Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

I'd go to her house and knock on the door with a gift and ask how she is and tell her I've missed her and I'm worried

I am currently ignoring someone for the same reason. The constant daily messages have become boring and overwhelming. I am completely drained and need a complete break. I'd leave them and give them space. It's too full on.

Try this??

"hey. I've not heard from you for a while. Just wanted to check you're okay... Or if I've done something to upset you? I feel you're maybe not ready to talk at the moment? I'll leave it with you but you know where I am if you need anything x"

I'd then just leave it at that for her to reach out when she's ready.

If you haven't done anything wrong they will usually at least want you to know that you haven't and let you know.

I don't want to be rude but maybe they don't have a problem. Maybe you and your friend are the problem. You said they aren't regularly reading their phone. Perhaps he's had enough of constantly being on his phone every night responding to chats that aren't important. I know a lot of people that are actively trying not to be on their phones.

Unless something else has happened? My parents completely cut off a long term friend after he got sentenced to prison. He kept trying to keep the friendship going but they kept ignoring. He even turned up at the house too. Sorry i just think perhaps he is deliberately fed up with all the messages. It doesn't always have to be a mental health crisis.

I think you’re a great friend. You’ve been supportive without being overbearing.
My DH went through a MH crisis and although friends reached out during, afterwards they had kind of just given up and now they have a very loose friendship.
I feel that after 30 years of friendship and in a small town, it’s not likely he is just going to ghost you over something that’s been said and he would probably say what it is. It’s more likely that he is shutting himself off to the world but he will know from you reaching out that you are there when he is ready.
Reading your WhatsApp groups at 2am could be him coming round. Maybe awake and in a dark place, opens them up knowing they will be light hearted and probably just what he needed in that moment.
I wish you all the best and hope he makes contact soon.

You sound like a lovely friend. You're doing all the right things. Don't give up on them, even if they need space, be there when they're ready to return.

@Demi85 You seem like a great friend. I think you should keep doing what you are doing, keep in touch regularly, but not too often.

I was once that friend that did not answer my phone, and did not answer any messages. I was going through some mental health issues at the time. I had support from my family, but for some reason I could not handle being in touch with my friends during that period.

I am so grateful that my best friends did not give up on me! They kept sending messages to me, like twice a month, just to check in on me. One of my friends sent me some lovely postcards. '
I'm feeling better now, I am back to my old self, and I'm so very grateful that I still have my friends.

I hope everything will work out, for your friend and for you. I wish you all the best.

I'd send a card,

Hi, thinking of you, nit sure what's up but want you to know I'm here if I can help.

Concerned that there's something wrong but I understand if you don't want to discuss it. We could always meet and chat about random stuff, no pressure.

On the off-chance I've upset you in sone way, I'm.very sorry and I'd like to apologise.

Live from your friend
Demi85

OP, not sure if this helps, and I'll keep the details vague as I have no wish to have any information that could imply it were them if they were reading this.

I have a friend who dropped off the radar almost 2 years ago. We are not as close as you and your friends, so it took longer for me to register that I'd not heard anything. They don't live that close to me and we're not in the habit of long phone calls, but I'd had no responses to cards, emails, texts, etc.
As I wasn't getting anywhere I backed off.
I do keep in contact with their mum and heard from her at Christmas to say that friend's eldest child had been unwell with an ongoing issue which is still under investigation and that friend had had a breakdown, although was now in recovery.
I sent a quick text to my friend last week just to say hi, and that I'd heard from their mum they'd not been well, so no pressure to be in touch, just that I was around if needed. I've now had a reply with an update and we're easing things gradually back to where they were.
Things still are not great for them, but they are now in a better headspace to deal with them.

All is not always what it seems. Friendship groups are a mixed bag. You never really know what were getting. How proud I was to make friends in my new area, to get into grouos where my kids made friends. Inviting friends to out house, special events. But theres an Evil undercurrent where friends are eyeing up each others parners , causing confusion. We must not be naive in Life and think we know whats going on. Or not hoing on.People avoid us because theyre hiding something.......

Whaaaat?! Imagine your own close friends of many years. You would seriously ‘back off’ after one text being ignored? OP you’ve been very restrained indeed and its time to send another message, privately saying you hope everythings ok and letting them know youre there. I’d ask if you can meet too!

Can you send some flowers or a little gift and say that you are thinking of them?

Is her relationship with her partner ok? Has there ever been any evidence/hint of DV or coercive control?

I think it might send another message to his partner asking for her advice on it- say you’re worried, have been trying to contact him etc and that you are happy to back off if that’s what he needs but would like her advice on whether she thinks you should persist or give him some space.

No real advice op but just wanted to say I wish my DH had a mate like you. Don't stop caring

Why are you even asking this on here? If it’s your close friend then go to their house and find out what’s going on!! 🙄

I would keep to your plan not to contact him directly again, for a while, but drop off dc present as you normally would. What I would continue as usual, is the group chat with the other friend, about things which have always been of mutual interest, tagging your friend if relevant, whether they’re read or unread for ages, so it makes it easy for him to join in again when he wants and feels able to, even if just with an emoji.

OP did you hear back from your friend?

I'm absolutely in the camp of trying to make sure he is OK. Even if he is busy, stressed about something etc, surely one single message to you to say "I'm OK don't worry, just got a lot on" would have been sent by now? It takes a few seconds, literally.

If it were me I'd just message him saying "I am really worried about you mate, please can you drop me a message to let me know you're OK?"

The worst that is going to happen is he will be irritated at being "pestered" (you're not pestering), and not answer you - but he isn't answering you anyway!

At best he will realise you are actually worried and hopefully want to put your mind at rest!

If you haven't heard from her or her partner in 6 weeks and your concerned, just go round. Be honest, say you wanted to check they were okay as couldn't get hold of them on the phone.

OP please be more forceful, we know the statistics of male suicide and if partner has said he is not himself and he is actively not responding, go round and see him. Tell him if he needs to talk or is worried about something you are there for him. Find a local men’s mental health group and pass on the details to him.

sounds very concerning to me. Good luck x

If nothing has obviously happened between the two of you then I wouldn't leave it.

She could be the victim of DV and needs to talk?

This is such a weird comment.

You sound like a really nice guy. I hope your friend is okay and you get some answers soon.

I think you should call to his house. You’re friends for 30 years! But also when you speak to him don’t look for info just tell him you hope he’s ok and is there anything you can do.
question: why do you think his wife has the “patience of a saint “?

Because clearly she wants to be left alone currently! Respect that this is what she wants. She knows how to contact you and I’m sure she will in time! Maybe she’s just got fed up of the daily WhatsApp messaging, to be honest you’re adults and there is no need to message each other daily, my closest friends and I message maybe once a week at most!