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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fostering my Grandchild

297 replies

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 09/02/2025 18:44

No I don't think I would, make sure you actually want to do this op not because you think you should.

The proclamations of how wonderful ( you are BTW ) you are and praise will dry up soon after it's finalised and the reality will not feel so satisfying imo.

How do you think this will affect your own child's relationship with you also? It will undoubtedly change the dynamics and not always for the better.

I was a foster child, I'm quite aware of how complicated these situations can be, it's not all black and white and good deeds very much do go with a punishment unfortunately.

Good luck.

Nursingadvice · 09/02/2025 18:44

TRACKOK · 09/02/2025 18:41

41 is an insane age to be considered too old! My youngest will be 11 months when I turn 41 and I don't feel like I'm incapable of being her mum.
Honestly, ignore your friends and do what's right for your grandchild.

I think it’s such an individual thing. At 37, i definitely feel too old to have a baby and all my friends are the same. But we all have late primary or secondary aged kids so maybe that’s why (we’ve been run ragged for the last 10-25 years)

ElsieMc · 09/02/2025 18:44

I tòok on my two grandsons from babies. I was 40. This was 20 years ago and fostering was not an option put to me. SS supported what was then a residence order as this gave us PR. They were pushy about this. It was also clear that any request for financial assistance would be a negative against us. I hope times are kinder to you op.

I was asked about adoption, but their mother would then be their sister and I couldnt get my head round this.

We went on to apply for special guardianship as it was a stronger order. This was supported by SS and the courts. It was opposed by the dad of one of the boys. We ended upnot proceeding as we did not want the boys on different orders or statuses. As it turned out a residence order was sufficient.

I wont pretend it has been easy but not because of the children who are the innocent parties. It was the continual court cases brought by the violent thug who was the father of the eldest. It was a bad time, emotionally and financially.

Have you discussed the legalities with a family law practitioner op so you know where you stand? Whilst only you can decide, it will give you a clearer legal picture. DM me if you wish.

DragonFly98 · 09/02/2025 18:48

At this age? Am so confused this is equivalent to a 34 year old having a baby. Even if this a newborn grandchild you are still very much a parental age not a grandparent age. I opened this thread expecting you to be 60 plus.

Whinge · 09/02/2025 18:49

I know someone who has done this, and it's been incredibly difficult. One thing you might not have considered is what happens if there are more children in the future. The person I know feels immensely guilty that she has had to say no to caring for the additional siblings who have been born.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/02/2025 18:49

Why can your son, the child's father not be the main parent? Why are you being asked to foster?

Sassybooklover · 09/02/2025 18:49

I think for some people, it may depend on their age and financial situation. You're 41, but what if someone found themselves in your position at 61 or 71, their decision may be different. Later in life may mean someone is more financially secure but then age isn't on their side. The older you are, the harder it will be. I think what you're doing is amazing and selfless.

2025NewUserName · 09/02/2025 18:50

"But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted"

My children are severely disabled and people say this to me all the time. It's stupid because you do just do it, because you love them and you have to!

Skippydoodle · 09/02/2025 18:50

100% behind you. What a wonderful person you are.

PennyKitchen · 09/02/2025 18:50

I would do it. I don't think 41 is too old but I understand your hesitations. I'm 36 and I've inadvertently became a foster carer for my cousin's baby. It's a part time arrangement though I do sometimes think I've taken a step backwards in life as my own kids are all older and I didn't plan on caring for a baby again. However I love the child and I know it's for the best. I can't imagine putting my grandchildren through the alternative.

GoldFishPocketWatch · 09/02/2025 18:50

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

YANBU. Yes, I absolutely would. Especially actually as your DC are older as I think that would be less confusing than if they were similar ages.

People are saying you are an angel because you are doing something really wonderful for your grandchild. Being 41, even though you have older kids you're also in the age range where some people will have young kids similar age to your DGS.

You are making a real sacrifice to do the right thing by this child who has no one else there for them. That is a wonderful thing and I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

Addeline · 09/02/2025 18:53

My worry would be that my dc would do this again and again. But only you know if they’re irresponsible and that’s likely to happen. But otherwise, yes I probably would at your age. At 60, no.

Original poster
Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:54

Nursingadvice · 09/02/2025 18:42

I have thought about this many times since my oldest come of age. I would do it, but I fear I’d be resentful. I’m 37 and can not imagine going back to baby days. I feel like my life is finally becoming my own, I can’t imagine being tied down to school runs and stuff again, and not being able to go out when I want.
I know some people have babies at this age, but honestly it boggles my mind. I feel so old 😂 maybe because I had kids young and they have aged me beyond my years!

Before all this , I could’ve wrote this post word for word and part of me still has worries . I imagine like when anyone has a baby .

Even the other day someone asking me if I’m keeping my dog coz how will I cope when the dog wants a wee , I live in a flat at present and the baby is asleep . OMG I didn’t even think of that !!!

I might only be 41 but you don’t realise how much has changed over the years . Even the other day , my GS starting to be weaned and the rules surrounding bottle feeding when they are babies … honestly and with looked after children there are even more rules !
No weaning before 7 months , so at present he’s still on puree food . The rules surrounding a lot of things are different to when it’s your own child.
I have a lot of learning to do rather than just common sense coz what you was allowed to do 20 years ago with my oldest , it’s all changed especially when the child is classed as a looked after child.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 09/02/2025 18:54

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2025 18:26

Would I do it? Probably. Would I be happy about it? No. Would I give up my job to do it? No. Would I give up my life to do it? Also no.
I’ve not given up my life to raise my current children I’d be damned if id do it for a grandchild.

this

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 09/02/2025 18:55

Well done OP, I’d absolutely do the same to keep a child within my family. 41 is no age! You won’t stand out at all as an older parent/carer and once he’s settled in nursery/school you will have plenty of time to get back into work.

From professional experience though, I’d be surprised if the local authority agree to you fostering him long term, they will want to go down the Special Guardianship route as this saves them a tonne of money. If you can get the financial benefits from being a foster carer then absolutely go for it!

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 18:55

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:54

Before all this , I could’ve wrote this post word for word and part of me still has worries . I imagine like when anyone has a baby .

Even the other day someone asking me if I’m keeping my dog coz how will I cope when the dog wants a wee , I live in a flat at present and the baby is asleep . OMG I didn’t even think of that !!!

I might only be 41 but you don’t realise how much has changed over the years . Even the other day , my GS starting to be weaned and the rules surrounding bottle feeding when they are babies … honestly and with looked after children there are even more rules !
No weaning before 7 months , so at present he’s still on puree food . The rules surrounding a lot of things are different to when it’s your own child.
I have a lot of learning to do rather than just common sense coz what you was allowed to do 20 years ago with my oldest , it’s all changed especially when the child is classed as a looked after child.

Show quote history

if he'son pureed food surely he is weaned, at least partly?

GoldFishPocketWatch · 09/02/2025 18:55

Whinge · 09/02/2025 18:49

I know someone who has done this, and it's been incredibly difficult. One thing you might not have considered is what happens if there are more children in the future. The person I know feels immensely guilty that she has had to say no to caring for the additional siblings who have been born.

This is really hard. Hopefully this is due to ages of parents in OPs case and nothing that would be likely to lead to her DS having more children he wouldn't be able to care for.

Thehop · 09/02/2025 18:56

You're only 41! Of course I'd want to foster him
if he was mine! I had my last one at your age you're not old!

when he's 9 months you can access 22 hours a week year round of dunded childcare and think about going back to work if you want to.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 09/02/2025 18:56

You're certainly not too old, there will be many mums with young children of a similar age. If you don't want to do it, you need to explore other options. But you might be not be happy having no say in your grandchild's everyday life.

ChristmasFairy2024 · 09/02/2025 18:58

I think it’s something I would not be able to not do. Seeing family go into care so regardless how difficult I would make it work. I think some people are possibly saying it in a nice way like wow I couldn’t do that god for you but actually in the same situation would find that they indeed would need to. I think sometimes people express their pride at someone for stepping up by passing negative about themselves just to show how amazing it is but it’s not meant to make you feel that you shouldn’t or can’t do it.

Arran2024 · 09/02/2025 19:01

JLou08 · 09/02/2025 18:41

This is not true at all. Family are always looked to as the first option. Adoption is last resort. Contact with parents is also heavily encouraged unless there is a risk that can't be managed through supervision of the contact.

Show quote history

Yes family are always looked at first - I didn't suggest they aren't. But sometimes no one in the family will be approved.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/02/2025 19:01

You are an angel. I've known a few grandparents take over their grandkids and get full formal parental responsibility.
I wouldn't judge someone who felt they couldn't do it, but I'd never try and dissuade someone from doing it if that's what they want. My children are still babies really but if i was ever in this sad position I'd want to do the same x

DiscoBaIIs · 09/02/2025 19:01

I would if I could. I had my youngest at 41! But if they have kids at 41 too, I'd be 82, so not ideal! But at 41! Yes! I'd do all I could to prevent my grandchild going in to care. Hopefully his parents will be more involved in due course, once they are a bit more mature. As long as you can make it work financially, go for it.

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 19:02

We have just done this for our granddaughter, she is 5. I am 60 and husband is 64. We had no choice, she would have been adopted and I couldn't contemplate that. The prospect of any kind of retirement has gone but if she wasn't with us I couldn't see a life either. We have recently been granted our SGO and life has settled down a little. You to through a period of mourning for the life you have lost and the life you won't have, though at 41 you do have a realistic prospect of a life after kids, as it were.. We have accepted our new normal, lots of people had plenty to say but ultimately it was our decision. We couldn't allow the most adorable child to go into care with strangers and reduce her life chances at the same time. Life comes in all forms and you have to adjust or live with your decisions.

So instead of planning a trip to France browsing antique markets it's Disneyland Paris!