Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

'my friends partner is responding but being vague (friend has not been themselves lately, it's a being blunt when I ask etc)'

Yes, something is wrong. I think either she doesn't like you very much (or doesn't like you contacting her asking after him), he is annoyed with you and she feels awkward (sounds unlikely from what you have said) or that she doesn't like your friend very much at the moment (possible marital issue).

I would start with an honest message to him 'bit worried about you, clearly something is wrong, here if you need a friend.' And take it from there.

Can you see if he's been online?

I'd have been at his door weeks ago with a bar of chocolate

Send him a lighthearted message ..

"Oy, stranger. At least send me a thumbs up. I'm worried about you!"

FB messenger is showing today as green and online. A few weeks back he liked someone's status but I only noticed that as it said 'Demi friend and 28 other ppl liked', not sure how active he's been. In terms of Whatapp alll the messages from Jan went unread until a week ago. Since then there's been two spells of reading messages both at around 2am.

I tried calling at lunchtime there. Just once, but it rang out to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. I was thinking I'll leave him to call me back and if nothing at the end of the day maybe a suppotive text? Not sure though.

I was tempted at messaging a quip about doing dry january from our chat, but it's been so long and so out of character that I feel that a light hearted joke is then a bit insenstive? I don't know though. My head feels like a bowl of spaghetti from trying to figure it all out.

My initial assumptions would all be rather dramatic.
Is he having an affair and is getting home at 2am?
Is she having an affair and it’s keeping him awake at night?
Have they been trying for a baby and lost a child?
Has he lost his job due to a perceived embarrassing reason (caught stealing, drinking on the job etc.).
If you haven’t fell out and this is unusual for him, I’d assume there’s an unusual explanation 😕 hope you get in touch with him OP x

I'd be sending a follow up message simply saying that I loved my friend they clearly had something going on, I would always want to support them, but that I'll be here whenever they ready to talk or are feeling better and just want to pick up life with no questions. Whatever works for them, but I'm here, and care.

Honesty, I suspect he's going through something (could be ANYTHING) and you are over analysing this from your side. You rang him. If he doesn't get back to you, on the group chat, send a message saying "Oy, Dave, where are you? I tried ringing. Getting a bit worried - is everything okay?"

Depending on your friendship etc, you could add something like, "I know we keep it light on here but always happy to chat or just meet for a beer as a distraction" or similar.

Also, from experience with my oldest and dearest uni friend who is also a bit of a closed book.. the reality is that we've been friends for 30 odd years. She might not volunteer certain pieces of information but I do know that she values and appreciates that I care and show that. Otherwise she' dhave ditched me by now. So definitely tackle it directly and ask him if he's okay and tell him you're worried It doesn't need to be War & Peace in length and complexity.

You're a good friend.

I think I am overanalysing. We're big into film and have always peppered moments of our life with movie quotes, often quite obscure.

I was watching Toy Story with DS the other day and the main song lyrics got me with

"You've got troubles, I've got them too, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, we stick together we can see it through, cause you've got a friend in me"

I wanted to send that as a signal flare to say I'm here for you, but then thought it says 'I've got them too' might make him think 'hmm you think your problems are anywhere near as bad as mine?

Omfg no no no!

You've messaged them and their partner. You need to give them the help they want not the sort yu think they should want. The help they want is space.

They want space.

The Toy Story thing sounds vey cheesy and even if you do have a relationship based on lots of movie commentaries, I'd avoid that if you're not normally that sort of cheesy (to be honest, my DH could get away with it - he's known in his friendship group as the sappy one. A couple of the others could get away with it as a slightly cheesy jokey version. 2 couldn't do it without everyone else thinkin they'd lost their minds. If I sent that to any of my friends they'd think I was batshit crazy).

You're either over analysing because you know this man well and your antennae are up or because you've got your own issues. I couldn't say which. But I stick with my advice - send him a message. Keep it relatively light but be clear.

I think it's obvious that the sort of help your male friend wants is space

Which you appear DETERMINED not to give him

If you insist on one more attempt at contact, send another WhatsApp or Messenger message.

Please don't ring. That's so intrusive

Explain that anytime he needs you, to let you know and youll be available.

Then leave him be!

The Toy Story things as a whiff of homosexuality about it.

Do not send that.

I like the suggestion of the message about "oi, stranger, how are you? I'm getting worried about you." Or something to that effect. We all need time out occasionally but your other friend has confirmed they've not had contact either and that they're not aware of anything that could have caused offence. I think long term he'd appreciate hearing from you. How about " no pressure to reply but want you to know I'm thinking about you". I'd also consider contacting the partner again and offering help.

I messaged my friends partner 7th Jan after he didn't respond to group chat for over a fortnight. I then messaged 10th Jan to say hope he's ok, let me know if he needs anything. That was exactly a month ago.So it's not that I'm determined to not give space.

What period of time would you suggest before a second message that isn't considered intrusive? 2 months? 6 months? Never?

Sorry, I know I keep coming back but I don't understand - have you asked our FRIEND if everything is okay? You didn't hear from him so you assumed that his phone was broken, partner confirmed it wasn't. Then you went back to the partner to check if he was okay? Why haven't you done the "oy, what's up" message to HIM?

Yeah I've been thinking any light hearted or pop culture sentiment is lost on someone who's potentially in a dark place.

So the communication timeline has bascially been:

• Group chat without response from friend for 2 weeks

• I Whatsapp message friend partner - is friend phone working, he's not been active on chat for a while?

• Friend partner (same day response) - he's not been himself lately but also busy. Maybe try messaging him about something innocous

• I Whatsapp message friend direct (a few days later) - something innocuous, also hope everythings ok with you, here if you need anything

• Whatsapp message remains unread

• Whatsapp group chat continues as normal and at usual rate/usual topics. Friend not reading messages or commenting.

• A month passes, group message continues. The occasional tagging of friend on footy news. Messages still shown as unread by friend

• Me and other friend worried as 6 weeks and no response. Original whatsapp from me to friend direct still unread, but group chat messages for jan were read last week.

I think people shouting leave him be are being quite rude.

You are genuinely worried about a friend who has been in your life for 30 years, something has changed and it's worrying you, that's perfectly normal. You're not curtain twitching over your neighbours bins!

People harp on about mental health, suicide awareness etc and your friend has definitely closed himself off. Send the oi mate message and say you are genuinely worried about him. There's nothing wrong with that.

Okoay, so personally, if that was me, I'd be quite pissed off if I didn't respond in a group chat and my friend then went straight to my DH before even ASKING me if there was something wrong. I'd be thinking a whole bunch of things like,
"Does he think my DH is the boss of me?"
"Has it really not occured to him that I might be struggling? is his ONLY idea that I've got a new phone but I'm such an idiot I didn't notice I'd fallen off the group chat?"
"Wow, it didn't even cross his mind that I might be having issues with my DH and now he's gone to DH and made it worse."

Then, when the partner said he's not been himself.... you did nothing? Why on earth wouldn't you have texted a day or so later saying, "Dave, what's up - you're being unusuall quiet. All okay?"

It's a very very odd way for you to have approached it from the start and I suspect on some level you know that and that's why you're over analysing now.

Start fresh. Text him. Maybe add to my basic "oy dave" message with "Haven't really known whether to push or not, but I'm worried - what's going on?"

Can you bump into him out and about?
Does he have children?
Where does he work?
Are you in touch with any other friends or relatives of his?
Does he do eg sport every week, a regular hobby?

Finally, I know it’s 99.99% not this, but just in case, are you worried if he’s alive or not?

Touchy! 🤣

I'd suggest final message today