Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Why not? Why can't it dictate?

I think part of the problem is that you are looking for solutions to help with a problem that your boyfriend doesn't want to solve. He is happy to have his child for longer, for him to stay up late, for him to miss school etc.

If he was to come and live with you I doubt your boyfriend would be on board with putting in place routines etc because he obviously doesn't see a problem with the current lack of routine.

The approach your boyfriend is taking to parenting his son may not be a good one but if you are going to stay with him then you need to find a way to make peace with the disruption it causes (and try and avoid funding him!).

He’s such an amazing little boy and a pleasure to be around but veryyyy demanding and I’m just looking for the best way to handle the situation as it is really draining as I say -OP

if your partner isn't on board and won't listen to your concerns we'll there in lies the problem. Have you spoken to him about it all? If he won't listen it's going to wear you down and relationship will naturally come to an end. He needs to learn to parent his son properly and stop mollycoddling him.

When DS was 3, I arranged to take him to California to see my sister and nephew

Why would you want to take such a young child all the way to California to see people unrelated to him? Was that really in HIS best interest?

His child’s mother has 6 other children to 3 other men and clearly doesn’t give a hoot about the kid otherwise she would either let us take him full time or enforce some sort of normal schedule with him. I don’t even want to go into her and start a whole debate on that.

I have a child with LF autism. If I would have been given a £1 for every parenting advice, predominantly, by people who do not have any first hand experience with asd, I would be rich. It's very clear from your posts that you don't understand autism, nor the challenges that come with parenting an autistic (esp LF) child. You are incredibly judgemental and ignorant at the same time.

Saying that, it's incredibly difficult to raise a child with LF autism. If I was single, I wouldn't contemplate dating as people just don't understand it and I wouldn't expect someone else to take pj the huge task of raising such a complex and challenging child. Doesn't sound like this is for you either.

@Indigo270

The simple answer to your last question is that when he has calmed down, he gets taken home.

I think you are aware that this child needs routines and certainty, being ferried around between 2 households won't be helping so he needs to be helped to feel safe and secure.
It's very common for autistic children to struggle with transitions. The first thing I'd do is create a visual timetable, which he has in both homes. It should have everything on it, from get up, get dressed, clean teeth, go to school, teatime, screentime, bath, bed. If there are activities he does then they should be on it, also critically Go to Dad's on Friday, go back to mums on Sunday.
Mum should go over it with him at the beginning of the week, dad does the same. Give him lots of warnings before moving to the next activity. My son responded very well to sand timers so he had a visual representation of how much time he had left.
When my son was younger we had 4 calenders/ timetables
A daily one, a weekly one, a monthly one and an annual one. I was always at least two school holidays ahead. So at this time of year I had already organised summer, so he would know what was happening, the closer we got to the event he got more detail. So in January he would know we were going on holiday to Wales in July. Then over time I'd add times of trains, days out, what we would have to eat.
You need to create stability and predictablity. The beat way to deal with meltdowns is to prevent them as much as possible.

But your partner and his ex need to put the work in

So you think a 5 year old having a tantrum should dictate absolutely everything around him?

Maybe because the child can’t even read or write his own name at 5 almost 6 due to the fact he’s never in school. Or maybe cos social services are involved due to the school situation. Or maybe because why the hell is a 5yr old child going to grow up thinking a “meltdown” can let him do what he likes. Where does that actually end?

How is an auntie and cousin not related to him? This forum is batshit sometimes.

Haha I swear some people are not right in the head on here. It’s like they don’t live in the real world.

You're not listening to people when they say you obviously don't understand what a meltdown is - you just keep saying the same things about teaching/rewarding behaviour. Maybe just say OK, I obviously don't understand, thank you for trying to help me learn. You're frustrating so many parents of autistic children and then getting arsey with them when they try to explain what you're not understanding.

Or maybe because why the hell is a 5yr old child going to grow up thinking a “meltdown” can let him do what he likes. Where does that actually end?

jesus :(

I have an autistic 6 year old and no matter what bedtime routine I try to implement it just won't work because sleep issues and autism go hand in hand.

He also struggles with transitions and I avoid anything that might lead to a meltdown which is red zone behavior and trying and keep everything in green to amber. This might look like I'm being a pushover but it's because the 3 key functions you focus on are regulation, then connection, then education. As soon as you move up a step if it isn't working you take a step back.

So yes sometimes my autistic son is up late past bedtime playing games because it regulates him, whereas laying in bed with a book is actually under stimulating for him and very distressing and then leads to dysregulation.

Quite frankly he is the parent here and you might have your views and judgements but you aren't the one doing the parenting or trying to avoid traumatic instances and meltdowns, so if you can't accept this then you need to separate.

The most helpful response on this! Thankyou. That’s a very good idea

@Indigo270

Social services involvement is a hell of a drip feed.
If his mother is so unconcerned about him why isn't his father seeking full custody

Well I drove home from Spain with him after a similar meltdown over another flight, but that obviously wouldn't be possible.

The point is OP that nobody with the faintest whiff of knowledge about autism is going to say "yes OP, that child just needs a firm hand and some good boundaries and he'll stop being such a pain in the arse". He is disabled, and he always will be, no matter how much his DP's or you bollock him over it.

I second the PDA suggestion above.

@Indigo270 why do you keep saying the child’s mother should agree for him “to live with us full time?”

You don’t live with this man.

You resent this child and his dad, and are jealous of the child for ruining what you want. You think that if only you were put in charge, you would set up strict rules etc and throughout essentially fix the autism. Honestly, it would be better for you, your partner and his son if you were to walk away.

In your example of travelling to Spain. Yes, I probably would bring the kid back but I would not be going back on holiday using planes for quite a while. What you want to happen is that your partner creates aagical routine which changes things. My partner and I are together but I have co-slept with my kid for 7 years. That means I haven't shared a bed for 7 years. We haven't had a date night for 7 years as my kid can't be left with anyone. We certainly don't have a social life.

In your case, you think that you would be able to create a magical routine, you two can go back to having a lovely relationship. Whereas the reality of raising an autistic child is often that your whole world will revolve around the child ans no you won't know whether you are going out on Friday night....ever....

I know what a melt down is. It’s like you’re actually not listening to any of my responses. Regardless of what it is, it cannot dictate the result of a situation that needs to happen. Yes a meltdown is out of his control, we know this. BUT we can’t just go okkkk he’s having a meltdown he can have this or that. We can manage the meltdown of course without being angry at him for it or punishing him, but we can’t just give him everything he wants so he won’t have one.

The thing is OP, it's great that you're asking for advice here but when you pass it on to your boyfriend, he's not going to take it, is he?

If he was looking to change his parenting style, he'd be the one turning to parenting websites for advice.

But when a parent is as bad as he is, it's going to take more than a bit of advice anyway.

I really can't see him agreeing to it but he needs parenting classes.

Not true in my experience. All kids regardless on SEN crave and need routines. And most Adults!

Have you posted before? I remember something similar with someone in Liverpool??

how is your partner able to cope when he is off school?

this isn’t meant to sound judgemental but I would think giving an x box to an autistic 5 year old would be a bad idea. I believe there is lots of studie/info on autism and screens - in particular video games that are highly stimulating and the affects. Perhaps this is something you can share with your partner.

No girl, you used the word 'slow'

You are saying you want advice on autism as you don't know. I'm explaining that the word 'slow' isn't acceptable and is hurtful

Yes, I've seen a people on varied ends of the spectrum. Some with higher needs which come across immediately and some who can mask well and who's needs can tend to be ignored or not recognised

Whichever way they present, their needs can change daily and they still need support