Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

This has happened in our friendship circle recently and it was down to a mental health crisis (seems to be a common theme in middle aged men at the moment, not sure how old you all are). The person involved didn't say anything for a couple of weeks but did eventually meet up with DH for a chat and some support.

If it was one of my friends I think I'd be tempted to pop round to his house by now. His partner can head you off if he really doesn't want to see you (but sounds like he's been out and about). Maybe you could write a card to post if he's not home "Hi X, have been really worried about you, I'm here if you need anything, please get in touch when you feel up to it" sort of thing.

@@IlCommissarioMontalbano yes. I saw that programme on Netflix about that poor man who was a victim of domestic abuse - I was very upset by it - it made me cry.

Me too

A former very good friend of mine suddenly went awol and all her social accounts disappeared. I was worried about her and thought she was having a MH crisis. Was reaching out and hitting a brick wall. Found out a good few weeks later that she had blocked me on everything (however group WhatsApp messages do go through though she archived those for a while). Turns out she was upset because I hadn’t replied to some of her reposted news stories on Instagram stories. This is a woman in her mid 40s btw not a teen and she was not personally affected by the events in the news stories she was posting about.

She then popped up many months later acting like nothing happened pretending she hadn’t blocked me or others (turns out a few of us were in the doghouse ). Decided to call quits on that friendship there and then. If you’re pissed off fine - but own it and explain it don’t ghost and gaslight.

Your friend could be having a crisis - he could also be taking offence at something totally unexpected.

Another thread recently reported a similar thing recently - she was worried sick her best friend who had gone awol for the best part of a year without discussion might have cancer or depression. Turned out she was pissed off about where her friend had seated her at her wedding. Sometimes people do very strange things!

Have you checked if she reads your mssgs on the group? That would show she actively checks the group

my friend (who’s male just to iterate) checked messages twice last week but not seen then. Both times messages showed as read at like 2am. So he’s checked hem twice in 6 weeks.

You said he works for himself, could it be work related? Is his business going well?

Sometimes people need to be alone.

As you already know, this friend can easily contact you if she wants. Don’t force your society on her.

By all means let her know that she’s in your thoughts and that you would love to hear from her at anytime.

But anything more (repeatedly messaging, phoning or seeking her out) is harassment. She may be having a difficult time already, don’t make it harder by violating her clear boundaries.

I would imagine something has happened their end, something possibly traumatic and they’re not ready to divulge.

Maybe drop some flowers off, possibly stay at the door and say “I hope all is ok, I’m not looking to stay just wanted to say if thinking of you”. If they invite you in great, if not leave them to process and they may approach you in a couple of weeks.

Or write a letter and hand deliver it with some flowers by the door, or just message saying you’re worried and there for them.

You don’t come across as an insulting person, so I am guessing you’ve done nothing wrong, has the other friend heard from them?

Call in. Sometimes things happen and people retreat into themselves. I do this and had ill health and few years ago and got really down was ignoring everyone. My two besties called in told me off for ignoring them lol and we sat for hours laughing and talking. Was the medicine I didn't know I needed. Hope your friend is OK x

Just an update I tried calling my friend at lunchtime yesterday but it rang out to voicemail. I then sent them a text message in the evening (after their DC would be in bed but early enough that they would still be up). Had no reply back so just going to give them a bit more space. It's their DC birthday in 2 weeks time so if I haven't heard anything by then I'll be dropping a gift off anyway, so will have some idea how they are.

As his partner has said that’s he’s not been himself lately and to text something innocuous I would think it’s a mental health crisis, and not meaning to be sweeping but a lot of men struggle to talk about their mental health. You have said that messages in the group are generally lighthearted, football related etc, that might make him not realise that you are the type of friends he can confide in about mental health.
I think in your shoes given how worried you are I would just go and knock on his door at a time he is likely to be in. Even if he is not in you might find his partner will tell you what’s going on in person. Some people understandably won’t share their troubles in writing.

When we were late 30s/early 40s my dh developed some health issues which caused his mental health and energy levels to nose dive - he had a full on job (left house 6:45am, never home before 7:45 earliest) and young kids and he was so exhausted he let everything else slide. One of his best mates kept ringing (when he was out at work usually🙄) and eventually said to me “that’s it, I’m never ringing again”… if he’d just left it Dh would have no doubt got back in touch when he was better but that final phone call had become a thing of its own and too difficult to get past. Send the “hope you’re ok” message and then leave it - that’s your best option.

Their childs birthday sounds like a great excuse to pop round.

I don't agree with all the "leave them alone" comments. A friend of 30 years is worth trying to keep hold of. And if I was struggling, I would hope a friend of 30 years would think I was worth the bother to try and help me.

Just seen your update, sorry - yes, drop the gift round if that’s what you usually do as it’s a good ice breaker - but don’t push yourself on them if they seem reticent…but that’s prob obvious!

Are they actually reading your messages - WhatsApp reveals a bluet tick once opened and read by the receiver

I want to say 'Leave her alone, she'll communicate when she's ready, she's a grown woman' etc etc as many other posters have done.And then I remember all of the 'Missing or Murdered' episodes I've been binge-watching recently.

No, if you say she's been seen out and about etc I am sure she's okay from that point of view. But yes, I'd leave it a little while longer before trying any more contact.

Sorry.......blue tick

The only thing I would worry about if you wait until their child’s birthday is they are likely to put a mask on things for their child’s sake and not open up because they won’t want the birthday to be about whatever might be going on. Unless you mean dropping the gift off at a time when their DC won’t be home?

I was very stressed and depressed a while ago and honestly did not have the energy or will power to reply to messages by well meaning friends. If you met me in the street you would think I was fine.

Just send a card saying you hope that they are ok and that you are here for them if they ever want to chat/go for a pint/watch a match etc.

Goodness, I'd be past myself with worry. Hope he's okay OP 💐

Husbands friend was like this and we heard the worst a few months later. Husband really struggled with the idea he should have checked in more.
Trust your gut. Yes people want their space but it could also be a cry for help and your reaching out and trying to talk could be the thing that pulls them through.
Read the whole thread. You've checked in. I'd take a present over in a few weeks.

Can I just ask one thing about the messages that are posted in the group. Are they the kind that his partner may have taken offence to and she has asked him to go low contact with you. Unlikely but something else to consider.

They've not been reading the Whatsapp messages with any regularity.

I first noticed early Jan that all the messsages from 2 weeks early had beeen delivered but unread. That's what prompt me to check their phone was working. The messages then remained unread for the whole of January.

Last week it showed messages read at 2am on 5th Feb. Then messages from 5th to 7th went unread until 2am on the 8th Feb. They have since remained unread.

I thought perhaps the fact the messages had been finally opened on two occasions was maybe a good sign that things were looking up, and maybe a response was inbound. But then realising they were being read at 2am I thought maybe that's not a good sign.

It's difficult and I'm probably overanalysing but I've rang, sent a message and have a target for dropping off a present in 2 weeks time. Fingers crossed I hear before then.

Have you called or gone to her house? I had this with a friend just before her wedding so I called her and she never picked up BUT called me back instantly saying she was overwhelmed and things weren’t good between her and her fiance (they did get married). Sometimes people go off the grid when they are dealing with a lot!