My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

So he pays all rent but you only pay half of bills? How much do you both earn?

How old is dsd and how long have you been together? Does 50% of bills even out the rent? I'm trying to judge if your overall shares expenses are about even? Yes he should cover costs for his daughter, but it sounds like he doesn't have enough money to always be going out and treating her...?

At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

At the moment he only has one child. And he contributes towards the other by paying 100% of the rent. You muddied the waters with your financial split. You either need to split all outgoings or have pooled finances.

Why aren’t you paying any of the rent?

(I’m all for generosity and sharing and generally find the idea of separate finances when you’re having a baby a bit miserable- although obviously each other own- but I don’t see how you can accept the unfair split when it’s in your favour then quibble about who’s paying for a child’s ice cream.)

You should both being paying for things for the new baby but again, see my point about the rent. Either have separate finances or don’t.

Sounds like you've got a pretty cushy deal here. You pay 50% of the bills and no rent and he pays the other 50% plus rent.

You need to decide if you're going to continue to have separate finances when the new baby arrives and pay 50/50 on everything or have joint finances. The picking and choosing and keeping score doesn't work when you're meant to be a family.

It seems too complicated: Split rent AND bills. Then expect him to finance his child unless it's smaller things like an icecream out etc that I'm sure you're willing to offer.

I've realised this doesn't make much sense and it's too late to edit. I meant does 50% of bills plus dsd's costs you cover roughly equal his extra rent contribution.

Do you have very unequal incomes?

I agreed with pps, you need to sit down and look at finances and simplify this set up.

Going to try and update as best as possible.
Our wages were about the same.

Before moving in, I was living with family saving for a deposit for a house. When asked to move in, I asked my partner for a breakdown of what I need to contribute, rent and bills included. However said that long term I would like us to save for a house.
I asked for a financial breakdown of the outgoings and it was always brushed under the carpet.
I eventually got a figure, which I’ve been paying since said discussion. As well as paying for the weekly food shop (roughly £240pm) which is roughly what half the rent is.

I was made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant (not ideal), but I have managed to get a part time role (that will cover my outgoings). I also provide beauty services from home part time which means my new salary will be lower but I’m comfortable I will have enough to support us.

its not just “Ice cream money” some months I’m paying as much as £200 towards DSD. And getting no contribution towards the baby that is on the way.

No, you should not be subsidising his daughter, she's his expense. Yes he should be paying half of the cost of your baby. What you pay in terms of bills is a separate issue. If when you're on maternity leave he expects you to take on all the parenting of his daughter, this is also not your job. He is the father and it's important his daughter sees him parenting her and caring for her, not just doing the fun bits.

No, you shouldn't be covering his daughter - he should be paying the bulk of it and offering you the money that way you don't have to get awkward and ask for it each time.

If course if I were in your position I wouldn't mind covering treats and a meal here and there, pressies etc. but he should be covering the bulk of it.

Maybe he thinks you are okay with this setup.
Next time you plan a day out with DSD whether it's a meal or shopping spree, give him an idea what the general cost for the meal will be and what she needs from the mall and ASK him for it.

You need to be very clear about finances, it's no good waiting for him to reimburse you perhaps

Just to add an example,
I asked my partner this month if we could both put some money into a “baby” pot so that when I am buying things is shared. To which my partner said he couldn’t contribute and would be able to next month. No issue at all until…

I took my DSD shopping for clothes, she said she needed tops/leggings as she had none here. I told my DP, and said she had x amount pocket money but was he happy to get more clothes for her (knowing his financial situation) he said yes… I spent £60 and he gave the money back. Again no issue…
Last weekend my DP said we needed to go shopping again as DSD “had no clothes” so although unable to contribute to anything baby related was willing to spend another £50 on clothes that really were not needed.

How on earth are you spending £200 pm when she is only there every other w/e?????

not EOW, every week, plus additional days in the week when requested. So January say she stayed with us 1 week and all weekends… in which I ended up spending around £260 extra.. as my partner had not been paid yet. However when he was as paid, nothing was given back

I really have no issue covering treats here and there, I’m not a complete tight arse.
But over a period of time £20/£30 here and there bloody adds up

Could you casually remind him at those moments? Simply say "Oh I will need another £50 for the baby as well - I m going to grab some bits for them"

If he says he doesn't have then say I think we need to have a discussion about this later tonight and highlight the issue with him. Tell him you think it's unfair he is not contributing

This doesn’t sound like much of a partnership, having to pay % of money back for meals out, clothes and other items.

If you have separate bank accounts, you should both pay X amount (based on what you earn) into a joint account for rent, bills, and other items .. including baby stuff). All joint expenses come out of that.

I think you need to split everything for house and baby and then you need to work out a fair way to split re DSD. Also sounds like he/you are a bit bad with money. £110 on clothes for what sounds like a young child in a fortnight? If you're having a baby and struggling to afford that should be buying things on Vinted etc to save money. I recently bought 3 x leggings, 2 x jumper and 1 x pjs for £30 on vinted for DSD (9), all brand new or barely worn. Also who can afford to go out for food/outings every weekend when you can't afford a baby that is due soon? I think you both need to sit down and seriously work out finances and a sensible approach to money. Really this should have been done before deciding to have a baby.

We both pay for all the kids some money goes back to eachother some money doesn't. We share a child also. To us they our just our kids they need what they need and whoever has the money pays. At the moment he pays all the bills and I pay what I can whilst the baby is small when I go back to work I'll pay more for whatever needs paying. No one keeps a running total we are a partnership and the way I see it as long as everyone has what they need it doesn't matter who has paid what.

You need an honest conversation about finance before the baby comes along and you're too tired to discuss it. Discuss your long term goals- will you be buying a house together, or just in your name, or not at all now etc. Draw up a budget. You don't need to discuss this bit but make sure child benefit for the new baby (if you qualify) gets paid into your account, not his. Don't spend money on DSD and ask for it back, instead get your partner to withdraw some cash and keep it in an envelope that you can use when she comes to stay.

@bluegreen89 I have 0 issues with my own money. I told him spending £110 on a child’s clothes in one month is insane…
I have bought EVERYTHING for the baby, as well as contributing towards meals etc and still have money left at the end of the month and I have savings.

You need to start sharing all money and all bills before the baby arrives. If you don't, he will start thinking that paying for the baby and supporting you financially is optional.

sorry to add to that, as I said I can very much afford to buy all of the baby stuff if needed however my point was I’m frustrated as I do not think that’s fair on me

Even if you can afford it, the principle should be that it's a shared expense because it's a shared baby.

What is it you're buying for he baby? They need very little. You can get almost everything second-hand much cheaper. We just bought a mattress and a carseat new.

It’s not about what you can afford, it’s about him financially supporting two children. The simplest way to do that is to work out your household costs, plus the costs for his daughter and what you need for the baby and you both split that in half and pay half each. If he can’t afford his half you either cut your cloth accordingly or he needs to increase his earning capacity. If you’re already covering costs for his daughter and the costs of the baby you’re quickly going to run out of money and feel resentment that you’re carrying the can financially.

Also start now to plan for maternity leave, that should be a joint expense, rather than you saving to make up your half of household costs when you’re on maternity pay.