Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

I think what you're doing is amazing and I would do it in a heartbeat for my grandchild. Some people are just having kids at 41 - if you want to do this, go for it.

One thing you might not have considered is what happens if there are more children in the future

This would be my worry. I'm 38 and eldest ds is 17. I don't think I would do it. I know my limitations, I know myself and I know that in time I would feel huge resentment over the situation.

Ime being brought up by biological family is not a requirement for a happy life. As devastating as I imagine i'd find it, I think I would prefer the baby was adopted tbh. To be hopefully raised by loving parents in a secure environment and without the possibility of years of drama and upset with the irresponsible and useless bio parents popping up every few months or years and disrupting and confusing the poor kid.

Is there no real prospect of the parents continuing to care for the child with help and support from Social Care (and maybe yourselves too)?

I think you’re doing what needs to be done, I can’t imagine doing anything differently. It’s extremely difficult to step into a parenting role when you didn’t choose it, but it sounds like your own child is not capable of being a parent. I would be having a big conversation with them about contraception though - what are the chances of this happening again?

My friend has gone from two older kids, 16&14yrs to also now fostering a 9yr old who will be with them for the long term and adopting a baby she has fostered from birth and has only had her as a mum.
She's 46yrs. There is noway I would do it but she has a certain energy about her that makes her so much younger. She would 200% do what you are doing.

I'd do it in a heartbeat, my one and only Dc was born when I was 42 and we managed fine

In a heartbeat. Good luck with him xx

I think it's a lovely thing you're doing. As an abstract idea, I would personally absolutely dread doing the same.

If I was in your position, though, I think I'd do it too - I couldn't bear him to go into care if I could possibly avoid it. Good luck to you and your lovely grandson.

I was in this position when my grandchild was a few weeks old. I can't go into specifics but if I was to take my grandchild on I would have had to cut ties with my daughter. They had been accused of harming the baby. I was already a foster parent at the time and I set my heart on having gc with me . But in the end after lots of soul searching and so many tears I had to say it was better for them to be adopted and for them to have a fresh start with a family who could take care of them. It totally broke me.

The most important thing is what's best for baby. Not what you think you should do because they are family. Not how you feel. Only what's best for baby. Best of luck op x

I think the last 7 months have put my ds having any more kids . It’s been really stressful but I am totally not doing it for any glory or any praise coz that’s not who I am . I’m genuinely doing it for my Grandsons benefit coz our family adore him .

I really appreciate other people’s experiences coz I know it’s not going to be as rosy as I would like it to be . Thankfully we have a fantastic social worker who’s done her absolute best since day 1 . I can’t praise her enough but I know this might not always be the case .

I have spoken to them about the SGO coz I don’t want SS in my life for longer than I need too but the advice I’m being given from professionals is to keep him on a kinship order as long as I possibly can so I can have support with any contact issues .

I am a bit worried about how this will all affect my relationship with my own DS as I can’t see him outside of contact unless my GS is not in my care but this is the situation now . My DS is an adult now and he has support from my parents .

I am so happy to see so many other people would do this too or already do for their family . I genuinely believe I’m doing the right thing.

No need to not work again though, at the age of 41?

I know my parents would do the same if anything happened to me and DH.

It won’t be easy and it isn’t what you would have chosen, but I know someone who had another baby at 40 when they already had an 18 year old. You’re still young and there’s funded childcare from 9 months now if you’re working.

41 is not even considered old to have a baby of your own where I'm from. It's not like you are 61. I am a fair bit older than you and would absolutely do what you are doing. Well done 💐

In your position, yes, I'd want my son to go to his grandparents.

In my position, I wouldn't want my son to go any family I think, as a permanent solution.

Grandparents on one side too old (late 60s and 70s, and mid 60s already on the other). My sister would have him, but her husband has been violent towards her. My brother in law would have him but they have a rehomed rotweiller and they smoke.

I think I'd rather he were adopted in the circumstances - best case scenario with family, he'd be adopted by family who would be elderly when he was at university.

I will admit that I have 2 adopted children. I know people who took on their grandchildren as we ended up in the same special needs services - unfortunately a lot of children who can't live with their parents have suffered from pre and/or post natal mistreatment. Foetal alcohol or drug abuse for example.

My girls are in their mid 20s now. I know quite a few adopter friends whose adopted daughters have had babies who have subsequently been removed, so the cycle continues. Some have taken on the grandchild(ren), others haven't. Social services usually aren't happy for the mothers to continue to have unsupervised contact.

The ones who have taken the babies invariably find that these children have a lot of issues and get diagnosed with things like autism, speech and language disorder, adhd. They nearly all have sen.

Parenting little children born to parents who had any serious substance misuse, domestic violence etc can be extremely challenging - but very rewarding. Hopefully OP's grandchildren has escaped all that. But it is something to be aware of and ready to coppe with. I would suggest getting support from a kinship carer organisation and not assuming that everything will be like raising your own child xx

You likely wouldn't adopt a Grandchild, you'd get a Special Guardianship Order. This confers permenancy but without messing up what relationship the child is to other people. If they were adopted by a grandparent uncles would become brothers etc.

I'm in my kid 50s do older my children ,late 20's. To be honest not a chance l would ever do this. I would feel sad for my grandchildren but in no way am I going to be a mother again.

Different circumstances but I did for my nephews. They were both 5 at the time (but 10 years apart) which is so much more difficult than if they were babies in some ways. I won’t post too many details publicly but happy to answer any questions by private message.

My mum did it in her 50s, she's now mid 60s with a 10 year old. She got full guardianship for him, he's lived with her and my stepdad since 9 months old. My brother (his dad) has lived with them since he was 1 ish too.

She wouldn't have it any other way, but resents it at times. She had ideas of retiring abroad, that's not happening now. She kicks off at his dad once every couple of years and books a holiday without either of them, just needing a breather.

His dad acts more like his brother, even while now living in the same house (he's 27/28 now) and is very rarely a parental figure to him, other than coming in every now and again and trying to lay down the law. Mum parents in a very grandparent manner- not so many rules and lots of treats. Luckily he's a laid back kid anyway. Mum has been a parent since 17 herself, and she's always been a parent of an under 18 since then, so 45 years so far of active parenting, really she's over it!

You say there's tons of rules with fostering, if you don't think little one is going back to his parents, then have a look at the long term options to see what might suit you best. There's lots of rules now, but if you both settle well then our experience was SS pushed quickly for guardianship. This meant that the visits and rules for SS stopped literally overnight, but so did any financial support for the little one, and he was her full financial responsibility.

He has SEN.

Sorry if I've got any of these names wrong, it might not be special guardianship it's called, maybe something else, but it means that legally, she's his parent and her word goes.

If your youngest is 18 then surely your son is an adult... why is he not allowed contact with you whilst you have your grandson/his own son?
This actually sounds a bit messy, what has gone wrong with your own son that he can't be the main parent for his own child?
Would it not be better for him to have his child and you support him?
Do you think you are the right person to take this on op?

I didn't have my kids till 40s and they're all over 18 now, so I would really hate to be in your position at my age. One of mine had a termination 18 months ago, and though I wouid never put pressure on her, I was glad she made that decision. She just wasn't ready to be a parent - more mature now, but still not ready. But she will be one day, so if it does happen, I'd hope to be more the supportive mother helping my dd than the grandparent who had the full care.

Good luck to you OP. I do know people doing what you are doing, and mostly at a much older age than you are.

By the way, can you not take some leave from work, then use childcare like most people do?

You're giving your grandson the best start in life that you can, which is wonderful. It's going to be hard at times and I hope that you have other support (family/friends) who can help you.

One question if it's not too intrusive. Do you think that your son (the baby's father) will be more involved in parenting his son when he's older and more mature perhaps? I appreciate that you may not wish to share why he can't play more of a role at present.

I would yes, but I would be also considering family help so that I had some time for myself.
Are the other grandparents involved?
Could he stay sometime with them, if appropriate?
Do you have other family to help you with the odd bitof childcare? It would also help you with contact time for your DS.

I know this would take time and know your DGS must be settled before any of this.

I think this is amazing and def what I would do if sadly I faced the same decision. Please ensure you get lots of support from the LA as sadly I have seen so many placement break downs where we'll meaning family take in and foster a child and they then can't cope as child gets older and they end up in care which is much more damaging for them.

Good luck I think you are awesome

Are you truly this naive? Not being able to imagine a list of things that could have gone wrong?