Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

The 3 of us are all male. My best friends partner is female. I posted my concerns a few weeks ago (after just over a month of no contact) and had 1 reply. I kept the genders vague as I thought I might get more support and because the genders aren't really a factor in the overall situation (other than the fact guys are less communicative on their feelings).

I would send a bunch of flowers to her house. With a simple note saying something like

”Dear Friend, just wanted to say that I hope all is ok with you. I miss chatting to you. Please know that I am here if you need anything. Lots of love from Demi85.”

Its a kind gesture but respecting the fact that she wants space right now.

*Just seen your update that you are all male - replace flowers with something else suitable!

A card in the post.

Hi Brian,

Hope you're ok. I've been worried about you.

Give us a call if you fancy going out for a pint!

Derek.

......

Let's hope he's not under the patio and the wife is fobbing you off.

That's strange isn't it? I think I'd pop by with cakes and check on him. It's the only way you'll find out.

They are men. 😂

Haha yes I wrote my message at the same time as OP dropped that info in!

Okay, but I think the genders ARE actually relevant because while we'd all like to think that we're all the same, we're not.

DH has a group of friends with a similar sort of whatsapp group chat that has been going on for years and years. At various times, there have been this sort of issue. The reasons (that I'm aware of) have included:

1 One of the men having an affair. That really knocked things for a long time, made more complicated because the wives are friends too (albeit not as close).

2 One of the men being a bit odd and flakey during significant physical and mental health issues. Same man tends to disappear when work gets him very stressed out.

3 One of them turned out to be an addict and disappeared completely for a while. When he reappeared, he'd been fired from his job, his wife was divorcing him etc. It was a really fraught period for the group but they worked through it and, if anything, their friendship is even stronger. I even like the addict guy now and for a while I wouldn't have poured water on him if he was on fire.

4 this one happens now and again - one of them will say something that someone else takes umbrage to. Usually there will be silence for a while, then a brief argument, then they all move on. But these are a group of 6 men, 5 of whom are mediterranean! So it can be volatile!

We have never had any issues where the wives are irritated/upset about the group chat, but I can 100% also see this as something that COULD be irritating. And certainly in the early days of this chat, there were times when I'd have to remind DH that actually, we were about to do something with DS so bantering with his buddies needed to slow down. it was never a particularly big deal however. But I have seen lots of owmen on MN get really frustrated because theor partners are constantly in chats with their friends, or gaming online, and not engaging woith them. x1000 if they have small children or a new baby or whatever.

OP, I also wouldn't just stay silent. I'd be very worried about my friend. If you're lifelong close pals she will know this is coming from a good place even if she's not got the energy to be in touch.
Send her a message or a voice note saying that you're worried something is wrong. That you hope she's ok. Would they like to meet for a coffee? Does she need anything? If not, you're here for them anytime etc.
Try to make an appointment for a phone call? See what happens. I think just one message is six weeks isn't over loading. You've given her loads of space - now you're worried

I would possibly write him a letter and maybe start it with something like "I might have got things completely wrong and be about to totally embarrass myself here (in which case lets never speak of this again!) but I'm just a bit concerned and wanted you to know that I'm here. No pressure". And then leave it alone.

Like Trevor Jordache. Totally showing my age.

Good 'experiment' OP.. my previous answer would be the same. No harm in checking on a mate, male or female in the same way. Men are more reluctant to get involved.. a quick 'all good mate' response would be all that is needed to put your mind a little at rest. Its refreshing to hear that a male friend is checking up and worried about another male friend!

Thanks for the advice. We don't usually give each other gifts and I suspect any offering would force my friend to explain the gift to his partner, which would give him more of a headache if he's trying to pretend everything is ok.

I'm leaning towards phoning him at lunchtime. I'm not easily offended so if I was told to f* off I feel like I'd be in a better situation than I find myself in right now.

It's not an experiment. I genuinely need advice as I have nobody to turn to in rl. I've managed to carrying on as normal thse past weeks as my daily routine occupies most of my thinking time. However, DC were at parties all day yesterday and it's all I could think about. I had this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day and it only went away when I reading bedtime stories to my DS. I feel I need to do something as I feel completely useless and have known him longer than anyone.

Why did you go straight to his partner after you'd only sent him one direct message? In a group chat, surely there would have been a few moments over the 6 weeks where one of you would have said, "Dave, hey, why the silence. what's goign on?"

I think ringing him is fine. But I also think that a few more casual comments in the group chat over the 6 weeks would have made more sense.

Apologies, I was too flippant, I understand its not an experiment but on the mumsnet forum it is automatically assumed its a female poster about a female friend. Go with your gut and don't give up trying to check up on your friend.

Now I know you're blokes I'd say you're right to make more effort actually. Men don't always communicate when they're struggling and the consequences can be pretty serious. Not trying to scaremonger there but I do think if I had a male friend who'd gone AWOL I'd probably go a step further to make sure they were ok and knew I was there for them.

I went to his partner after a week of no replies from him. This included me tagging him about recent news on his football team. The messages showed as delivered and unread, so I messaged his partner to check that his phone is working. We then conitnued messaging the group chat as normal.

All the messages for over a month were unread up until about a week ago. In the past week he's read the messages on two occasions both times in the early hours of the morning. Again if he was busy or just a little off there'd be some kind of interaction (i.e. putting an emoji face on a message, or a simple haha response to any number of messages).

I'd be worried if I were you OP. Without wanting to sound alarmist, men often find it difficult to open up to their friends when they are experiencing MH problems which presumably contributes to the suicide rate being higher in men than women. I would give him a call and be honest, tell him you are a bit worried about him and ask him if he's ok. Good luck xx

Thanks that means a lot. Although my friend is emotionally quite a closed book he's always quick to help others if they need it. I'm just getting progressively annoyed thinking I'm failing as a friend when he clearly needs help, but would rather let something eat him up than reach out for help.

Id go. Because if you phone and no answer you still don't know more. If he shuts the door in your face at least you'll get some clarity.

Alternatively perhaps he'll hide and pretend to not be in.

My advice would be send a nice card in the post with a short message along the lines of "I haven't heard from you for ages and I'm worried, really hope you're ok, I'm here if you need a chat..."

Much more personal and thoughtful than an electronic message and it might encourage her to open up, or at least she'll know you're thinking of her.

Sorry, he and him, not she and her.

The gut feeling must be for a reason, surely?
I’d give him a call.
If he doesn’t answer, leave a quick voicemail explaining you’re worried, didn’t want to just drop in on him at home but you hope he’s okay.
I wish I had a friend like you.

I think it's lovely you care. I'd start by giving him a ring or sending a card, maybe chat to mutual friend first separately if you haven't already

I think at this point you have nothing to lose by going to his house so I would do that.