Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

Ring her? Go to her house?

Sorry, do you mean the partner is not responding to you or to your friend? Is she in touch with your mutual friend?

Are they active online? If this is out of character I would ring or knock.

Close friends or close WhatsApp friends?

Close friends. Have been best friends since school. Usually go away once a year. Both have families and between work and clubs etc meeting up every week isn't always possible. But we chat every day on Whatsapp (or did up until 6 weeks ago) in the evenings about news, family etc. Conversation was always free flowing and light hearted We're all fairly relaxed poeple that never have any drama going on. It's all confusing.

Sorry my friends partner is responding but being vague (friend has not been themselves lately, it's a being blunt when I ask etc) as friend is clearly not wanting to communicate what's up.

Was thinking of ringing at lunchtime. I wanted to go to the house but worried about getting a door slammed in my face. I never thought my friend would slam a door in my face but then again I never thought they'd ghost me for so long. I'm worried as my friend is a such a closed book, and if they don't want to let people know what;'s up, that if I turned up will they react negatively (i.e. like an injured animal that's cornered).

Maybe something has happened, like a cancer diagnosis or something, that they're still trying to wrap their head around? I would just message again privately saying you're here to listen or if you're needed for anything then leave the ball in their court.

Leave them alone? Maybe send a text saying not you have not heard back from you, contact me when you’re ready. Not everyone wants to be messaged all the time, maybe they are not well and don’t want to share or just tired or a change in work or busy in other ways.

There’s nothing more exhausting than needing a break and feeling harassed and bombarded with messages demanding contact.

You've messaged your friend and they haven't responded. You've also messaged their partner who has told you that your friend isn't themselves at the moment.

You've said yourself that your friend 'is such a closed book' and 'is clearly not wanting to communicate what's up'.

Whatever they're going through, it's very, very obvious that they don't want to talk at the moment, so you need to respect them and leave them alone. I get that you're worried, but your wish to find out what's going on isn't more important than your friend's wish to be left alone.

OP, I'm sure things from a good place but omfg step back and give her space.

You've asked if she's OK and contacted her partner, clearly she doesn't want to talk about whatever is bothering her so leave her.

I don't want to be nasty and ask why you think your need for answers is greater than her need to privacy at the moment but in case yiu need to hear it- it isn't. She will either come back or she won't. Either you've offended her and been cut off or she has something massive going on right now and really really doesn't need repeated messages.

I agree.

Please don't go round in person - I think your instinct that she'll feel 'cornered' is correct.

Your friend is a VERY closed book if even their partner is claiming that they do not know if something is wrong. I don't know your friend, only you can know quite how out of character this is.

What does your other friend think? What is your gut instinct? Does your friend have family locally that they see on a regular basis, a job (in other words, are they going about their daily life normally and just not messaging at the moment?)

If this were any of my friends, I would go to their house as I would be pretty worried but I don't have any friends who would be quite this private.

Tbf our whatapp chat is fairly relaxed in the sense that at times all of us have at one point been busy and not messaged for a several days. Or is a topic that one of us might not find relevant or interesting so choose not to contribute. However, in the end it always navigates towards general chat.

My other friend and I have continued to chat and post random news snippets at the usual rate.

In terms of my communication the last contribution from my friend to the group was 29th Dec. It was a movie recommendation. I messaged friends partner about 7th Jan asking if they got a new phone, phone broken? Partner confirmd phone was working. I then messaged friend a few days later hoping they were ok and if they need anything let me know.

I feel 1 message to my friend (and 1 to partner) in 6 weeks is hardly bombarding and demanding of contact. In fact my message to friend was via Whatapp and that has remained unread. This is the first time my friend has went so long without contact in 30+ years of friendship. What's the point in being a friend if you're not going to show concern or offer support when if they're struggling?

She's a grown up
Whatever is wrong ,she doesn't want to involve you .
Respect that and give her space
If she's not responding to your messages,why on earth would you turn up on her door step to force a conversation..she clearly doesn't want a conversation with you

Just leave it. They're obviously not wanting contact atm so please respect that. Just say 'I'm here if and when you need'.

OP this is a hard one.

I'd maybe message something along the lines off, "I dont know what you're going through and dont want to bombard you right now but know that I love you and that I'm always here."

That way you are offering support but also giving her space

Leave her alone

I wouldn't leave it.. i would definitely call or message again and say you are really worried. How long has she been with her partner? Maybe he doesn't realise how close you are. If he/she takes offense then I would be prepared for that rather than wish I had done more. If I was in a situation where I couldn't even PM a 30 year old close friend then I would be more upset if they didn't pursue a response from me!

Have you spoken to the other friend about it? What do they think?

My other friend is unsure, is certain it's nothing our chat has triggered, but is confused by the lack of communication.

A family member of mine bumped into my friend a few days after the storm and said my friend they seemed fine. I've not said anything to anyone beyond my other friend, so when my family member said 'I saw so and so', I kept it to 'oh what is friend up to atm etc'. So my friend is going about their usual day.

Part of me wonders if it's a mental health thing. That perhaps my friend is getting little joy out of life and needs all their energy to carry out the bare minimum (go to work, entertain DC etc). That our chat requires energy that can't afford. If it is that it upsets me to think my friend could be struggling whilst I'm blissfully carrying on with my normal routines.

My friends partner knows the 3 of us have been lifelong best friends. They've been together themselves for over 10 years. It's totally out of character. It just feels wrong to stay silent and hope thinks magically resolve themselves.

Why are you being so secretive about the gender of your friend? I can't help thinking you are keeping that vague for a reason. is your friend a man? Is there any possibility that your male friend's partner is not happy with your friendship or with what's going on within the group?

DH had a male friend and colleague who went completely awol - from work, from normal chat etc. turned out he'd been having an affair!

You said the partner has indicated she has not been herself.

She is obviously going through something- whether its health or trauma related.

You have initiated contact with her and her partner and she has chosen not to respond at this time.

Respect her wishes.

Back off!

I think bababear's message is a good one. I'd send that or even post it in a card..I don't think you can do anymore really.

I would leave it she's maybe just going through stuff that she isn't wanting to share, the partner is being vague clearly not wanting to tell you something and that's fine.