My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

I'm so sad for you @Newmum770

I can tell how shocked and distressed you are.

This is correct. Gamblers will gamble away everything they have, including relationships, without blinking. He may be sad/angry/and ashamed over your confrontation or at the prospect if your leaving him but he is not the person whose mental health needs to be prioritized right now. HE IS NOT PREGNANT and sharing a body with a vulnerable baby. You are. Your highest priority is your health and safety.

You have been more than responsible in notifying his parents that you are dropping his leash. He may whine and fry for a few minutes while you are watching. They may call you to tell you he “needs” you but this is all bullshit. He will chase his high again gambling as soon as you are gone.

Did his parents warn you he was a gambler? If they knew and did not they are complicit with him and have enabled him. If his parents did not know then their explanation for hs behavior probably blames his ex—and now you—for failing their darling boy. Don’t look to them for support.

The main thing, my darling OP, is that you haven’t done anything wrong—you made what seemed like good decisions based on the information you had. The time for beating yourself up and regretting is not now. You just need to go home and let your family embrace you. You are a few months out from being a mother and you will be a great mother. The way you handled your own debt and your recent employment situation shows that. You will be an exemplary and very loved mother. And later, no doubt, you will meet someone worthy of your love who utterly supports you snd your child.

Just wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a compassionate hug. You can do this.

@Newmum770 honestly lovely you will be fine if you have a supportive family- please don't beat yourself up, so many intelligent and kind women on here have done things that in retrospect we thought 'wtf' !! It feels horrendous at the time but my own view is better you know now than with a small baby to cope with on top.

You will learn from this experience- what to look out for , how to protect yourself, it's horrible I know but an experience like this makes many of us a little harder- sometimes love isn't enough - I had 4 years post divorce with someone who turned out to be a raging alcoholic cocklodger- certainly wasn't like this in the first year and by the time I had moved in it all became very obvious, told lies about his job, secretive with debt etc. took me several years to get out !

Please don't stay with him- you will spend all your time when you should be enjoying your baby acting as James Bond 007 and working out what he's up to, everytime he says 'I can't afford that ' you will be wanting to see his statements etc! It's no way to live- try and arrange to have an amicable co parenting arrangement if he wants that - if he doesn't then it's his loss.

Take care x

As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

Oh dear. You are nesting and setting a prescient that he does need to contribute, not pay you back when you pay 100% of his child's costs but can kick up a fuss and 'make' you pay half for what he pays for his child's costs

It really really doesn't sound good.

He is already getting a good deal from the family member providing him subsidised rent. Looks like he is looking for you to subsidise the children. Bet he doesn't do much housework and parenting. Just a hunch. Sorry

I'm not going to tell you what to do relationships are complicated and you have to do what's right for you. He has to want to get help and talk to someone himself. They say once an addict always an addict but that doesn't mean he can't change and stop gambling. You can't do it for him he has to want to get help and take the steps to change. You can not enable him or mother him he has to seek help or your relationship could become codependent if you decide to stay with him. You will also need advice on what you could do to to support him or your child if you are no longer with him.

My partner is an ex addict. When I first met him he was sorting himself out this was over 20 years ago. After I met him we decided to give it a go, and after a couple of years of being together we decided to save and buy a house, and then we had children, and then we decided to pay private school fees etc etc etc. Looking at him you would never know he was an ex addict. He has endless energy and a workaholic, he's addicted to work. There is no such thing as a fairytale couple or marriage, life is hard, and it brings all sorts of challenges. If you decide to leave he will still be there in your child's life. I wouldn't write him off just yet.

@Newmum770

I'm glad you're going to your parents. They'll give you the love and support you need right now.

And please don't feel 'guilty'. You did not deliberately choose a 'bad' man. You went into this relationship honestly, as we all do, believing in him because that is the 'face' he showed you. There is no guilt in being deceived by someone who isn't being honest. Anger at him, yes. Guilt in yourself, no. So just keep telling yourself that. "I did not create this situation, he did".

Being an addict doesn't make them a bad person. He has to want to change and take steps to change.

OP, I feel such an idiot for not reading the thread in full, before making my suggestion of him giving you a credit card in his name, so that you could pay for his child's expenses without footing the bill.

I've now brought myself up to date, and in a way am relieved that you've found out relatively quickly, rather than letting him fob you off any longer, as to why he was failing to repay you for DSD's expenses, and to contribute to things for the new baby.

However, I am SO sorry that you were smacked in the face with the true reason for him being in debt, as gambling is, in my opinion, even worse than being an alcoholic.

Thank goodness you have a loving and supportive family to go home to, I feel sure from what you've told us, that you will be welcomed, cared for, and loved throughout the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond.

Meanwhile, please, whatever you do, DON'T make the mistake of thinking you can change him, or help him, you CAN'T! No one can, except HIMSELF! And remember, none of this is YOUR fault, despite what some of the nasty posters on MN have tried to make out!

I also think that if you ever get to the bottom of things, that you'll find this is not the first time he's got himself in a mess due to gambling, and that his family are fully aware of his problem, which is why he's ended up renting a house from family, as he's clearly not going to be able to get a rental or a mortgage with his financial background.

Finally, I'd like to send you a virtual hug, and some💐to cheer you up. Wishing you all the very best with the remainder of your pregnancy, and the birth of your baby.

It doesn’t make them a bad person but he is already lying to her and cheating their baby out of money he could be spending on his family. And while he can change (in theory) this is his burden to bear, not hers. She should get out and let him sort himself out without her policing his finances and wondering whether he is lying to her every step of the way.

You are being really brave right now OP, I know what it’s like to get this kind of shocking news and have your whole world turned upside down . You feel like you’ve lost your whole future.

But you are going to be fine. You have your health, a good job and a supportive family. You are enterprising, smart and organised and have come through some tough times when you were only in your 20s.

You can do this - many of us here on Mn are single mums and all our kids are doing fine. Yes it perhaps wasn’t what we planned but that’s what happened.

Like you I was lied to, conned and deceived by my Husband who stole money from our joint business and from our savings and pensions over 20 years. So if you think YOU are stupid and gullible - look at me ! It took me decades to find out . You have found out in less than 6 months. And you were smart enough not to marry him or buy a house with him.

So don’t blame yourself - you were not a fool to trust your partner. He took your love and loyalty, your generous heart and your kindness - some of your best qualities - and used them against you .

I know you are still in the place of loving him and worrying about him, but when you get through that stage of grief you will see that he is in fact a user who exploited you.

If she stays with him how can she support him without him being codependent on her. An addict has to want to stop and they are the only ones who can change their behaviour. Some addicts are so far gone that the only way for them to stop is hitting rock bottom. That's the point when they start asking for help and turning their lives around. It's up to the op to judge whether she feels he can stop for good and make those changes for their child. If he doesn't then she will have to support her daughter who's father is an addict so the op will need to get advice. I did leave 2 links for gamblers anonymous websites.

We have a joint account which has everything paid into. We both have small separate debts which just comes out of our joint money. Everything we earn all goes in one account, and everything we spend all comes from the same account. We don’t need to hide any finance stuff from each other else I don’t see the point t in a partnership. Having said that if I had large amounts of debt I wouldn’t expect him to pay that, and I assume DH would say the same the other way round

I fully agree with this. I think she needs to step away from him and let him work it out, let him be the one who asks for help (from his parents or from her), let him be the driver for that. But at the moment he isn't asking for help and he isn't being transparent with her, he is still refusing to show her his debt. I'm thinking there is still a bit to go until he gets to rock bottom...in fact he is nowhere near rock bottom. In the meantime, she should stay away from him so she can focus in her own wellbeing and navigating life on her own with her new baby rather than worry about fixing him. Or spending her energy on coming up with solution for him. That's his job.

I will update but there’s probably a lot more that’s been going on that I can even be bothered to talk about.

All finances have been shared, including all bank statements. I knew it was bad but the last 3 months have made me sick to my stomach and the amount is something I will never in my life understand.

DP has previously had blocks on lots of betting sites, so from what I’ve been able to sift through it’s only become a severe problem in the last 9 months or so. The day I found out he downloaded all blocking software off his own back - so cannot access any gambling websites or apps uk or internationally for 5 years with an automatic renewal.

I called up gambling support and have had advice from them, including to support and protect myself. I have advised him to do the same, whether he does or not will determine if he wants to help himself or not.

He had already contacted debt agencies before I ever raised my concerns regarding debt, and payment plans have been finalised.

I have sifted through months and months or statements to understand his real “outgoings” which honestly are minimal and kind of makes this 10x worse but I have also seen a little glimmer of hope in the previous years when he has been able to maturely manage his money. And think he will eventually with a lot of help (not necessarily from me) get himself back on track again.

I’ve asked him to reach out to his parents, he has and I have asked for permission to disclose the full financial picture (which he has also agreed to). I do not have time to do everything before they speak but I have give a one month recent view as to how much has been gambled and will explain any advice I have been given so far from gambling support and how to help him.

For my own wellbeing and mental health I’m taking a step back and letting others deal with the rest. I have done as much as I can.

You're handling this magnificently, OP. Now please get some rest. You're growing a new human. Your partner will have to manage his own affairs from now on.

Well done OP, it's in his hands now and you never know, this may be his rock bottom and he can only go up from here.

I worked for a betting company to my shame many moons ago.

Get him to contact each betting company, that he has a gambling issue, he'll be blocked from their site forever as they have a duty of care, saving their own skin using his ID.

If they continued to take bets they become responsible so they ensure that the caller is blocked forever.

I kid you not" some callers were hiding underneath the bed whispering the bet, others told you it's the last 20, if they didn't win it's the mortgage payment, I've hear many grown man crying.

If he is genuine about blocking himself, tell him to start emailing or phoning each one.

Tbf you're being naive by thinking you can fix it.
You are searching for a glimmer of hope in a big pile of shit.
Just save yourself years of BS with his victim mentality and walk away.
this may be his rock bottom and he can only go up from here.
No it won't. Do not give her false hope, he already expects everyone else to clear his mess.

What does he do with his money? Is he clearing up debts ? Gambling ?

@EmeraldShamrock000 thank you so so much for this! I genuinely had no idea that was a thing nor had it seen it anywhere so will add that to DP to do list

Look up your local gambling anonymous group, there might be one that supports the loved ones of gambling addicts, you'll find a lot of support there.
You'll definitely find on online.
Best of luck.

I'm not giving her false hope, and I'm not saying she should stay with him, the opposite actually I think for both their sakes she should leave, but this may be his rock bottom and may be the wake up call he needs in his life. People do recover from addictions, but they have to want to.

It's going to go one of two ways, he'll either treat it as the wake up call he needs, or he will carry on regardless, for OPs childs sake I hope it the former, but OP has absolutely no control over what happens now.

I think if she stayed, he would know that he can carry on fucking up and she'll keep forgiving, leaving is the only way to drive it home that she won't tolerate being with someone who won't put their partner and children first above their own selfish needs.

Fgs read the thread.

op it isnt your oversight. It isnt something you missed. It isnt your fault.