Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

Absolutely would. 💯. My main concern would be the reason fostering is needed. Is adoption expected or is the aim to reunite with parents?
If the family situation is dangerous or dubious in anyway then POSSIBLY it might be better for the child to be well away with another family.
Are you prepared to put the needs of the baby over the needs of your child if there is a conflict? Ie if you need to cut contact with your child to protect the baby, would you do that?

I think what you’re doing is amazing. I would do the same for my son in a heartbeat do I understand your decision. Kids are, in my opinion always best placed in the family. At 40 you’re young and may be able to return to work if you want to. I wish you the best of luck. Xx

I absolutely would do it, but feeling as daunted as you. I help a lot with my DGD and it is wonderful, but extremely hard work. But this is what families do. And it will bring its own new and positive slant on life.

Yes, I would take in a young family member rather than let them enter the foster system.

If adoption is an option, I would want to adopt, not be a foster parent. a child deserves a stable life, not having parents who can’t get their act together to provide day to day parenting and want to pop in when it is convenient.

It's always messy when it gets to this point. There may be safeguarding reasons why contact isn't possible with the ok son. Children services need to see that a kinship carer can safeguard the child even when it's their own child. In this situation you literally have to pick a side and it's a no brainer to pick the child. Kinship care can be volatile with carers being abused by the birth parents. You need an iron will and an ability to stay totally focused on the child.

I was brought up by my grandparents (my mum was 16 when I was born)

They decided to lie to me and say they were my parents which was horrendous when I found out. So I think it's important to be really honest with the child buy also at the same time absolutely be the 'parent'.

When your son/ daughter gets older and has other children it's really important that the child you adopt feels secure, happy and loved with you. Important that they know you chose them and love them.

So many people have their first baby at 41 these days so tge age thing isn't a problem.

You're fostering not adopting. Get informed about what that means. If parents sort their shit out they could try to take baby back gradually. That might be great news to give you a break or it might break your heart or a bit of both!

The people you are speaking to are devoid of emotion and, frankly, shits. If you have the means and health of course this is what you do.

These are extremely valid points for you to carefully consider op

Why are there issues around contact with your son? Have things happened which means that social services have said only limited contact is permitted?

Does the mother have a supportive family? What has been her family's attitude towards your GS?

Social services often won't allow family members to look after children who otherwise would be taken into care because they would just make the same mistakes that led to the parents being unable to parent.

I wish this were the case, but it really, really isn't my experience unfortunately with many children I've worked with.
I don't know if it varies in different parts of the country, but unfortunately far too many children end up being placed with relatives of the parents they have been taken away from, even though there are massive problems with their parenting skills too. I wish there were enough foster carers waiting for children so this didn't need to happen.

I admire you op and I'm saying that as someone who is in a similar position though it's my nephew and he's no longer a baby thankfully. As you say when asked to do it there didn't seem to be an alternative. It's not easy bit it is rewarding and in my case it almost had less stress cause I no longer had to worry if he was okay.

Hi OP
I think it's great for your family that you are able to do this. Just a word of warning under no circumstances allow yourself to be pushed into going for special guardianship as you will lose financial and other support.

I was in this position 2 years ago. I didn't pass the panel as DH is disabled and I'm his carer
Grandson is being fostered and cared for by his other grandparents and doing very well.
I look after him one day a week as well
I'd have raised him in a heartbeat if I'd been allowed

You're doing an amazing thing for your grandchild.

Hmm. My initial reaction was of course, 41 isn't old, plenty of women have babies at that age...but then most women having babies at 41 probably didn't start young and enjoyed child free younger years.

If you've had children young and then you bring up your grandchildren too, when will you ever have had a time in your life just for you?

So it wouldn't be an immediate yes for me.

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread. I have been in your shoes, albeit with an older child. Some stuff to think about. Most kinship carers find sorting contact with parents extremely stressful. Right now the parents may feel glad that their baby is with you and still in their lives, but that can change, and there may come a point where the needs/ wishes of the child and parents are not aligned. Secondly, social workers change, you may not always get the support you need. They can and should offer financial, practical and emotional support, but they won’t if they can get away with it. Don’t struggle, if you need stuff for the baby, tell them, and make sure you get Carers allowance from them. There is a really helpful charity called Kinship Care, they’ve been a lifeline for me. Thirdly, This will affect your relationship with your other children, but they may not realise that or be able to acknowledge it.Fourth, Sometimes you are going to feel pulled every which way. When that happens, see it as a sign that you need some self care and find a way to get it. Best of luck

A woman isn't devoid of emotion or a shit for not wanting to devote her entire life to bringing up children.

Im a social worker, It is literally the opposite in the vast majority of cases... First thing social workers do is assess for connected carers amoungest family members and friends before fostering and adoption..Sometimes there is t anyone appropriate within the family for the reasons you have stated but if a grand patent or other realtive had a positive connected caters assessment they would usually be the first choice

I would 100% take care of my GC rather than them leave the family.

If you read what I said, I just said they often won't approve them. Of course they consider them first. But they often say no.

If I can be really honest (I work in this field). Make sure you are his foster carer and not his kinship carer. This gives you more entitlement to support and financial assistance from the LA. It also means that he will have better access to school choices for him.
I hope it goes well x

I feel the same.

I don’t get the impression that OP has had these incredibly difficult and complex issues explained to her. It’s not just about feeling so much love and having a very supportive family. To be blunt, if it was as simple as that, what has gone so very wrong with OP’s son that he is not even allowed supervised contact?

I know this happens but equally often it doesn't. Grandparents are often turned down.