Friend ignoring me WWYD

[Demi85]

I have two close friends that I've talked to almost daily over WhatsApp for as long as I can remember (1 friend is local to me the other lives at the other end of the country).

The friend local to me has not messaged our group chat for 6 weeks now. I've tried messaging them seperately to ask if they're ok. I've messaged their partner who is also being met with a wall of silence. I've tried to engineer a way of bumping into them without success. I'm really worried about their well being but don't know what to do next.

If my friend wanted to maintain a pretense everything was ok it would be easy to do as our group chat has always been light hearted and daft. But no contact in 6 weeks, there' clearly something wrong.

WWYD next if you were in my position? Appreciate any advice.

Then, when the partner said he's not been himself.... you did nothing? Why on earth wouldn't you have texted a day or so later saying, "Dave, what's up - you're being unusuall quiet. All okay?"

I got the impression the OP did message a few days later though.

Wanted to delete my post now I've read all the messages but of course I can't

You sound like a really great friend tbh, a lot of people would love to have someone there for them in that way.

Do you have any other mutual friends with him or his partner who may know more about it?

Its not unusual for me to text friends partner on occasion. For example, quite often I'm like 'friend its your DC birthday in 2 weeks any ideas on what I should buy them?'. Usually he looks and forgets to respond so I text friend partner for ideas to ensure DC gets a present on time. Then a while later I get a reply from friend along the lines of 'sorry meant to respond but see partner gave you ideas'

Similarly friend has messaged my DW back and forth on stuff to do with house, or DC presents/other. We're not precious or easily offended about contacting each others partners.

Also I did message friend a few days after finding out he'd not been himself. Maybe 2 or 3 days later but his partner didn't say I'd been in touch so an immediate message vs one 3 days later is neither here nor there.

I do like the approach of a nonchalant 'hey friend, not heard from you in a while, I'm worried, everything ok....'

I would be stalking them by now, trying to see if I can see them outside their house, I would be really worried if its so out of character. I admire your patience and sensitivity OP. Have you spoken to the other friend on the chat (off the group chat) and do they have any thoughts on what might be going on?

It's difficult to bump into him socially as no fixed hobbies and he moves around daily with work (works for himself).

I've done a few school drop offs recently in the hope that he might be doing one but had no joy there.

I know some relatives but have avoided asking them. I'm worried if I did they would then quiz him and then he'd get angry at me making public something is up. I've only talkerd to our other best friend and my DW but with strict instructions DW doesn't say anything (she bumps into his partner usully once a week).

Defo alive as small town and fast travelling news etc.

Very strange and on the face of it not being fair to you to completely ghost you. What about your mental health? Whatever’s going on is a 30-second message, one way or another, too much to ask after 30 years of friendship?!^^

What work does he do, could you or someone you know hire him?

Unfortunately if he hasn't divulged to his partner, our other best friend or myself there's an almost zero chance anyone else will know what's up. He has a group of casual drinking buddies who are alot older but they're more of a 'good for a pint and banter but wouldn't trust them with as far as could throw them' type. As friendly and social as my friend is they don't tend to display emotion and I suspect likes private things to remain private.

I rang my other friend up last night and talked in length. Other friend feels a bit helpless as other end of the country and has their own struggles with family life and no local support network. So I'm trying to not burden other friend too much. They suspect similar to me that perhaps a mental health crisis but it's pure speculation as it's so out of character and never had so much as a falling out with friend in over 30 years.

@Demi85

Because the female instinct might be to keep 'supporting' a silent friend by messaging or what have you, I asked my DH (who's a pretty level headed guy) what he thought. Based on what my DH had to say, it may be time to let this go. Send a final message along the lines of "Here for you mate, let me know if there's anything I can do" (don't ask him what's going on) then leave him be.

DH said his first thought was that your friend was done with the group for some reason or other and it wouldn't necessarily be because someone had said anything 'wrong'. DH pretty much said "sometimes shit happens with mates and we never know why".

It's hard to let a long time friendship go, but he knows how to get in touch if and when he wants to.

I have a friend of nearly 40 years standing albeit with a gap in contact of about 15 years. We were messaging back and forth one day then I got some news I wasn't expecting. I didn't want to share because of not wanting their thoughts and I wasn't going to lie by pretending all was okay, and we didn't talk for over six months. Neither of us messaged the other until one of us did.

Just back off. The only other option is a hand written card where you say you hope she's okay, you're here to listen, support, or help if necessary but you'll wait for her to come to you as don't want her to feel pressured.

Then wait.

These are very different examples though! I have a very close friend who also regularly texts my DH. But they have stuff in common. If a friend of DH's texted me about presents for the DC, I'd be annoyed and tell DH that he needs to step up.

Either way, it doesn't matter. ou just have to send some messages now and actually put that direct effort in.

I'd think she was unwell( perhaps MH related) as partner said she wasn't herself
When I had major depressive episodes, I couldn't face the world. Literally had no thoughts in my head and couldn't even think of a reply
I would message back and say I'm thinking of you so please do contact when you feel up to it. and leave it.
Don't ring because she might well ignore the call.

I apologise. Just reread that you're guys.
The same applies

It's frustrating when crucial information is left out. I would have replied differently if I'd known for one.

I find it hard to think it's being done with us though. its' the only friendship we've all maintained throughout life and none of us have any friends we are closer to. Also not to sound big headed be all absolutely crack each other up, literally all the same wavelength. His partner has commented in the past at being annoyed he doesn't laugh as much with her as does with us (and also she wished she had a friend she was as close to).

But I am aware you can't force someone to talk he doesn't want to. I'll fashion a not too intrusive 'hope you're ok, here for you if you want to talk' message and leave it at that. I would take anything back at this stage, even a simple like up would feel like the most amazing response.

My apologies but I explained upthread that I posted about his a few weeks ago, at a similar time in the week, and got 1 response. I probably should have bumped the thread but opted to try and word it more succinctly and keep it non gender specific.

If it were soap land, you and the other significant men in his life would show up at his house mob handed, take him to the woods, light a fire and announce "what goes on in man club stays in man club", and you are all staying there until it is worked through, then all bare your souls and have a good cry.

Meanwhile back in reality where kidnapping is illegal, there isn't much you can do beyond a message to say it is very out a character for him to go so quiet, you are very worried he is struggling with something, and you are there if he needs someone to take a walk with and talk to and whatever is discussed won't go any further. You appreciate he might want space to deal with whatever is going on, but if he needs you you are available for him and to just call, day or night.

Then leave him be.

I definitely don't think you need to take the silence as anything to do with you. I would read it as this guy has problems, quite likely mh related, and isn't doing too well right now.

Could there be DV involved?

Edit: swap all the she's for he's - I didn't realise it was a guy you were talking about.

I disagree with most of the posts here. I don't think you should leave it.

I recently read a Reddit thread where people were talking about how during a mental health crisis, there were friends who send a "I'm here if you need me" message and those that actually acted and visited or called. It gave a much more powerful message to that person, and even if - as some of them said - they reacted negatively in the moment, they all appreciated the contact and in some cases it gave them the impetus and confidence to actually address what was going on.

I think I would call, under the expectation that I would leave a VM for them (or you could do a VM on WhatsApp) saying that you will leave her alone for as long as she wants, but that you love her and will always be there, even if it's a while before she feels able to talk. Say your door is open, and if you can help, you will, she only has to ask.

THEN I would leave the ball in her court.

Of course you think it's hard, it IS hard, but you have to realize this isn't about you, nor the others in the group. This is solely about your friend and what he wants. And what he wants is privacy. And the best thing you can do is give it to him (which you are) but also that the friendship group stop discussing him beyond "Have you heard from 'Jim'?". No speculating, no rehashing. No gossip.

I'm going to give you an incident in my life that's 'the same but different'. I also had a friend who I considered to be a sister. We'd been friends since Jr High. The day I found out I was expecting my first child was the same day she found out she'd never be able to have children. When I called her with my happy news all she said was "I cannot talk to you now" and she put the phone down. I couldn't figure out what I'd done 'wrong'. But the truth was I hadn't done anything wrong. She just needed time to get her head together. She called me about 3 months later and we were able to 'talk it out'. If something has happened in your friend's life the best you can do is give him time and space.

Another word of advice, if he does 'surface' don't ask questions. He'll let you know if he wants to talk. At first my friend just picked up the thread of our friendship and I asked no questions. It was a couple of weeks later that she brought up her devastating news and we were able to talk things out. So just "good to see you, mate" and carry on.

Definitely not. He’s not like that for one and his partner wouldn’t tolerate that for one second.

I was thinking it was possibly the other way around?