My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

You need transparency about money . Not just a rough number he told you - the paperwork and bank statements. Both your incomes and all outgoings.

Add up all joint cost ( including baby But not including his older child ). Get a joint account and pay into that 50:50.

you also need to see his assessment from CMS . I suspect he’s not paying much if you have the child as much as you say you do, it must be nearly 50:50.

I also suspect the rent is less than he says it is. Is your name on the tenancy agreement ? If not, get it on now or you have no security, he couod kick you out any time he wants. You don’t want to be sofa surfing with a newborn baby.

What's going to happen when the baby comes? What will you be expected to pay then?

I just saw your post about funding maternity leave. That’s a joint cost as it’s a joint baby. Do not budge one inch on this.

He rents off a family member so there is no rental agreement (in terms of documents) for anyone involved

You are up shit creek without a paddle.

Another question - when you were made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant , had you told your employer that you were pregnant ?

@OliveThe0therReindeer I shouldn’t laugh but exactly my thoughts.

I have also mentioned the fact we are both “glorified rent payers, bills payers” and if we don’t have savings ( JOINT ) behind us, should the agreement go to pot… we’d both be screwed.
As the rent paid is honestly a 1/3 of the rental price on the market, it’s barely anything

The only thing I would say is, does he actually have the money, or not?

If money is really tight and it genuinely is a choice between £60 on daughter and £60 on unborn baby I can see where I’d also choose daughter purely because she’s here now, I have more time to get things together for baby.

@OliveThe0therReindeer no because it was technically just before my 12 weeks scan… so we hadn’t shared the news

I would suggest an Amazon baby wish list - especially for things that aren’t urgent like stair gates etc. Otherwise you’ll be spending money on essentials and people might then buy you other stuff you don’t really need. Also, if you can get breastfeeding to be successful, you’ll save a load of money on lots of items - bottles, warmers, formula, prep machine, don’t even need breast pump. I managed without any of that stuff. I would potentially just buy that if you need it, rather than having it all ready.

other than that, I suggest getting cheaper clothes for dsd - I didn’t see her age, but if she’s growing fast, then spending a load of money on clothes is insane.

Like everyone else’s saying you need to do a full joint budget. If your £240 food shop is equal to half the rent then you’re still underpaying by £120 if you’re supposedly going halves.

You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to cover SD’s costs and contribute to the baby’s. But you don’t know what his income and expenditure is so it’s impossible for us to guess whether he’s being unreasonable or not.

1. just stop offering to pay for SD
2. work out how much you need for the baby’s costs and bill him
3. get your own, and your baby’s, financial security by structuring your finances so you can continue to save to buy a house. If you break up you’ll be homeless and part-time with depleted savings

You ignored the first red flag about him sweeping flat costs under the carpet then proceeded to make a baby with him... this has dysfunctional written all over it.

You need to have a full and frank conversation about current and future expenses lay it out, spreadsheet of costs etc otherwise you're going to be the mug who covers everything.

Plan ahead and buy Vinted bundles - problem solved

If you both earn the same then why is it you are able to save and have money at the end of the month? What is he spending his money on?

Why not have a joint account you ran before you could walk into this situation.

Honestly, I'd go home. You need security and you don't have any. He rents from family. There's no tenancy. You have no rights to be / remain in the household. He can't afford to keep himself and his current child so having another kid was irresponsible. He expects you to support yourself and your joint kid during maternity. How long maternity are you taking and what will the childcare arrangements be moving forward? You will take the hit financially, career wise, pension pot wise, progression wise. You don't have the security of marriage not that I think it will give you any security because it doesn't sound like he has fuck all.

Clearly from the updates finances are a mess. You're not married, you don't know one is finances, you are relying on cheap rent from someone else to live. I would advise getting back to work full time as soon as possible, if the housing situation/relationship goes tits up, you're going to need to earn as much as possible.

@aei22 thank you so much for the advice! My mother also keeps telling me to stop buying things as we will get a lot gifted, but it dreads me to feel unprepared especially given the change in work situation and finances and lack of financial support I am getting.

unfortunately with the need to go back to work pretty quickly, so that I can pay my outgoings. I’m
going to be reliant on help from others so won’t be in a position to solely breast feed

thank you though I definitely will look at all options available

Well obviously its not fair, so stop subsidising his child! Next time he demands you pay half of a meal, tell him you'll take it off what he owes you towards baby stuff.

Just to add context, £3000 roughly is our independent salary (I’ve been paid 3 months notice which fortunately takes me to the date I start my new job)

£3000 each that is

£3000 each or combined?

If rent is £500 and food is £250, how on earth are you quibbling over £50 here and there?

Where's it all going does he have a secret pot?

£6000 income
£500 rent
£250 food

Where on earth is the other £5250 going each month?

so where is the rest of it going when outgoings aren't even 1000 between the 2 of you for house bills!

you guys need to sit and work out expenses properly. this is ridiculous

@Newmum770 what did you spend £200 for DSD on this month?