Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Agree.....the current arrangement is not working or in the best interests of the child.

You said your boyfriend moved 2 hours away for personal reasons. You don't need to disclose those reasons but do they outweigh the needs of the child? From what you've said (which is actually a lot considering you didn't want to get into it) is quite alarming, SS involvement? Dad should be thinking about having his children FT. But then, how will that impact your relationship?

In another thread she said he moved closer to be with her

Oooft! So many similarities with a few details changed.

Boyfriend has 3 kids / 2 kids.
Child with autism same age.
"Rod for his own back"
So many similarities"yyyyyyyy's".
Mum has 8 kids / 7 kids.
Playing the Xbox all night.

Come on OP. You've been told this isn't the relationship for you. Listen to the advice.

It isn't a linear line with "mild" on one end and "extreme" on the other. It is a spectrum, as in one person can have only a little bit of difficulty in one particular challenge, none in another, a lot of difficulty in a third etc. Social skills, verbal skills, sensory issues, executive functioning etc. All differing levels of severity all in the same person. Autism is binary. You either have it/are it or you don't/aren't.

No, and not all people with autism are ‘intellectually challenged’ either. Autism isn’t a scale of ‘very autistic’ to ‘just a little bit, look they can almost perform like normal human beings!’. Autism is a set of traits that can affect every individual that has the condition in greater or lesser ways, but one person isn’t ’more autistic’ than another. You can have autism with global delays or with a learning disability, but the ‘spectrum’ isn’t linear. Hope you’ve woken up to some education, but I suspect you just want to be inflammatory.

If you move out how would he cover the financial shortfall of not going to work? This would annoy me and I would not pick up the financial slack.

Well this isn’t true. There are plenty of autistic people that can manage the mainstream curriculum with support.

Being able to ‘manage’ doesn’t mean mainstream is adequate for children with autism. Education is important but mainstream puts learning targets at the very forefront which doesn’t work for the majority of autistic children, like putting a square peg in a round hole. I have two children in different mainstream settings - one is academically able but has had a poor time at school because of assuming he can be moulded into the typical. My other has very high needs and global delays, he’s managing well because they understand him as an ASD child first. But that comes at a huge cost of staff time, expense and putting aside academic learning at times. And my latter child is a rare example of a child fully supported in mainstream and he will still need a specialist setting eventually. Mainstream is not workable for autistic children as a general.

Absolutely!

My kids are academically able but were broken by attending mainstream settings to the point that they ended up with EBSA.

Now in a specialist setting that recognises (instead of denying) their SEN. They're both absolutely flying with the support and empathy they're being given by people who 'get' it.

I'd say that I know at least 100 autistic kids and I could count on one hand how many are coping well in a mainstream environment.

There are two scenarios that will work for you here @Indigo270 . One is that you split up, the other is that your boyfriend stops seeing his kids. I'm not saying that he couldn't parent differently but even if he does -even if he's the perfect parent for an autistic child - there's still an excellent chance that meltdowns will happen, bedtimes will be late, school will be refused. He's got a disabled child, that's not going to change.

You're right it is a spectrum of need, but nobody is borderline autistic. You're either autistic or you're not and your needs are on a spectrum.

My child also has special needs. Mainstream school is definitely a better option for her than a specialist SEN school. A SEN school wouldn’t give her the academic stretch she needs. She does have good support where she is though.

Youre right to a point though - there isn’t a unicorn school that caters for academic excellence and is set up solely to support kids with autism/ADHD out there but given an either / or choice of a SEN or mainstream school there are many kids that would have a better life outcome at a mainstream school.

Autism severity is a scale, it’s literally called autism SPECTRUM disorder. Down syndrome is a binary genetic condition. Are you intellectually challenged also?

You're the one getting your posts deleted so you're the one who requires schooling, clearly. As you don't seem to be able to write a post without being offensive and insulting.

The autism spectrum looks much more like a big circle than an A-Z scale. FYI.

This ^^

And to illustrate my point, here.

Hi @Indigo270 Does your partner recognise that the current situation is not benefiting his son and that he needs to be parenting him differently? Would your partner be open to attending support groups etc for parents of autistic children?

Please please read the full thread before you give advice in good faith, before you share deeply personal stories and before you emotionally invest.

I have three autistic children one refused to stay home unless forced one is OK going to school the the third is a mild refuser the school won't help with the refuser these days they just don't

Whilst your advice is sensible, there are plenty of ignorant people on this thread who need to be told that they are wrong.

thats not what I said at all. some people have high functioning autism and are more successful than anyone else. Not everyone is diagnosed, only recently has this got better. Consider the likes of Elon musk, autistic but a genius (sure a lot of other things as well). Even spectrums have linear elements, eg you can plot them on a graph. You absolutely can say that one person has more severe autism than another and medical profession use scales to diagnose and differentiate. To be fair often it is difficult to differentiate due the subjective nature of diagnosis. To lump everyone together as being autistic is unhelpful as individuals with autism need each of their individual cases considered and management should be tailored appropriately.

There’s no such thing as ‘high functioning autism’, again you’re repeating the same nonsense when several posters including myself have explained why you’re wrong. It’s not ‘lumping everyone in together’, you can be autistic but with different support needs to another individual with autism but it’s all still autism. What you’re conflicting is autism with or without a learning disability.

Functioning labels are not used any more in regards to autism because professionals agree that they are not helpful, that they encourage ableism and that they also minimise the struggles of people with autism who are academically able.

People can be really arsey OP and it is hard parenting other people's children at the best of times but throwing a child whose wellbeing is dependent on keeping routines and transitions as smooth as possible into the mix where they are required to respond to different people and environments changing too quickly can be so difficult for all concerned.
You are learning so "incorrect " terminology goes with that so it's fine. You are trying to learn ways to make it work. There is a difference between a tantrum with resistant behaviour and a complete meltdown. A meltdown is when the person is completely disregulated emotionally and physically and the stimuli in their environment is too much. You can't reason with a person who is having a meltdown as they are in fight or flight mode and their brain is just trying to survive. You can do things to reduce the liklihood of it happening but creating a calm and predictbale routine for him and learning to recognise when he is getting over stimulated. It might be that he does certain stims or starts talking fast for example;. You can find activities which bring him down and help him to regulate such as walking etc. The key thing though is good sleep lots of positive reinforcement, reduced screen time before bed (see blue spectrum lightning) and helping him to have a predictable routine. It could be as simple as talking him about it using now and next" okay Daniel so now we are going to eat our tea and then we can gor for a walk with the dog" to help him to anticipate what is happening and be less anxious when it does happen. Unfornately staying up playing x box isn't helpful and giving into every whim isn't. Children love consistency and boundaries and like their adults to be in control although they don't admit it. Their nervous systems need it and kids with Autism need that more. Could you buy him a book and write in it when he is coming to you and when he is with his mum etc. OP you sound like you are trying your best.

This is literally my point, rather than kindly suggest and explain you think people “require schooling’. Most people are trying to ‘school’ on this thread rather than be kind and supportive to anyone who isnt an ‘expert’ on autism. Talk about putting people off wanting to learn more. It’s ok to be ignorant if you ask questions and try to learn more. It’s ok to be wrong about things if you are curious. It is not ok to mock those people who are trying to better their learning. The result is you shut down any good conversation and stop any learning happening. It’s a lose lose situation and the people that suffer, that little autistic boy. It’s clearly complicated and nuanced. The experts are changing their diagnosis, terminology and scales / wheels often. No doubt it will change again in a few years. The only thing that is certain is that no one has binary fixed answers for this complicated disease. Should that boy be allowed not to go to school or should he have a fixed routine. People are jumping to ‘school’ OP on what to do. Has anyone asked where he is on the wheel? What management techniques are best for his particular characteristics. I stand by my original comment that not all people have been supportive (some have).

@Lozzq it isn't a disease !