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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fostering my Grandchild

297 replies

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

OP posts:
Biffbaff · 09/02/2025 18:10

I would. Even if it was difficult, I couldn't live with the alternative. Good on you for doing this.

Dolphinnoises · 09/02/2025 18:11

Plenty of people have their own babies at 41. You are doing a brilliant thing.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 09/02/2025 18:16

I would in an instant. I've seen several negative adoptions, the myth that it's better for the child with some dream like ending isn't something I can buy into. I'd want to know I was there to ensure as much as possible a positive upbringing. If you can afford it and are able to do it, and most importantly want to, then it's no one's business but yours. 41 is young. Many women are having their first at 41.

campingwidow · 09/02/2025 18:17

My husband ended up being brought up by his grandparents, they were 44 when he was born. Best thing that could have happened to him. Mum is still unreliable (even at 54) but they're still with us and now amazing great grandparents to our children at 82.
What a gift you can give a child of a loving, secure home.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 09/02/2025 18:17

I think what you are doing is amazing and (slightly contradictory) surely everyone would in the same position.

I get that it will be hard and you didn’t choose it, but you’re only 41! Most of my colleagues are having their own first children at 41!

Why are you ”giving up your life” and taking redundancy? Is that some kind of condition of fostering? I’m just curious as to why it wouldn’t work the same way as someone having their own kids at that age.

Thedogscollar · 09/02/2025 18:18

I absolutely would in a heartbeat.
My grandson is 3 yrs old I absolutely adore him and have from our first meeting.

I appreciate everyone has different circumstances and some think the child may have a better life with adopted parents.

You sound very loving and your grandson and his parents are lucky to have you. In offering this your gc can still maintain contact with his parents.

NormasArse · 09/02/2025 18:19

Of course!

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 09/02/2025 18:19

I'd do exactly what you're doing, and keep the baby in a loving home with his family. I think it's great that you're doing this.

Iloveeverycat · 09/02/2025 18:19

I would do it without a second thought.

indecisivewoman81 · 09/02/2025 18:20

I would and I think it's totally the right decision.

People have babies still way into their 40s so I don't think you are too old.

I work with children in care and the stories are sometimes heartbreaking.

Good for you

Bristolinfeb · 09/02/2025 18:20

I’m slightly older than you and my children have just started school so if I was in the same position I would be 55 which I think woulf make a big difference. Being 70 with a 15 yr old wouldn’t be great.

myplace · 09/02/2025 18:21

It’s the right thing to do. It’s what I would do. Especially as the baby is so young. You’ll be ok, though you need to get the finances right with the local authority. They’ll likely want to withdraw financial support and go for special guardianship.

So check your work situation , make sure you can’t take parental leave instead, then return to work. You may prefer that.

CarpetKnees · 09/02/2025 18:22

I suspect people are rather clumsily saying "Blimey, I'm not sure I'd have the energy to start again with a baby once all my dc are grown up". I'd agree - the idea of having a tiny baby to look after now, let alone a toddler in 2 years, then an child, and teen as I get older still - would fill me with dread.

Of course, if I were actually in the situation you are, then that is different. You have a bond with your Grandchild and are making a choice between bringing them up yourself or losing them through adoption. I suspect, in those circumstances lots of people (most?) would make a different choice from a theoretical one when it doesn't actually affect them.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 18:22

Nobody can really say what they would do in any situation but I think its unlikely i would do it

Funykeudfh · 09/02/2025 18:22

Biffbaff · 09/02/2025 18:10

I would. Even if it was difficult, I couldn't live with the alternative. Good on you for doing this.

Ditto! Do you have to give up work entirely though? Is it not just like having a normal child where they can still do a bit of nursery and you can work part time? Or does that not apply because the fostering is then your 'job'? I'm not sure of the set up but 100% I would do this yes.

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:23

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 09/02/2025 18:17

I think what you are doing is amazing and (slightly contradictory) surely everyone would in the same position.

I get that it will be hard and you didn’t choose it, but you’re only 41! Most of my colleagues are having their own first children at 41!

Why are you ”giving up your life” and taking redundancy? Is that some kind of condition of fostering? I’m just curious as to why it wouldn’t work the same way as someone having their own kids at that age.

Basically right in the middle of the assessments my work started getting rid of people and my job became less secure . Hours were being cut and I worked in retail so shifts were literally anything from 7am till 10pm and as there was gonna be less staff , it was looking more likely that we had to be more fully flexible than ever and with training courses Im going to have to do and all the contact arrangements I felt I was going to be less available than they wanted me to be so I felt I should take redundancy and then in a year or so when everything is more settled , everyone knows what’s happening I would get another job . Money isn’t important to me . Keeping him in the family was my priority .

OP posts:
MioDioMio · 09/02/2025 18:23

Your social worker should be able to liaise with your local authority to help you access funded childcare from when the LO is 9months old. You could go back to work then if you’d anted to.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 09/02/2025 18:23

I thought you were going to say you were in your 60s or older, not 41! You're plenty young enough to foster your grandchild but make sure you get the financial support that any other foster carer would, if you can do.
I understand taking redundancy but you need to think longer term about your own financial situation and retirement. If there's a policy that the main foster carer doesn't work outside the home, you should be receiving the same pay / financial support that anyone else fostering the baby would get.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/02/2025 18:24

I'd do it too. Some of my in-laws foster babies so I know babies and young children can have a very positive foster experience, but I'd move heaven and earth for my grandchildren.

Good luck.

DoYouReally · 09/02/2025 18:24

Your grandchild is very lucky to have you.
It's a very selfless thing to do and I would like to think most people would do the same.

TuesdayRubies · 09/02/2025 18:25

I would definitely do the same OP. I'm sure it's the right decision. Good luck with it all Flowers

BrightLightTonight · 09/02/2025 18:25

It depends if you are doing it because “you have to” or if because you love him and want to.

For the former, as he grows older he will know, for the latter, good for you.

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2025 18:26

Would I do it? Probably. Would I be happy about it? No. Would I give up my job to do it? No. Would I give up my life to do it? Also no.
I’ve not given up my life to raise my current children I’d be damned if id do it for a grandchild.

ThePoshUns · 09/02/2025 18:27

I'd do the exact same in your position. You're making a huge difference to that child's life.

Mummyratbag · 09/02/2025 18:27

I would and I'm older than you. I had my youngest at 42.