My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

He's either a drug addict or a gambler.

I have put a large amount of my incomings into savings, I also have bought lots of baby bits. As I said before my redundancy there were no financial issues on my end. I put into pots and have money left over to enjoy myself - I normally once my outgoings are paid have £1500 left over for savings, things I want to buy

my partner often asks for money to borrow until the end of the month

i genuinely cannot get my head around where his money is going
I have also asked - and he said he is repaying debts…

Is the savings account in his name as well?😩

Guys I have money left over as I said,

my bills including bills, food for the month, car payments, insurance, pet insurance, business insurance - roughly are around £1000 and I’ve managed to get these down to about £700 when I start my part time job…

we do not currently join our finances, and the above is a big reason as to why i have been reluctant to. Until he sorts out his finances

Nevermind his costs, where’s YOUR money going?

You pay £250 for food, half of bills which is maybe £500 maximum, yet you have £1500 left over? There’s £750 missing?

He should have about £2000 left after rent and bills, for maintenance and everything else.

You need to sit down and discuss it with him.

WTAF are you doing with this guy and having a baby with him, prepare to be a single parent

Don’t join finances, you aren’t responsible for subsidising his maintenance and SD’s costs. But you do need to have a budget discussion and make it fair for your household and baby costs.

I have a car, insurance, pet insurance, phone bill, pet fees (food etc, worming tablets), business insurance, business outgoings in general, I do get top ups with my other business so my finances honestly are healthy and I’ve not once said they are not.

Just move out and rent your own place and focus on your baby.

He’s paying subsidised rent to a family member and still skint and not buying things for his baby so it’s only going to get worse.

Your finances should be healthy with a good income and heavily reduced rent!

YANBU to stop paying for SD.
YANBU to expect him to pay towards the baby.
YANBU to stop subbing him.

Next time he asks, refuse until he gives you a full financial breakdown. I’m guessing he’s wasting loads on incidental costs like work lunches / gambling / alcohol / cigarettes. You must have some idea where it’s going.

He earns plenty but has no money. He won’t answer simple questions about his finances other than he’s apparently paying debts but you have no idea what they are or how much. You’re living in his families house with no tenancy agreement and you decided to have a baby….

You both need to sit down ASAP and have a very long, open and detailed conversation about finances. It should have happened a long time ago.

I have built a great career for myself, worked my arse off and don’t depend on anybody else.

I was made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant, I was awful horrifically sick until about week 16. Luckily I was paid 3 months notice, but trying to find the same high paid job at 16 weeks pregnant - let’s all be realistic is not exactly easy. I luckily had a beauty business to fall back on, so I found a job that can stably pay my bills, is part time and will all me to go back to work fairly quickly, without having to pay childcare (praise the lord for my mother)

I really am not stupid and plan to try and find a similarly paid job as soon as it’s physically possible, but I haven’t made the smartest choice for me based on the circumstances.

It's also okay, Op, for you to be more economical with purchases for DSD and the new baby.

Shop in thrift shops first. Your partner is not helping out like he should but maybe he can't and he needs to spend less where possible.

Is it a possibility that he has lied to you about how much he earns?

Unfortunately, you have picked someone who is terrible with money and appears to burn through every £ he earns each month, and some of yours, for his own benefit and his daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if this is a major reason the relationship with his daughter's mother failed.

And you're having a baby with him?

Probably not your best plan, tbh, but seeing as how that ship has sailed, I'd move back in with your family and start saving again and making sure you have everything you need for you and your daughter. File for CMS when the baby arrives.

Poor dsd. Yes, I know, he should be paying for her, she is not the dsm responsibility, but poor, poor child. My friend walked away from a very good match, a very kind and wealthy man, a while back. When I asked her why, she said 'I hate myself around his children, I never thought I could have those petty, nasty feelings in me, but I do. I don't want to feel that way'.

OP you’re clearly a sensible and smart woman and good on you for realising before the baby arrives that the situation is untenable.

I was recently in your position. After the baby was born I realised there was no way I was going back to full time work after six months as I’d assumed I would (due to financial constraints because I was subsidising SO and SC). My SO has had to step up and seriously reduce his personal outgoings. Your SO will have to do the same. Once your baby is here, that’s going to be your priority, nothing else. You will not want to stop breastfeeding your baby so you can work to buy SD new leggings.

If he won’t give you full financial disclosure, work out the baby’s costs and that’s how much he needs to transfer you every month. No more spending on SD. Build up your savings for when you need them.

Good luck.

Talk about projection, the SD’s getting whatever she wants or needs and OP’s not being nasty or petty at all.

BECAUSE HE PAYS CMS for his daughter!
He’s very kindly (NOT) allowed OP to move into his rental so he’s expecting Op to pickup all food bills and any extras for when Dsd is staying by saying he’s got no money.
AND OP buys everything for their joint baby.

This is financial abuse in the making.

Do a spreadsheet OP and get everything out in the open. Sit him down and lay it on the line. You have to be a partnership.

Keep food bills to show what you’re spending,
printouts of a couple of both your/his bank statements and get across all expenses.
Split the joint household expenses and each pay half into a joint account…THEN he adds £200 extra for dsd’s costs to your household outgoings. .

And everything for the baby, dsd and all bills are paid from that account.

Given hes secretive about money, there’s surely more to this than he’s letting on…

Eh? How is she a poor poor child exactly?

You are serious? Dsm begrudges dsd, I would have thought it was obvious.

And keep the rest of your money in your own separate account tucked away.
Only a joint account for joint expenses. You’re clearly more responsible with your finances than he is.

It’s not, that’s your bias speaking.

OP doesn’t begrudge SD getting whatever she needs or wants, she begrudges paying for it when SD’s parents can afford to themselves.

@Hwi so I hate to laugh but what 😂
I have 0 hate towards my wonderful SC, we get along brilliantly

however that does not make me financially responsible for SC

my DP pays £300 a month child support as I said religiously… but the spending when my DSD is staying with us to my point is excessive. £50 so far has been spent on clothes, these clothes will go back to her mothers house and we never see them again, hence why 2 weeks later we are required to get more clothes. And nothing is being contributed to a new baby on the way.
I have subbed money in the past, and paid large amounts for DSD and recieved nothing in return…

This was never an issue, until my DP was not contributing to second child