My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

Honestly I hate these kind of threads. You chose to be with someone who already has a child. And it’s only one child! Just be kind hearted. I think it’s miserly to refuse to pay when you’re all together and really she is your family. You don’t get to have her dad without having her. If you don’t want to really be in a family with her, you’d be better off finding a man who doesn’t already have a child. I just think it’s really nasty and mean and immature. I think just pay whatever needs paying and don’t overthink it. You’re turning it into a ‘vs’ situation, which is absolutely isn’t. Accept you chose someone with a child and accept that child comes as part of the family package now.

Reading your updates - you are insane to have a baby with someone who you don’t combine finances with. You realise that a baby is much more intertwined than your bills could ever be, right?! You need big talks and much bigger transparency over money, both of you.

@babyproblems I’m so glad you say this, so said family package also requires my DP to pay for their unborn child…
But what you are saying is, I should pay for both children.
I think you are completely missing the point

but thank you for your views

Yes BUT you have missed the point!

It sounds like things were going reasonably well but your situation has taken a big hit from your redundancy and the new baby so this has upset things and put more pressure on you as a result.

Firstly if he is having his daughter every weekend and sometimes longer then he can’t be far off 50% custody so really shouldn’t be paying much (if any) maintenance - that money should be being used to cover his daughter’s expenses when she’s with you.

Secondly I think you need to sit down with him and have a very frank conversation about finances. Your income will take a big hit with maternity leave so you need assurance from him that he can pick up the slack. He needs to be honest with you about what debt he has ie show you the statements. If there’s high interest rates then look at whether a balance transfer might be a good option (beware of him running up further debt on the cleared cards), or talk with debt support agencies to see if there’s any chance of negotiating with the creditors.

Then I would suggest agreeing a fixed amount each to be put into a joint account each month to cover bills and essentials, ideally proportional to income. I would also add his money for his daughter’s expenses to this account so that you don’t up having to cover them. He should be contributing more while you’re not earning because your “work” during this time is providing full time care for the baby. Once you go back to work it would even out again.

Thirdly think about how you will be protected in the future. If you were to split then you would have no right to stay in that home, therefore if you don’t have a backup option like family then keep some savings tucked away to cover a deposit and a few month’s rent just in case and make sure none of his debt ends up in your name. If things work out/you get married or buy a house together the money can always go back in the pot then.

It’s also worth thinking about what would happen if the family member wanted their house back. Currently he is paying rent well below market rates but struggling financially. Ideally you should be taking advantage of the low rent and putting the spare cash away for future use.

Having a baby is extremely stressful on a relationship so try and get this sorted now if you can. You are definitely not being unreasonable and if he won’t engage and be honest then start working on your back up plan in case things go wrong, that way you and your child are protected.

Does he actually have the money to give you though OP? You say he’s been having a tough time financially.
In a serious relationship one partner shouldn’t be so well off they’re able to save loads while the other one struggles to even pay their part of the bills.

I agree with your gut feeling - that’s not quite right. I wonder if he’s spending excessively due to some form of guilt. Plus he’s overwhelmed pethaps by the idea of the second child? (And he doesn’t want to think about it accordingly and doesn’t think about needing to put money in the baby pot). I don’t think there is a way out if this other than calmly and politely, but relatively assertively talking to him about this and exploring his feelings.

Having a child with someone when they have an undisclosed amount of debt is very odd.

The ad hoc way you pay for groceries but not rent can end up with things being uneven. Why not pay half of the rent each and set up a joint bills account for groceries and utilities? You could work out a split such as he lodges x amount per month and you lodge maybe 10% less as he has his daughter there too.

He seems very secretive about his money. Even if you don't have joint finances, it's normal to know what the other one's situation is. He sounds flaky and you don't want to end up supporting all 4 of you.

What is your plan once baby is born and once you go back to work ? Who is paying for childcare / nursery for you baby ?
Also who is paying for the pram / cot / other large cost items ?

I'd say either pay 50% rent, or he keeps paying your half and you pay for some stuff for his DSD. Not sure which would work out more or less.

Alternatively you could start viewing it more as "family money". Work out overall incoming and outgoings each month, and use whatever is left over as shared money for whatever is needed, with discussion before high cost purchases.

@ByPearlSnail his financial difficulties are from debts and bills being in arrears well before we got together. I’m sorry but I am not a free ride, I have offered to help him get his finances together, but I will not be paying them off for him. Said debts I have only recently found out about, as when he moved jobs I offered to set up a budget plan for him and asked him what his outgoings were so he could budget for the 4 weeks as he was used to weekly pay. He gave me said outgoings and shortly after that it unravelled as he was asking to borrow money and I couldn’t understand why or how, when we were both on such a good wage and his budget plan from the figures he gave me meant he has a LARGE some of disposable income left over.

This just gets worse and worse... I'd leave.

Sorry I can’t keep up with all replies

but I did want to ask those who have the right joint financial set up with their partners… does your partner happily show you their finances, is this something that is the norm?

I am more than happy to print out all of my statements to show him what my outgoings etc are
I’ve offered to take responsibility of paying the bills, are recently one of the bills I contribute towards wasn’t paid

I understand being in a lot of debt can be embarrassing and is usually the reason people hide it, not necessarily out of malice. BUT in order for me to help I need to see full transparency but I don’t get it when I ask for it…

It's a bit late now to find out that he's prepared to financially exploit you. I guess as a start you could just point blank stop paying for things for his daughter and instead put the money in your baby fund. You'll need it when you split up, he's not going to be a good one to get maintenance money from.

He’s basically lied to you the whole of your relationship, let you get pregnant knowing he is in debt and cannot afford one child let alone two.

Not only are you paying 100% for your unborn child’s items you are also paying for DSC too. That doesn’t sound fair to me any anyone who thinks YABU clearly hasn’t read the whole thread.

I would think your only options are a sit down chat with him, talk finance and a FAIR split or you leave him and focus on yourself and baby. Personally I’d consider option 2

I wouldn’t be prepared to print off statements and have my spending picked apart (nor would I expect my partner to) but yes, sharing income and expenditure, and debt levels, is normal.

Yes me and my DP are fully open about financials. joint pot we put in equally (we earn exactly the same wage as same company/level) separate finances for personal spends, discussion on big purchases equal split etc.

OP You keep dripfeeding little bits of info the latest being he's not paid a bill. These are big alarm bells that someone has debt issues they can't manage and/or something like a gambling addiction

You should be fully open and have these discussions before creating a baby with someone. You sound otherwise like a really sensible, driven woman but seem to have this blindspot about your DP and his behaviour. Is this your first relationship?

@September1013 100%, if I was still working getting the salary I was on, even if I had to take statutory sick pay. I know I’d be able to rely on the money I have coming in (albeit not the ideal situation) and be less worried about our financial situation. However currently it means I’m having to rely more on a person I know is not as responsible financially.

Thank you, everything you’ve said is things I’d been thinking of feeling.

We also agreed the area we currently live in, we wouldn’t want to be the area our child goes to school. So that in itself is an incentive to save for a house because we’d be stupid to not take advantage of the current rent situation and not save as you said!

Whatever you do - think twice then think again before you buy a property with him.

Why are you having a baby with someone you’re not married to, don’t even share finances with and when you don’t even have a stable home situation?

Even with spending some time with you and DH, looks like the majority of the time is spend with the mother. £300 doesn't even start to cover the cost of bringing up a child per month. It's not a heroic thing to pay £300 per month.

Good lord OP, you are having a child with someone who is in debt, can’t afford his current child and expenses and doesn’t sound he can afford his new baby. He can’t even afford his expenses considering his rent is way lower than market value. I would NOT be joining my finances with a man like this and would frankly be leaving and expecting him to pay child support for the baby. Hiding your financial affairs from your partner is not normal. Get rid of him and go back to your parents until you are able to save for a house. Your own house. And do not ever again have babies with men who are hiding things from you. You have put yourself in quite a vulnerable position.

It needs to be 100% of what the rent would be because he's paying 100% of the rent.

So, you say you pay c£240 pm on food (which presumably includes food for the DSD).

Rent is £500
Bills £300

He pays £500+£150 = £650

You pay zero rent, £150 bills, £240 food. So you're paying £390.

I actually agree that because his DSD lives there, and you cover the food for all of you, and some of the bills will be increased by her being there (more hot water, more cooking, more heating and lighting) then him paying all the rent is actually fair.

BUT - I don't think you should then pay another £200+ on going out. If the going out is £500 pm, he should pay two thirds of that. But, you should probably go out less, it seems like a lot. As you have DSD with you so much and you're now working part time, now is the time to knock up casseroles, ragu, pizzas etc at home.

Or, he can take his DC out while you stay at home, he pays for the two of them then.

Re the baby, of course he should be helping fund the arrangements. Tell him how much it is and ask for half.

Going forward you need to agree a solution to this. With my ex who had DC, ignoring rent/mortgage, we both paid 50% of the monthly family costs into an account and paid everything from there. He paid an extra £100pm to cover the extra food and increased bills created by his DC living with us.

@SapphOhNo
okay perfect, which I myself find perfectly normally and have suggested on multiple occasions.

Sorry not intentional with the drip feeding, I’m just trying to explain my thought process and show I’m not just being controlling. I really am just trying to better the financial situation for him as it benefits the pair of us. And as so many have pointed out I’ve found out about this quite a way down the line. Well I thought the same but he spent an excessive amount of me, DD and family over Christmas so he clearly does have some sort of money left over. So I partially think it’s spending out of his means plus debt payments he’s having to cover…

No certainly not my first relationship… but it is my first relationship with someone with financial difficulties

Hi OP - it's not you, it's him

Clearly there are things financially you are unaware of - even after paying rent, half the bills plus CSM - he should have a lot left over and be contributing towards baby and paying extras for his daughter- so somewhere along the line you haven't got a full picture- he's either got loads of debt or a nasty 'habit' or a humongous car lease etc or is the kind that spends £10 a day on lunches without thinking about it as it simply doesn't add up.

I would be frank and tell him you need a family power wow with all cards and statements on the table- in the meantime I'm sorry but I would do a credit enquiry on him -

My view is if you are having a baby with him and paying out for his DSD you want to know the full score - better to find out something now if that's the case

The other thing is could he be lying about his income to big himself up in your eyes?