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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

439 replies

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 09:32

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 12/02/2025 23:31

Bambiisasillybilly · 12/02/2025 14:50

I'm not going to tell you what to do relationships are complicated and you have to do what's right for you. He has to want to get help and talk to someone himself. They say once an addict always an addict but that doesn't mean he can't change and stop gambling. You can't do it for him he has to want to get help and take the steps to change. You can not enable him or mother him he has to seek help or your relationship could become codependent if you decide to stay with him. You will also need advice on what you could do to to support him or your child if you are no longer with him.

My partner is an ex addict. When I first met him he was sorting himself out this was over 20 years ago. After I met him we decided to give it a go, and after a couple of years of being together we decided to save and buy a house, and then we had children, and then we decided to pay private school fees etc etc etc. Looking at him you would never know he was an ex addict. He has endless energy and a workaholic, he's addicted to work. There is no such thing as a fairytale couple or marriage, life is hard, and it brings all sorts of challenges. If you decide to leave he will still be there in your child's life. I wouldn't write him off just yet.

I agree with this OP. It is difficult for an addict to change and it is difficult to trust an addict. But I wouldn’t write him off without giving him an opportunity to prove himself in recovery.

This might mean you living apart for a while. It might mean Gamblers Anonymous and therapy for him. It might mean you having access to his banking. If he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back, I would give him time to try.

madmeg1952 · 13/02/2025 12:51

FWIW, DH and I are in our 70s. 35 years ago DH had a new colleague at work who gradually became a friend of us both. What we didn't know at first was that he had a wife and 3 DDs living miles away and he had "left" them 10 years earlier for a job 300 miles away (agreed by them both). Once in that job he had an affair with a younger woman and when it ended he upped his occasional gambling to it being daily/hourly. He amassed huge gambling debts which continued when he became DH's colleague. We used to get desperate phone calls from him in the middle of the night telling us he had been an idiot again and asking what he should do. We didn't really have a clue how to advise but stayed his friend. This was pre-internet gambling so he had to physically go to a casino (it wasn't sports-related things he gambled on).

His wife still loved him. Once the kids were young adults, she moved to live with him again. She helped him face the gambling and the debts. He was declared bankrupt so everything was in her name.

It took a long time but it worked. They moved back to their home town and he became the best dad/grandad/husband. He died last year aged almost 80, leaving good memories for his family.

You never know, OP, something good could come out of this.

Pessismistic · 13/02/2025 15:46

Hi op I think now your having a baby together you need to have a joint account put so much in then you pay half of everything including new baby then if you take his dc out you ask for him to reimburse you. as this is before the baby comes you need to share 50/50 because kids are expensive and you will be out of pocket if you keep paying and you will resent the dsd getting things of dad. Nip it in the bud now.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/02/2025 18:26

Pessismistic · 13/02/2025 15:46

Hi op I think now your having a baby together you need to have a joint account put so much in then you pay half of everything including new baby then if you take his dc out you ask for him to reimburse you. as this is before the baby comes you need to share 50/50 because kids are expensive and you will be out of pocket if you keep paying and you will resent the dsd getting things of dad. Nip it in the bud now.

How about you RTFT?
Or at least the OP's posts.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2025 19:03

@Newmum770

For my own wellbeing and mental health I’m taking a step back and letting others deal with the rest. I have done as much as I can.

I agree 100% that it's time to step back. I'd say time to step 'away' but that will be your decision, of course.

Pessismistic · 13/02/2025 22:02

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/02/2025 18:26

How about you RTFT?
Or at least the OP's posts.

Show quote history

I have no idea what your words mean @the Bruno

DPotter · 13/02/2025 22:15

RTFT = Read The Full Thread

Alternatively if you click on the 'See All' in the Original Post - you will see just the OP posts.

Basically the thread has moved on and the OP has moved on

changeme4this · 14/02/2025 07:20

I’m up to page 10 with your answers but my suggestion is what clothes and toys you buy for DSD stays at yours. None of this no outfits for next week business.

I was with a solo dad many years ago and he was buying clothes for each visit and son would take toys back to mums. Nothing would return for his use next visit….

changeme4this · 14/02/2025 07:26

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 19:03

Well update
I have had a conversation and he’s shown me his debts, but will not provide a bank statement to let me understand what’s going on. Instead said it’s embarrassing and he spends on gambling and shopping (he barely buys anything) so I’m going to guess it’s a large amount of the former…

So as you can imagine I’m heartbroken. But at least I finally got my answers…

If anyone has advice for a partner that gambles please do chime in, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a positive outcome

Edited

I worked with a guy who was a heavy gambler in Australia. He forged his wife’s signature to extend their home loan (this is going back nearly 30 years now).

he was able to access superannuation on an emergency basis to clear some of that loan. His wife took all monies and remaining assets into her name and they stayed together for a short while.

heard 3rd hand he started gambling again and that ended the relationship. Unable to say what sort of counselling he went through, but his ways ended their relationship.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 26/02/2025 16:38

This thread is a couple of weeks old now, but I am wondering how the OP is doing. @Newmum770 I hope the stress has not been too big a burden and that you are doing okay.

As far as I am concerned, you and your baby are the important ones here and I hope you protect both of you. Lean on your parents, as I am betting they will be there anytime and every time you need them.

I wish you the very best and a wonderful birthing experience.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 26/02/2025 17:02

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck thank you for your kind message ♥️

I am in a much better place emotionally and mentally since all of the above unfolded. I reached out and got support including 1-1 counselling from a charity called GamCare & Aquarius who have been nothing short of incredible. Also from a company called step change too. I genuinely felt at the time my life had been turned upside down and I was struggling to see any positives, I held A LOT of guilt for my unborn baby and everything I felt I had got myself into. But I’m feeling more positive now, I’ve started a new job which I think has been great to take my mind off things and I’ve been able to reach out to my friends and family who as expected have been incredible in supporting me, as well as my partners family. I also have so much faith and confidence in myself which at the time I was struggling to see… that if things don’t work out I will be just as brilliant on my own.

Much to I’m sure a lot of posters dismay, I have stayed with my partner but by no means has this been a small decision to make. I have had a lot of advice from lots of different people. I do my best to support him but we have reached out for 1-1 support individually and to our friends and family too which has definitely helped take the weight off my shoulders.

I have protected myself and my finances to the maximum and have savings for myself (my maternity leave) and the baby should things not work out.

Theres plenty more I could go into but those are the key details.

Again I want to say a massive thank you for all of the advice I received. And the women who came to my defensive with the no bullshit approach too, although many will not understand I hope you can appreciate that it’s a choice I have had to make myself and only time will tell if it works out, and if it doesn’t I have an AMAZING support network who will dust me off and pick me back up ♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 26/02/2025 17:04

And if absolutely anybody finds themselves in a similar situation or comes across this that needs help and support, please do private message me. I will give you as much help as I possibly can x

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 26/02/2025 17:06

I have completely stepped back in my step parenting role and I’m taking the back seat, me and the baby are my priority at the moment

OP posts:
AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 27/02/2025 06:00

@Newmum770 I am so happy to read your update. It sounds like you are getting a lot of support and are moving forward. I can totally understand still being with your partner as there is history, and love there. But, I also love the fact that you know that if things ever fall apart, you will have the support needed to thrive.

Your offer to help and listen to anyone who might find themselves in your position shows just the type of person you are. I hope your partner sees this too.

Enjoy your time preparing for this sweet new life you are bringing into the world. Truly, wishing you the best, always!

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