or try to manipulate the situation.

I totally agree I’m being honest. A lot of people don’t understand what I’m saying on here. But it’s not through him being a bad person he just loves his son so let’s him basically do whatever. Which I getttttt autistic children are different but you can’t just let a child decide they aren’t going to school an don’t want a bedtime and would prefer to sit on Xbox all night and sleep in til late the next day. Wouldn’t all kids love that autistic or not?! There has to be some form of normality surely, or a home education or at least some kind of mutual ground where he is rewarded for doing things required of him. It’s just a very difficult thing to live. I know children come first and always should but even things such as we had plans for Friday.. so far absolutely no idea if these can go ahead as he point blank refused to go home last Tuesday and is still here now.. not important if we have to cancel but would be nice to know what I’m doing! It’s the little things that you can’t plan when this stuff happens.

Whether I am naive or not behind the reasoning the result is still the same that his meltdowns do control the situation so the question is should that happen and what can change as ultimately it’s not healthy

he isn't typically slow

is incredibly rude op. And i think just reinforces the idea that you need to step back and let his dad who loves him and his mum get to grips with things

Even if he doesn't immediately come across as needing extra support, lots of autistic children differ in how they present even day to day.

1. Being autistic is far far harder for him then it is for you to live with. And he will have it forever and face associated difficulties his whole life.
2. Mainstream school is very very hard for autistic children. Does he have a EHCP? He could be having a very hard time which is why he doesn't want to go. The system won't fix this, only parents by advocating hard for support.
3. Some of your DP parenting behaviour doesn't sound ideal. But the thing is that when parents of neurodiverse children are not perfect (i.e. like the parents of neurotypical children), they are blamed for causing their child's difficulties.
4. The language you used like 'ruling the roost' suggests a lack of empathy and understanding.
5. None of this is as easy as you think.