Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

The messages are all realy light hearted.

Looking back over the month before he went non contact it's mainly football, some movie memes and me posting pictures of my whiteboard at work (as someone keeps breaking into my office and drawing cocks on the board. We've dubbed the mystery person 'wanksy').

But nothing degrading about partners or tops that you might consider triggering. His parter is very chill herself and has the patience of a saint.

If someone goes AWOL out of character for that long and is not responding, chances are something very serious has happened that is totally occupying their mind and time AND they aren't ready to discuss is or don't want to discuss it or don't want to discuss it by text. Most likely candidates are in respect of themseleves or someone very close to them (parent, child, brother or sister, spouse):

-serious illness diagnosis that will be life limiting
-terminal illness diagnosis and an end of life situation
-bereavement
-major crisis of similar severity like bankruptcy or arrest/charge with serious criminal offence.

someone who is 'just very busy' with work or whatever over that length of time would let you know so the silence suggests its something they can't face or don't want to put in texts.

If it's a very good fried as you say, don't pester but don't give up. Call them to speak to them.

If it's not an ultra close friendship (Iknow what you say about the Whatapp daily texting but it doesn't necessary mean its ultra close, you can text every day about trivia) then I'd send the message someone up thread suggested about being there for them if/when they wanted to talk.

You know what's wrong generally AND you also know your friend doesn't want to communicate further about it so what is your question here?

They're obviously not lying dead in a ditch so leave them alone!

You can't force someone to talk to you, you are not entitled to know more than they are willing or able to tell you.

If he's struggling with something like depression there may not be a 'reason' for it. It's much easier to say you're worried about your mum's health or a downturn in business than to say you feel like crying everyday. (Even harder for men.) I think you are doing everything you can as a good friend and hopefully he'll get in touch soon. There are support services for men but I don't think you should suggest those to him (or his partner) unless he indicates he wants help.

If this was my friend I'd stop by their house.

You sound like a great friend, I hope you get some answers and your friend is okay!

Send her some flowers and a card, letting her know you are thinking of her and hoping she is ok x

You sound like an amazing friend.

I wish more men had close friends like you.

Definitely stop by in a couple of weeks.

Maybe check in that his partner is doing ok? I know you already messsaged her. I might check in again.

I would be described as a "closed book" by some friends and have been exactly where your friend is. In my case a close family member was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I had a whole lot on my plate and really no words to describe to people what was going on. I would suspect a similar life event is affecting your friend (and entirely possible their partner knows but had been briefed not to share with others)
Two things to consider (and apologise if it sounds harsh), firstly, in my experience the caring friends who are chasing you to see if you're OK are also the most "gossipy" friends who you don't really want to share with (as your very personal issue will become gossip fodder with wider social groups) I don't know if this is true for you obviously. But it may mean your friend is getting support from their partner/ other more reserved friends. In my case I had one very close and trusted friend who I confided in before I shared with wider friend groups.
Secondly, yes chasing for info, are you OK? Share with me what's going on etc etc is unhelpful and pressurising. As is turning up at their home/ bumping into them.
What could be nice is a gift/ card or just a text saying, "clearly you are going through something right now and you don't want to share with me. I totally understand and that's fine by me so I will not continue to contact you, but please know I care about you, wish you the best and look forward hopefully to a time when you feel you can reach out and when you're OK to catch up. When that happens I won't ask about what's happened unless you want me to as I understand it's private. "
This would be nice to receive to know a friend is not going to cut you off/ hate you just because you're having a hard time right now.

Regardless of the above you sound like a great friend and good luck. I hope it works out with your friend eventually.

The fact it's totally out of character makes me inclined to think that your friend is facing something very difficult like a cancer diagnosis. She may be trying to get her head around it and may not be ready to talk about it just yet. This would also explain why her partner is being vague.

I must be missing something. Apparently nowadays you can have lifelong friends yet find it alien to call them (I know you did this eventually OP) or leave a voicemail after making a call. You can message until the cows come home (old expression) but it can't replace a conversation if someone is acting out of character & they need support. A simple voicemail would at least say hope you are well & feel free to call me back for a chat anytime. They may not wish to speak but at least you've given them the opportunity then nothing to feel guilty about. There is only so much you can do, especially if someone isn't willing to communicate.

You sound like a true friend. I don't know you but thank you for being there for your friends.

Hopefully it's not mental health but statistically men don't talk about mental health. They get in a bad place and are more likely to make poor choices.

Look up things like Andy's Man club just in case so you can offer to go somewhere together if he needs support

This is what I'd do as well.

Putting myself in your shoes, I'd personally think a 30 year friendship is worth more than "leave her alone". I think you deserve better than that.
I think I'd send something broadly similar to what is above.
"Hi Whoever, I'm concerned that I haven't heard from you in so long. I'm worried about you and hope you're okay. Please know that I'm thinking of you, and if you need anything then let me know."

I’ve stepped back from a good friend who wasn’t actually being a good friend. The person never double checked or called. As he is male I would say it’s more unusual to do this. I think possible mental health struggle but wouldn’t his wife say?

Just reading all your messages makes me wonder if he felt that you were too dependent on him. Perhaps he felt the need to reduce the contact but has gone no contact and now feels it is too awkward / embarrassed to go back on line. It’s such a shame coz u have so much history.

I do hope your friend is ok. You seem like a good friend.

Could you maybe reach out to his DW again? Tell her youre both really worried?

I wonder if someone has said something about you?

Speaking from the perspective of someone who suffers with anxiety and depression and has had a breakdown in past where I was a hair breadths away from admitting myself. I could go out and about, but would avoid as much conversation as humanly possible and completely withdrew from friends and family other than my hubby and kids (and even then that was hard to manage at times) I wouldn't push matters too much as my MIL tried that and it ended badly as it pushed me into a corner. I would send her a brief message just saying if there's anything she ever wants to chat about you are there but if you need space I will respect that too. I found others tried to 'fix' me which actually made my self image and guilt worse. Once I got over the worse of it I started reaching out again, once I felt I wasn't being a Debbie downer and wasn't socially anxious 24/7.

Hi op,

a nice message such as.

« Hi, I feel it has been weeks we haven’t’ spoken and I hope you and your close ones are fine. Please let me know if you need anything, I am here for you. Love, your friend. »

then leave it alone.

that is of course if there is no concern for her safety. If you have concern for her safety, it is very different.

Good luck 🌺

Could she be pregnant and feeling dreadful, not wanting to tell anyone yet but also feeling so grim that any contact may give it away!

Sometimes depression or anxiety or something like that can just mean that people find little tasks like a wattsapp chat completely overwhelming. And it might not even be triggered by a specific thing. Just message him and his partner saying you hope they are ok, you miss him and you are there to listen if he ever needs someone to talk to. Your friend may or may not have mental health issues we just don’t know. Matt haig has written a book “how to stay alive” that explains how severe and incapacitating it can be. It definitely opened my eyes up to what it can be like. Hope it all works out for you.

A few things spring to mind that may have happened
1, Major illness diagnosis.
2, Miscarriage
3, traumatic incident.
4, there are financial problems.
5, incident involving the Police.

1. Marriage problems.

Perhaps they don't feel able to share what is happening at the moment.

Wanksy is excellent! I think you’ve done what you can but I’d be so worried too. Your plan to drop round with presents is good. Can you maybe also call his partner?

Ring them and also go to their house, just knock and ask if they're ok. This has happened to me before and my friend was very depressed and not replying to anyone, it turned out. In the end he appreciated the support. You could also contact people you have in common e.g. if you know their sibling/parent/mutual friends, just say "I haven't heard from XXX in a while, are they ok?"