My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

@helpwithschool it’s actually more than legally required to pay, based on the amount of time she spends with us.

I only know this as someone in the thread sent over the link and I never actually knew myself.
eitherway he’s paying a lot more towards one child and 0 towards the other…

You’re both on completely different pages. He’s apparently currently sinking in debt to the point that he’s running out of money, not paying bills and needs your help and you’re talking about not wanting your child to go to school in that area and saving for a house.

If he’s struggling with money when living in a family owned home with a big rent reduction with one child, how do you think he’s going to save toward a deposit and pay a mortgage and all the extra costs associated with owning with two children?

This is madness, it’s like you don’t know each other or are living completely different lives.

Currently pregnant with baby number 4 here. Got rid of all my baby stuff after number 3 years ago..From experience you are way over buying and over thinking the stuff you need. People will buy you things and most products you don't really need. All I have is some nappies, some babygros, some vests, some muslins , somewhere for baby to sleep and a car seat to bring them back from hospital. That's all you need to start with. You can add bits when baby is here or borrow things for the short time the baby need them i.e play mat, bouncer etc. Things are easily accessible and plenty of them.

@Crikeyalmighty how do I go about doing a credit check on him?

Honestly it’s insanity, I work in a job doing finance and working with budgets so I really do understand things are not at all adding up. I am kind of hoping it’s frivolous spending, as that’s something that can definitely be reigned in.

Income is definitely accurate - when starting a new job I was helping out with a wage slip due to checking tax etc.

Sorry OP but I think you are in for a rough ride with him.
Debts, often not contributing to his daughters clothes etc(why don’t you take the new clothes off her and put the ones she arrived in back on so they new ones don’t go to her Mums)borrowing money frequently from you and not even thinking about contributing to his new child’s needs.
And no financial transparency from him.
He's risky.
I would be telling him you need a full and frank conversation about his finances.
You need to know exactly what the hell is going on there.

After reading your first post I would have advised you to merge finances. Now I would recommend a mix of shared pots and separate savings.
He sounds quite disorganised about money, and tbh not really in a position to be expanding his family.
I would be quite uncomfortable living in a situation where I didn’t know the committed outgoings, rent, CT, utilities, subscriptions etc.
You really do need to sit down and have a long conversation, from future financial plans and attitudes to nitty gritty details of spend.
There is a danger that even if he is much more transparent and you develop a plan he will then let you take the responsibility and be able to go on spending as he feels like.
He really needs to tackle the debt properly and try to reduce it before you are on maternity leave.
You may decide that the imbalance in attitudes to money means that you would be better apart and in control.

@MissUltraViolet sorry school convo happened a bit before I found out the debt issues, he said he had a credit card here or there prior so I didn’t think it was such a big debt situation…

When getting together he always said his main aim was saving for a house for us both, moving to a different area, having a child etc etc.

Believe me if I had an understanding of the current financial situation from the beginning, my decisions may have been very different. But that being said I can’t turn back time and magically change and thing and I have a beautiful baby on the way who is unbelievably loved already and my family are absolutely brilliant and I have no doubt at all that if needed they would support me until I got back onto my feet.

It’s just a shit show for a sequence of events really

What does he actually say when you ask where his money’s going?

If he’s used to weekly wages would he be up for you getting his salary, paying the essentials, then giving him a weekly allowance from what’s left over minus savings?

You both just need to sit down and do a spreadsheet of both incoming and outgoings.
Then work out what you can both afford to contribute to rent/bills/savings and so on.
Make it fair.
It doesn't matter that he rents from friends or family .
Then hopefully he will plan enough money for both his children .
It sounds like saving for a house should probably be shelved until things settle down a bit financially for both of you .

@Claudiand he says payment plans that he’s having to repay… I do know he had arrears for a utility bill that he had to pay on one go

before we got together he was self employed and out of work for a bit, which is what I’ve been told is how the situation started - not sure I fully believe that though

Stop buying baby things, stop buying for your DSD. Whenever something needs to be bought for DSD ask your DP and when he says yes also mentions something needed for the baby.
For ex: dsd wants £50 for clothes, he gives you -£50, then mention a baby item. Either he has £50 more, great, or he says he has no more, in which case you tell him that the £50 will need to be split in half as both kids have needs.

Don't agree when shes doing all weekly shopping which she says adds up to 50% of the rent.

@Cherrysoup in all fairness someone did say it’s shy of the half for rent… so I hold my hands up on that one
but still I pay for a lot more all found on leisure activities

do not set up a joint account when his finances are in such a mess. he needs to sort out his debts first.

your better off going back to your parents and continuing to save for your mortgage there.

I don’t get that sense from OP. She doesn’t seem to begrudge her DSD anything, she just needs her DH to step up and provide for the new baby as well.

Just an update
he’s agreed to joint accounts (more so joint Monzo pots - which I’m happier to do than an actual joint account based on the financial situation)
but isn’t willing to be fully transparent about accounts… he is going through a debt charity to help work through this debts
however I’m just not convinced this is the reason, I feel like I’m going to unravel more than he’s let on about this

Why is he paying child support to his DD's mother, if he has her 50% of the time?

Where did you get that from? Please do point out where OP says she begrudge her partners daughter.

So he's a financial black hole who can't afford the child he has...
So you decided to move in with him and have a baby, without sorting all of this out? Sensible.

What will you do if you can't go back to work after having the baby?

@HiptotheHopp as already said
I found this out more recently….

I just assumed like any normal person there were no issues. But I’ve learnt never to assume

...........but isn’t willing to be fully transparent about accounts… he is going through a debt charity to help work through this debts

Oh dear. That doesn't bode well.
I'd be very careful not to get financially entangled with this man @Newmum770 as he sounds irresponsible.

Don't marry him and don't buy a house together.

I agree about the debt, it sounds like a lot and if he won't be honest you need to be very careful here.

be careful OP, do not buy a house with him etc until you know more and are extremely sure

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
@beAsensible1

yes I’ve learnt a lot recently about buying houses, and marriage when one person has a lot of debt and it’s not appealing to be honest

OP I just couldn’t be with someone that’s hiding their finances from me especially considering he isn’t putting anything into the pot for your joint child. Sorry that would be it for me

You waited to find out, you didn't ask. "Normal people" actually find out about the basic facts of someone's life before they move in and get pregnant with them. Who would just assume?