Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

🤦‍♀️ disease

Sorry I did get this wrong.

NHS website says ‘autism is a spectrum’ . How is anyone supposed to know. The experts can’t agree!

It's not a linear spectrum. People have explained this.

One poster said the wheel is replacing the spectrum. Some people say it’s a spectrum wheel. Your tone comes across as condescending and unkind. My point stands.

It is not ok to mock those people who are trying to better their learning.

You’ve literally replied to people asking if they’re ’borderline autistic’ and ‘intellectual challenged’ when they’ve disagreed with your posts. It has been explained to you several times why you’re wrong, yet you keep doubling down with highly out of date information about autism. If you don’t know anything about autism (and you in particular really really don’t), then don’t give your opinion until you’ve updated yourself to the point you don’t cause yourself this level of embarrassment. It’s not up to the parents of SEN children to ‘kindly’ educate you, especially people like yourself who pigheadedly insist you still know better anyway.

The word meltdown doesn't replace tantrum. Meltdown is not behavioural. A meltdown occurs when sensory needs aren't being met, the child is overwhelmed with emotions and this forms a release of these emotions. My son head bangs when he can't cope. This shouldn't be punished. It's not a behavioural issue.

As for being clingy, he is finding his security in his Dad. His Dad is his safe space. My son latches onto myself or my husband yet can completely ignore his peers and not need interactions from anyone else.

I recommend you follow autismdad on insta or findingcoopersvoice and asdwithagand_t they are all parents of children with autism and have great advice about their struggles and successes. The last one wrote a book called the senbetweeners which is out this month. I'm definitely going to read it.

The world of autism and developmental disabilities is not the same world you are living in. You don't get it yet, which is ok it's challenging but be open to learn. Because if you continue with the same thoughts you currently have you could be damaging to a very vulnerable person in society.

As well it's often regarded that high functioning' shouldn't be used as a term. As autism is expressed differently in everyone with it, each of those people face challenges and it greatly diminishes those challenges.

Your tone came across “condescending and unkind” when you resorted to ableism and rudely tried to insult someone by suggesting they were “borderline autistic”. Similarly when you asked if somebody was “intellectually challenged” because they disagreed with you. I don’t think a short factual response (pointing out that something you’re confused about has already been explained in detail, with pictures) is really on the same level.

I have never insisted I know better. My unkind phrase was a play on words to their unkind comments. Unkindness, breeds unkindness. My original point was that people are being unkind to those trying to understand more. I am not embarrassed to admit that I am not an expert in the subject, indeed I was not aware that there is now a wheel. I am very supportive of helping autistic kids and I think it is fantastic that people are becoming more educated. My last point was infact stating that I am not knowledgable. I am happy to admit my own failing, something you on the other hand struggle with. You don’t like being called out for being unkind. You don’t want to help people understand more (that’s fine you don’t have to) yet you do want to tell people why they are wrong. There is a word for that it’s called being a hypocrite. Or is that terminology not correct either.

My unkind phrase was a play on words to their unkind comments.

No it wasn’t, that’s the worst backpedaling in history. The words you’re looking for are ‘I’m sorry. I used ignorant language to make up for my vastly inferior knowledge of this subject. I was wrong and I will not use such language again’.

I am very supportive of helping autistic kids and I think it is fantastic that people are becoming more educated.

If you want to be ‘supportive of helping autistic kids’, don’t wade into conversations that you’ve admitted you know nothing about with outdated information.

I am happy to admit my own failing, something you on the other hand struggle with.

What precisely have I ‘failed’ on in this subject?

You don’t like being called out for being unkind.

Not at all, what I don’t like is hypocrisy from those who freely use ableist language then becry they ‘didn’t know’, regardless of how many posts spelt it out to them in easy to manage language and didn’t resort to insults doing so.

You don’t want to help people understand more (that’s fine you don’t have to) yet you do want to tell people why they are wrong.

Most of my (and others) replies to you have explicitly been explaining why you’re wrong, in various, up to date medically, detail. You’re more than welcome to go back and confirm this yourself or I will copy and paste my replies to you if that is not something you can manage.

@Lozzq you have not asked questions, your posts have been downright rude, offensive and ableist. So stop gaslighting us.

And stop talking over autistic people. Because it doesn't sound as though any of your posts have been based upon real life experiences.

Wow! This literally proves my whole point. You are obsessed with being unkind! What a condescending way to respond. What do you think you will achieve with this? You are no angel, calling people pigheaded, ableism etc. I admitted that my language was not kind and when I was wrong admitted as such. Waiting for you to do the same?! The original point is that people are being unkind on the topic that is clearly complicated and nuanced. I was unkind to point this out in bad language (no backpedaling thank you very much).

My unkind phrase was a play on words to their unkind comments.
I’d love to know why exactly you think calling someone “borderline autistic” is unkind, who you think you’ve been unkind to, and why you even think calling somebody “autistic” is an insult in the first place.

Unkindness, breeds unkindness
You’ve just openly admitted to being (deliberately) unkind. I think you might have your answer as to why people might not be being as friendly towards you as you’d like.

You were unkind to others, but are trying to excuse your own behaviour while suggesting other people shouldn’t be unkind to you.
There is a word for that it’s called being a hypocrite.

Sorry, are you saying you are autistic?

Here’s the kindest advice I can offer. Don’t give your opinions on matters you know nothing about. It never ends well, as evidenced by your hurt feelings. The only thing I’d apologise for is derailing this thread, but in this instance I believe the op got exactly what they wanted out of it.

Have a good evening, I think our conversation has come to an end here.

my original comments were that there were a lot of comments being mean to OP when she was trying to learn more. The comments in the thread showed no sympathy for someone that was at least trying to understand. I thought this was unkind so wanted to show support that she was at least trying. With hindsight, as I have admitted, I should not have used the term borderline autistic’. I have not apologised for this so, I will do. I am sorry, this was offensive and bad judgement.
People on this thread have been obsessed with proving each other wrong, ‘schooling people’ and telling them they are ignorant and trying to one up each other. It seems my bad language has distracted from the point I was trying to make, that it’s complicated and we need to encourage people to understand more rather than shoot them down for tying (and often failing) to get it completely right.

It’s seems you are happy to dish but can’t take. I can do both… how ableist of me. At least we can agree on something, I don’t think we will get further. Goodnight.

It's really sad just how many posters see a child with autism and just focus on the autism part. Just because a child is autistic does not mean that every single behaviour on every single occasion is down to the autism. Some times a child with autism is just having a tantrum because they aren't getting their own way. Surely what is helpful to the child is learning when it's a tantrum and when it's a meltdown and handling each situation accordingly. The idea that an autistic child can never knowingly misbehave is doing them a disservice. It's how we end up with situations as detailed in another thread today where a boy is being violent in class and telling the other kids they can't do anything about it because he has autism.

He is creating THE biggest rod for his own back.
What does the child's mother have to say about it all?

I agree with you that the child needs consistency and routine. Your partner should be doing more r less what the child's mother does, and I am actually cringing with frustration over what she is having to put with.

But..... Your language concerning this child is disgusting. You clearly hate him and resent him. Your partner not only needs to get his act together and parent consistently , he needs to put the child first and get rid of you.

I would not let my child around anyone with that attitude.

This x100

I think you are getting confused with 'high functioning Alcoholic' or drug addiction, that's a thing.

Yes! I also have three autistic dds, all with vastly differing presentations. 21 years on this learning curve for me. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and differ vastly in our presentations.

Oh OP, there’s a LOT of Pearl clutching here isn’t there? You ask for advice and get absolutely lambasted for not using the right words when you’ve openly admitted you’re still learning. Grrr. How do people expect anyone to learn anything if they’re not allowed to not know/make mistakes? Bloody infuriating.

anyway. Couple of things.

1. echo what people have said about tantrums vs meltdowns. If he miraculously becomes regulated when he gets his own way - that there is a tantrum and he needs boundaries and limits.
2. low demand parenting and approaches is NOT the same as let them have their way all the time. Kids NEED boundaries and limits to feel safe. They will absolutely test the shit out of them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need them.
3. im interested if the autism has been diagnosed? The things you’ve alluded to re: birth mother makes me think that there is a heavy dollop of attachment stuff going on. Have a look at anxious/avoidant attachment styles and see if that resonates? It could of course be both - but it sounds like this child is desperate for some adults to be adults - he’s got too much control and that’s scary for a kid.
4. you might want to seek support from early help through social care. It’s worth checking out if family life at mum’s is safe and good enough. Might also help for dad to hear some truths about what parenting actually entails (spoiler: it doesn’t involve letting your kid do whatever they want so you can overcompensate for their rubbish other parent/guilt that you left or whatever)
5. I can’t believe social care aren’t already all over mum if he’s missing this much school!

I don’t think she is at all. If you read what she’s put, he’s not even attempted to try and set any kind of boundaries.
Allowing the son to take a day off school simply because he doesn’t want to go home and stay up on an Xbox till all hours.