Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

Will people please at least respect the OP enough to read all of their posts???
Even if you have something so important to say you can't be arsed to skim the full thread?

This is a MAN with a MALE friend.
And yes, it dies make a difference.

Just in the sense that he's a closed book and doesn't talk about his feelings. He's not openly affectionate but you can tell he is affecionate in the way he interacts with DC and amount of time he spends with his immediate family.

So as frustrated and worried as I've been I can't imagine how frustrating its been for her. My other friend messaged her a few weeks after I had (so maybe just under a month ago) and she said she'd tried gently talking to him and also playing good cop/bad cop. Every tactic was met with met with a stubborn resistance (I'm fine) so she didn't want to force the matter and opted to wait and see if his mood will lift on its own.

Still no response to the text or call I made on Monday.

I think I'd text once more and just say, you've said your fine so I accept i may be worrying unnecessarily but if there's anything you do need to chat about im here whenever you're ready.

Then give a bit of space until you next have a reason to reach out like inviting him to something?

Just let them know you’re there if they need anything.
Then take a step back.

But basically you tried to trick a predominantly female demographic into spending our time and energy giving you (with your male advantage) advise that just isn’t relevant and is a low level form of coercive control. My advise as I read through the whole of page one and most of page 2 was going to be ‘pop round with a bunch of flowers to try to see them face to face and say something along the lines of ‘just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and here for you if you ever want to talk’.’

But it turns out both of you are male and I don’t feel qualified or have the confidence to mansplain male friendship dynamics to a man.

Now I’m seriously cranky about being tricked by you

I have no respect for the OP for the massive drip feed. He basically manipulated me into caring enough to give advise that’s totally irrelevant to male friendship dynamics which I’m not an expert on so wouldn’t want to care about if I wasn’t tricked into it

OP is a man asking for help with his friend.

Just take it at face value. It probably took you five minutes to write your post, just move on surely?

I’d invested 2 pages worth of reading at the point that OP divulged it was a male to male friendship which seemed very conniving and manipulative. I’m going to call that out and not just move on.

Trick, male advantage, cooeercive control, coniving, mansplain, manipulated into caring

I'm trying to seek genuine support and advice from people who perhaps have experienced the same situation. I have nobody to speak to about this beyond my DW and other best friend. I'm worrying for the well being of a 30+ year friendship and seeking guidance in the best way I know how.

I wish I knew what male advantage I have that makes me unworthy of advice for what I assume is a universal situation that isn't restricted to gender.

It's sad that your empathy and advice extends only to your own gender. You say you know nothing about the male friendship dynamic so how do you know your advice is relevant?

Perhaps look in the mirror and call yourself out whilst your busy calling out others.

Fortunately, my situation has resonated with others who have been kind enough to be a source of strength and wisdom in this difficult time.

Nasty

What a spiteful and unnecessary post .

Conniving and manipulative?? Seriously? What do you think he was trying to get out of it?
Friendships are pretty much the same no matter the sex of the person. Reactions to out of character behaviour would be the same. Throughout my life I’ve had friends from both sexes and there has been very little difference between the friendships.

My empathy isn’t constrained by gender. But you purposefully wrote your post in a 100% gender neutral way to hide it. Generally my empathy is constrained to truthful people.

my advise of ‘pop round with flowers’ would have been very different with just one reference to ‘he’ in you post.

It’s not a universal situation and it’s parhaps a symptom of your male privilege that you don’t see that female to female friendships typically have a different dynamic than male to male.

if you were seeking genuine support then being truthful generally helps.

Gender neutral isn’t manipulative.

Well I felt manipulated….

I did this once

my family member was very ill and two had committed suicide - safe to say I was having a hard time

when I found out my ‘whatsapp’ ‘friends’ were gossiping that I had fallen off the face of the earth and hypothesising amongst themselves about it I was LIVID. I read a message thread one said ‘she is probably up to shenigans…’. I can still feel the anger when I type this and it was a few years ago.

leave her alone please and shut down gossip - she will come to you when she can and if something awful has happened she will speak to you in her own time

The fact that you would change your advice based on gender actually says more about you. "Pop round with flowers" isn't a universal female thing. It's a cliche and a stereotype. What would your male advice have been? "Pop round with beer"?

Sounds like a bad mental health spell to me… Unfortunately from my own experience when I’m feeling this way, friendships have historically been the first thing I push aside as I try to keep myself alive and in a job. It’s not nice to go through on either side. Maybe he’s also feeling that it’s gone on so long now and you’ve ‘noticed’, so he can’t just quietly slot back in as normal. I feel that way sometimes, and when I was younger have lost friends because I leave it ‘too long’ and get too afraid to say anything.

Are you in Ireland OP (just a guess from the way you type)? I must say the weather the past 6-8 weeks has been extremely tough. We’re out on the coast and I have been miserable, unsociable, uncontactable, and very down. The cold and the greyness feels much worse than previous years (maybe I say that every year). It’s just never-ending.

It’s hard to find a balance between giving him space and wanting to know that things aren’t critical. You’re only human. Is it worth giving his partner a ring, maybe just before their DC’s birthday?

I think if the partner knows what's going on and is implying they don't want to talk right now then you should respect that. I wouldn't go round if partner knows they're safe and is keeping an eye on them. I'd send a "love you, here for you when you're ready, I hope you're OK and if you need me let me know" message and leave it with them, or maybe send some flowers saying "thinking of you and miss you, shout when you're ready to see us again". She clearly wants space, so it's fine to let her know you care but don't invade it when she's been fairly clear.

Thanks. Also when someone asked clarification on the genders I gave it. So don’t think the accusations of being untruthful are fair.

Thanks again for all the supportive messages and advice. Its definitely helped. I tried to call and sent a text on Monday but still awaiting a reply. DW usually crosses paths with friends DW on a Friday during the working day. So will ask her to subtlety check friends DW is ok and if she needs anything. Will see friend in few weeks for DC birthday so i feel that’s two small targets to work towards.

Scotland actually but DW is Irish. Thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you’re in a stronger place now 🙏

I once had a similar silence with a mum friend.
We had 1st DC same age. Her DH rang up to cancel a long arranged meet up - quite curtly I thought at the time.
I left a few messages but didn't hear from her. It turned out that she was trying to come to terms with a medical condition and didn't want anyone to know at all apart from her DH. She needed time and space to process it, without even people who cared about her knowing, but maybe especially people who cared about her, to see her differently or ask questions, so I understood it when I heard that.
I'm not saying this is what is happening to your friend. but their situation might be something that they feel they need to deal with on their own for whatever reason, rather than a case of cutting you off or not wanting you involved.

I'm just not sure what I would do in your position. You obviously care a lot about them.The two DWs are in communication, maybe your DW could tell her that you do care about him and are there for him when he needs you, but understand if he needs privacy. If its something serious, the DW will probably reach out eventually. But he will know that the offer is there and it keeps communication open without pressure (not that I think you are pressurising him in any way actually) I hope you find a way forward.