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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends autistic son

350 replies

Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 16:05

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:36

PandaTime · 11/02/2025 17:28

You need to learn about parenting autistic children. Because autistic children aren't just "normal" children with bad habits. Their brains are different. A lot of the things you learned from raising NT children won't apply.

Meltdowns aren't tantrums. They aren't behavioural issues. Autistic children don't choose to have meltdowns. They aren't doing it to get their own way about something. You cannot teach or punish autistic children to not have meltdowns any more than you can teach or punish epileptic children to not have seizures. Meltdowns are a symptom of the condition and it is important to learn what the triggers are to help avoid them while helping the child learn skills to manage them.

As I KEEP explaining if you look at my responses I am fully aware of what a meltdown is and I know it can’t be helped. HOWEVER a meltdown cannot keep dictating the result. Basically his son wants to mirror his dad and do exactly the same as his dad does without understanding he is a child and has to do things such as bed, school, etc. a meltdown cannot be helped and isn’t the child’s fault but it’s down to the parent to surely manage this better instead of giving in for a easy life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:37

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/02/2025 17:34

he isn't typically slow

is incredibly rude op. And i think just reinforces the idea that you need to step back and let his dad who loves him and his mum get to grips with things

Even if he doesn't immediately come across as needing extra support, lots of autistic children differ in how they present even day to day.

Show quote history

Oh my goddddd you actually win with some people haha. Why don’t you repost my whole response to that and why I used the term low end of the spectrum to describe it as I was unable to word it better.

OP posts:
PandaTime · 11/02/2025 17:39

You are missing the point, OP. By the time the meltdown happens, it is already too late. The child clearly has issues with the process of going home and going to school. What is being done to address that? If the answer is nothing, then the meltdowns are going to keep happening and putting your foot down isn't going to achieve anything. It's just going to fuck up the kid and create another traumatised autistic adult.

gvhmgnr · 11/02/2025 17:40

Lots of autistic kids don't understand hierarchies i.e. so no he won't get that as a child he should do stuff differently. In your case, that should probably mean that your partner changes his behaviour i.e. stays in when his kids are over, not stay up till 11pm and see his friends.

What I don't get with you partner is why he doesn't alter his behaviour as a result of his child - e.g. why doesn't he move closer to his son's school, stay in when the kids are around, etc. etc.

NiftyKoala · 11/02/2025 17:42

Even a child with autism needs to be parented. It will only get worse OP.

RedHotWings · 11/02/2025 17:42

It is not about whether to 'give in' to the meltdowns or not. That is not really the important point here. What is actually important is determining why the child is struggling so much that he doesn't want to go home / school / away from his dad. Then fixing it. Insisting on the child doing what is deemed necessary when the child can't cope with that will result in mental health damage / school refusal / etc.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/02/2025 17:43

It's rude op.

I understand you weren't sure of which term to use, which is why I quoted your whole response

But its still not okay for that term to even be typed out and thought about

I'm not even having a go, it just upset me as an autism mum.

@Indigo270 - edit - didn't quote you this time

Notimeforaname · 11/02/2025 17:43

So we should just allow his child to stay where he likes, be off school, stay up until gone midnight on his Xbox and get up at mid day and that’s understanding him?

It's not for you to allow. It's his parents decision amd this is how they want to parent him.
I understand you have no plans to leave the relationship, so your only other option is to accept that this is how they are raising their child, otherwise you will spend the rest of your relationship fighting this.

Don't fight it. Accept it or leave.

NewYou42 · 11/02/2025 17:43

There's no way in hell I'm starting this parenting thing again once my kids have grown up. Why would you even want to do that to yourself??!

Dramatic · 11/02/2025 17:43

Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:33

Whether I am naive or not behind the reasoning the result is still the same that his meltdowns do control the situation so the question is should that happen and what can change as ultimately it’s not healthy

Show quote history

I wasn't saying you're naive, I think you are seeing the situation for what it really is, I was replying to a different comment

Rawnotblended · 11/02/2025 17:45

these kids are 5 and 4, and you’ve been together 2 years and the sad lives 2 hours away from the kids? How did that set up happen??? Are you the OW? Did he move to be near you?

In any event the poor mum is probably on her knees with this, and if Daddy wanted to step up and parent differently, then he would. But he isn’t and somehow this is your problem.

Bin the dad. He’s a loser.

RhiWrites · 11/02/2025 17:45

OP, you can see your partner isn’t handling this ideally. He also seems reluctant to listen to you.

Would he go to a real expert for expert advice, with the child’s mother and perhaps but not necessarily with you? They need expert help and a shared plan of action.

Original poster
Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:46

PandaTime · 11/02/2025 17:39

You are missing the point, OP. By the time the meltdown happens, it is already too late. The child clearly has issues with the process of going home and going to school. What is being done to address that? If the answer is nothing, then the meltdowns are going to keep happening and putting your foot down isn't going to achieve anything. It's just going to fuck up the kid and create another traumatised autistic adult.

well this is my question. What should be happening with that? As I have shut up and put up with the situation since my partner moved up here over a year ago and it just keeps happening and the drama of it every time his son comes down becomes stressful for everyone. I don’t know how best to address it with my partner without him taking things the wrong way or feeling I don’t want his son around. But I just wish either he would enforce some sort of boundaries and routine when he is here, and ensure he goes back when he is meant to go back OR we just have him here full time as this no structure situation is becoming tiring as selfish as it sounds, it’s not right for the child either.

OP posts:
CatsWhiskerz · 11/02/2025 17:46

His dad needs to change. Does the child take melatonin? He should certainly be having a bedtime routine that he enjoys, my DS has screen time, painting or sorting out his hobby characters, dinner, bath and bed where he can read, have hot chocolate and he takes a melatonin. He can have school meltdowns, he struggles with the busy-ness of school start/line ups etc so we often take him in after the bell, which schools allow as it's reasonable adjustments.
I can't believe the parents live 2 hours drive away, that must be a nightmare for the child.
If your partners son needs him to sleep with them your partner needs to go to bed early, not ideal but it'll help, even if it's til he gets to sleep then he goes back later.
Please don't misunderstand meltdowns, if he's having a melt down about school there's a reason he can't cope perhaps or it's too much of a sensory overload. If it's food, they often melt down when hungry, we take emergency snacks everywhere

Mrsbloggz · 11/02/2025 17:47

he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything
@Indigo270
My advice is shut your purse, dont let him mooch off you, if the b/f is skint then maintain that you are too. Stop with the sugar mummy and then see what he does.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2025 17:47

The dc are very young. This will not get better.
Kids with asd need routine...if that routine is out all evening that will be embedded

You cannot fight it. You are not the parent.

It s been a lovely two years now cherish that and leave him to it til dc are adult like yours.

Move on

Dramatic · 11/02/2025 17:47

PandaTime · 11/02/2025 17:39

You are missing the point, OP. By the time the meltdown happens, it is already too late. The child clearly has issues with the process of going home and going to school. What is being done to address that? If the answer is nothing, then the meltdowns are going to keep happening and putting your foot down isn't going to achieve anything. It's just going to fuck up the kid and create another traumatised autistic adult.

Or he realises if he kicks off then he doesn't have to go to school and can stay up all night playing Xbox.

Original poster
Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:48

gvhmgnr · 11/02/2025 17:40

Lots of autistic kids don't understand hierarchies i.e. so no he won't get that as a child he should do stuff differently. In your case, that should probably mean that your partner changes his behaviour i.e. stays in when his kids are over, not stay up till 11pm and see his friends.

What I don't get with you partner is why he doesn't alter his behaviour as a result of his child - e.g. why doesn't he move closer to his son's school, stay in when the kids are around, etc. etc.

Edited

This is my thoughts too! But he doesn’t want to hear it.

he won’t move closer as he moved up here for personal reasons. The child’s mother isn’t exactly the easiest person to be around either to be honest but again that’s their business I don’t get involved with her.

OP posts:
Vinvertebrate · 11/02/2025 17:49

DS8 is autistic and "gets away with" <eyeroll> lots of the behaviour being complained about here. OP - you say you want to educate yourself about autism and then go on to say that what he NEEEEDS is this, that and the other. I am sure it is unintentional, but you are coming across rather ableist and some of your comments will be offensive to autistic people.

First, he is 5. 5 year olds can be dicks, autistic or not.

Second, there is no standard autistic child. Some respond well to discipline and routine, others (like my DS) would roast in hell before doing a single damn thing you ask. You need to find out what works for you/DP (and his mum) by getting to know and understand his condition, with no preconceptions. Some parents of autistic children practise low-demand parenting and it can work - certainly, this is the approach taken by DS' specialist school, where all pupils are autistic.

I CAN promise that nobody has ever disciplined a child out of a single autistic trait, least of all a well-meaning step-parent.

Your DP may not be handling the situation in the best way, but more importantly, you appear to resent this child ("ruling the roost?") and to lack empathy and understanding.

Original poster
Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:51

Dramatic · 11/02/2025 17:47

Or he realises if he kicks off then he doesn't have to go to school and can stay up all night playing Xbox.

Show quote history

Can I finally breathe a sigh of relief that someone actually understands the clearly situation what I am saying without a torrent of abuse haha.
of course meltdowns aren’t his fault and are awful, however if him having one resulted in him getting his own way the last time… he isn’t exactly going to want his own way and not do it again the next time is he? The meltdown isn’t his fault but adults giving him his own way due to one IS their fault. A meltdown should be handled correctly but not change the fact he has to go home ready for school the next day?!

OP posts:
PigInADuvet · 11/02/2025 17:51

You say he's "high functioning" (I'll forgive the use of the term!) but to have a diagnosis at such a young age there must be significant challenges.

You also say
We could handle the meltdown and compromise if he behaves
When he's having a meltdown, he cannot be reasoned with, he cannot negotiate, he cannot compromise. He is absolutely not misbehaving. Reframe it as a panic attack. Uncontrollably overwhelming with little control over the physical and emotional response.

I can recommend the book "How to Raise a Happy Autistic Child".

tonyhawks23 · 11/02/2025 17:53

Is he 6 though or 5?

Dramatic · 11/02/2025 17:54

Indigo270 · 11/02/2025 17:51

Can I finally breathe a sigh of relief that someone actually understands the clearly situation what I am saying without a torrent of abuse haha.
of course meltdowns aren’t his fault and are awful, however if him having one resulted in him getting his own way the last time… he isn’t exactly going to want his own way and not do it again the next time is he? The meltdown isn’t his fault but adults giving him his own way due to one IS their fault. A meltdown should be handled correctly but not change the fact he has to go home ready for school the next day?!

Show quote history

Completely agree, people on here are acting like autistic children can never ever be in control of their behaviour, it's actually quite insulting to say that, they are just as capable of doing that as NT children. They can absolutely understand actions and consequences and of course they can be told something has to happen even if they don't like it. I say this as a parent to two ND kids and 3 NT kids.

cestlavielife · 11/02/2025 17:54

he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not on

You are being taken for a ride £££££
And you are not the child's parent
You have zero say

JackieGoodman · 11/02/2025 17:54

Agree with @backawayfatty1 you aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting. And, I agree with you re boundaries, your partner is not helping his son by making changes to plans when he has a "meltdown" and ASD kids can also tantrum to get their own way (like all kids), there is a fine line between the 2.
If the meltdown stops when what they want happens, its a tantrum, true meltdowns take ages to get over and the child/person will be dysregulated for a good while after.