My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

You need to pay 50% of the rent and then you’ll have the moral high ground you’re after

I don’t think it’s just a problem where the OP is “bad with money “ or can’t afford these things I’m more reading that she feels she shouldn’t HAVE to pay for them . And I agree she shouldn’t .

She seems to have a dp problem rather than a financial problem .

You muddied the water by not paying half the rent and only half the bills - tbf, you do have a better deal, if you dont want to pay for stepchild - just tell him you have no money and he will have to do it. Outrageous he doesnt contribute towards the baby either tho - but really, you do know babies dont need much to start with - sedan hand/almost new is great. I think the issue here is you are also seeing your stepchild as not really your child (fair enough) - so why should you pay. I get it (a little bit). i would pay half the rent as well tbf - i can imagine him thinking it's very unfair that you only pay half the rent AND half the bills, then want to complain about paying for dsd.

@caffelattetogo
please understand I’m not excessively spending
I have bought essential clothing for all sizes on Vinted.
My wonderful SIL, is lending us a
next to me cot (I need to buy the mattress)
bouncer
steriliser
a prep machine
bottle warmer
high chair
clothes (if we find out the gender)
play mats

My parents have put 50% towards the travel system

But we still need to get a cot, bottles, breast pump, formula, nappies, baby wipes, baby gates, changing mats, blankets, bedding
I am FB marketplace queen so I can assure you I am not spending excessive money where not needed

It sounds like he needs to get over his guilt and stop spoiling his daughter.

If she's got no clothes despite you buying them, it's because she's taken them to Mom's. So she needs to bring clothes with her otherwise it's emergency shop at the charity shop.

Sounds like you need to sit down and go through the money breakdown again. What happens when your on maternity with little cash?

But where is his money going if he is totally skint and never seems to be covering extras - might be better with a joint account, work out what goes in there and then pay stuff out of there for joint expenses so long as you agree what those are - he may need to put extra in for his daughter. I would be worried about hidden debts to be honest - CC etc

Guys just to say - I have already said I cover the food shop each week - which equates to what the 50% of rent would be.

I think now you’re having a baby together you need to sit down and properly pool your finances and work out a family budget.

Or, if you still want to keep them relatively separate, work out a “kids” budget that includes everything for baby (clothes, activities, nappies etc) and also things for step daughter come out of that budget.

Honestly I think you need to strip it all back and have an open and honest conversation about what finances should look like going forward. You need to get a list of all of your household/personal/family outgoings, all income, and work out what is actually fair from there.

I get where op is coming from I think. You previously agreed on what your contribution to living expenses would be but now theres a baby on the way and you are paying for all of those things while also covering things for your stepdaughter.

You need to have a conversation with your partner about money. Break down every expenditure. Do it now before baby comes and you are on mat leave from your beauty business.

Can you afford your own place? Doesn't sound like he's going to contribute anything to your baby so move out and he can pay maintenance just like he does his other child. He won't be able to say he doesn't have the money and you won't be spending money on a child that isn't yours.
You're not in a fair partnership, he's using you to parent and pay for both of his children while he only partly pays for one.

I think this is all abit muddled now you are expecting a baby and are about to become a family. If you had totally separate finances I would suggest just not doing expensive things with his DD when you have her. But you seem to have separate living costs but he pays your rent. Wouldn't it be simpler to merge finances?

You've chosen to have a baby with a man who can barely afford his first. You're going to be paying more ongoing. You're going to have to suck it up unfortunately. Sorry, OP.

I think there are probably bigger conversations to have other than simply who pays for bits for the DSD.

You're having a child together - you're a family. You need to have a really honest conversation about finances, including attitudes to money and future plans, before resentment starts to get a hold.

If you're not married, then you really need to think about what would happen if you found yourself without somewhere to live.

You should not be paying £200 a month (or anything near that!) for his child. And he should not be expecting it.

Regardless of the apparently cushy deal you are getting on the rent ( and you sure he is actually paying any rent, given that he was less than transparent about finances?).

You are pregnant and have been made redundant, but he is shamelessly sponging off you.

My advice would be to stop paying anything towards his daughter's expenses, save every penny you can for yourself and your child, and think hard about whether you really want to stay with a man who is offloading his existing child expenses onto you.

You’re a proper couple now with a baby on the way, not just casually dating and playing at living together. You need to sort your finances.

Work out roughly how much your household expenses are (rent, food shop, utilities, days out, holidays, expenses for your soon to be joint child). You pay proportionately into a joint account for that every month. Your dp will pay more because he will be earning more, especially when you are on mat leave, and he should throw in a bit extra to cover added costs for his dd. He pays maintenance, her clothes, activities, etc from his personal money.

Then you will be both paying equitably for your household expenses according to your income.

You say he has been cagey about giving full transparency over finances. Does he definitely pay rent to his relative? Have you seen evidence?

I would be refusing to pay anything towards sd from now on. No shopping trips, outings ... Let him pay. Ask for a contribution from him to cover her food. If he says he cannot contribute/pay for something, then don't buy it.

I agree with this, you need a proper chat because if you already aren’t on the same page about paying for things like a cot or bottles, I don’t see how things will work once baby is here if you continue the way you are with separate finances, you asking him for money and him simply saying he doesn’t have it- it’s not going to work and you’ll end up paying every time so resentment will only grow.

We have a nearly 10 month old baby now and they honestly always need something, nappies, wipes, new toys, more sleepsuits/vests/bibs/socks/gloves especially that first 12 months it’s a whole new wardrobe every 3 months because they grow so quickly, , formula, new teats for bottles as they get older, nappy cream, shampoo, Calpol, the next stage of development toys as they grow, even things like baby groups. You really need to figure out NOW what each of your contributions are going to be for baby, and how you’re going to set that up together, because once that baby is here the money just keeps stacking up and the precedent is set for him to simply say “nope, can’t do it I don’t have the money”

How is it not fair on you when you’re getting free rent?

I would not merge finances keep on saving for your first property. If you start merging finances then he will feel he can dip into your pot. You sound like an ambitious young woman keep going.

Well what will happen when you have the baby - because you won't be working and you don't want to be in a position that you have to rush back to work and pay someone else to look after the baby just because you haven't got the money. He will have to pay for everything then or you'll be making decisions based on what is best for him not best for you and the baby. I have just started working part time but was stay at home mum with my youngest until recently, and my husband would pay all the bills and then give me an allowance (terribly old fashioned I know!) and then if I wanted anything I would pay on his card. So the allowance was for me to treat myself. Not that you every do of course. He isn't on a good wage but we live quite frugally to allow me to stay at home and now work part time. I think your partner needs to stop asking you to contribute because it won't be long before you can't - so he needs to steps up.

I agree with this.

Babies are not cheap have you looked at the prices of baby items recently? It's jaw dropping prices. The op is doing the right thing but she needs to set boundaries.

’i already pay for the food shop which equates to the rent’

No, because if you paid £250 to rent youd also have to pay half the food shop, so in monetary terms you’re still underpaying your way by £125 each month.

@SometimesCalmPerson maybe you hadn’t seen, I did say I contribute 100% to food bills. Which added up pretty much makes us even across bills and rent…

what I think is unfair, personally, is I am contributing towards his daughter, he is contributing to his daughter, and only I am contributing to the new addition…

I have helped DP over financial sticky situations, between jobs. But now the shoes on the other foot, in terms of I’m between jobs and have maternity leave etc to fund for. It’s my sole responsibility to make sure I’m okay.