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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fostering my Grandchild

297 replies

Nanny1983 · 09/02/2025 18:08

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

OP posts:
YoNoHeSido77 · 10/02/2025 18:56

I’m basically doing that with my grandchild. The mother asked if I could have GC for 2 weeks in early December and GC has been here since. Mother isn’t interested at all, not even asked about GC.

We’ve just started ‘allowing’ father to have GC for 2 nights, which is all he can do due to work (his accommodation wasn’t suitable, looked like a crack den. We’ve helped to sort it out and get basics for GC) and that’s been great because I’m exhausted.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat because GC is my entire heart, but we do need to sort it officially.

You’re not an angel, you’re a grandparent. We’re doing what grandparents should do (IMO).

Some of us just have to develop super powers!

failingrocks · 10/02/2025 19:06

YoNoHeSido77 · 10/02/2025 18:56

I’m basically doing that with my grandchild. The mother asked if I could have GC for 2 weeks in early December and GC has been here since. Mother isn’t interested at all, not even asked about GC.

We’ve just started ‘allowing’ father to have GC for 2 nights, which is all he can do due to work (his accommodation wasn’t suitable, looked like a crack den. We’ve helped to sort it out and get basics for GC) and that’s been great because I’m exhausted.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat because GC is my entire heart, but we do need to sort it officially.

You’re not an angel, you’re a grandparent. We’re doing what grandparents should do (IMO).

Some of us just have to develop super powers!

What do you mean YOU are ’allowing’ the father two nights?

I am sorry, but this is not super powers. Go through the right channels, because this does not sound right by any means.

LaundryPond · 10/02/2025 19:07

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 18:14

All the people saying why foster rather than adopt:

  • in the UK it is exceptionally rare for a family member to adopt. This is because the key benefit of being with a family member is that you keep some sort of time with your birth parents, whereas in adoption your adoptive parents become your parents and you have no ongoing legal tie to your birth parents.
  • Instead family members can apply for a Special Guardianship Order (SGO). This gives them parental responsibility over and above the parental responsibility which the birth parents have, ie if the SGO carers and the birth parents disagree about the children, the SGO caters have the final say.
  • with an SGO, usually social services wouldn't stay involved long term. There may be some financial support, but this isn't necessarily long term.
  • long term fostering with the family member is an alternative. There is ongoing social services involvement (both the child and the adults have their own social workers), including payment as foster carers. The family member DOES NOT have parental responsibility in this arrangement, so the social workers make most of the decisions about the child's health, schooling, contact with parents etc.
  • this fostering arrangement has pros and cons, it can take the pressure off of family members who may otherwise find eg managing contact difficult, but it can also be very intrusive for the family.
  • SGOs are more common than long term fostering with family members, but both have their place depending on the situation. Some would say social services push SGOs too early to get out of providing proper support. Sometimes fostering can turn into an SGO.
  • In the OP's case, an SGO wouldn't be granted straight away as the child isn't yet living with her.

Yes, the SGO/fostering distinction is an important one for all kinds of reasons. I hope the OP is getting good advice.

I note that she seemed to feel SS were doing her a favour by assessing her as a carer (and was afraid to seem ‘awkward’ by asking too many questions) when in fact, if she does become her grandson’s carer via SGO, she is in fact saving her local authority money.

HellofromJohnCraven · 10/02/2025 19:08

I think that many people who "theoretically" would refuse to do it, would act differently in the actual situation.
I wouldn't be happy, I would think my life compromised by someone else's lack of responsibility. Would I see my grandchild go into care? Not whilst I had breath in my body.

Jinglejanglenamechanged25 · 10/02/2025 19:10

I know a couple of sets of grandparents who have done this, both much older. Those kids are lucky kids but I do wonder what will happen to them when they are 18 and their grandparents are in their 80s, at your age absolutely go for it.

Annierob · 10/02/2025 19:11

I would look after my grandchildren too.

However, just a word of caution. I look after teenagers. I have looked after three who were taken in by a grandmother while young. All was well until they became teenagers and behaviour was not always good. In each case, the grandmother was incredibly hurt and angry after what they felt was making huge sacrifices which were not appreciated. Relationships had broken down when they came to live with me. One of them was (is) adorable, attractive, creative and headstrong and very loving and sweet. Her grandmother had ‘rescued’ her from bring adopted when she was tiny. What would have happened if she had been a much loved daughter in a family? I felt she had missed out.
Having said that, I would be there for my grandchildren too. It wouldn’t put me off.

Edamcheese · 10/02/2025 19:11

Bless your heart. All children need
to be with their own
flesh and blood. He will always have his mum in his life even if she can’t cope at the moment.. Life is tough nowadays but you will cope and you will enjoy a different life .if you gave him up for adoption you will regret that.You are very young and hopefully healthy. Get all the financial help you can. Just feel honoured that you can give him all the love and security that he deserves.

Thebellofstclements · 10/02/2025 19:15

If you are going to whine on about it being a burden and how you've given up your life then better not do it. There are hundreds who would love to adopt a healthy baby.

You had your first child very young, and they dont seem to be very responsible (abandoning a child), so are you sure you can do a better job this time?

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 19:16

@LaundryPond yes absolutely.

I would also hope op if you're reading this, that the social workers assessing you would see it as a strength and a positive if you were to ask lots of questions about the various options, because this would show you are able to think through the pros and cons of the long term plan. Of course you're desperate to have your grandchild with you, but a good social worker would welcome questions. This is also why I recommended speaking to the Cafcass Children's Guardian.

Asking questions also shows an ability to be robust and not just accept things at face value - which has a lot of crossover with being able to manage difficult decisions eg around contact with birth parents.

Ultimately they might feel you need a bit more support at least initially and therefore recommend fostering, and that's not a negative, but it does mean they remain in control rather than you taking over as the main decision maker.

The other thing I should have said in my last post to those shocked that family foster caters are paid - paying family members to be foster carers long term may seem a strange concept - but the eye watering figures needed if children aren't in placements which meet their needs, and then break down, and then need more specialist placements, mean this is money well spent. Rushing into an SGO may save a LA money, but if this then breaks down due to lack of support, this is financially short sighted on the LA's part.

UbiquitousObjects · 10/02/2025 19:18

All children need to be with their own flesh and blood

Jesus. What a ridiculous statement to make. No, that's not always the case at all. Do you read the news?

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 19:18

@Thebellofstclements It's not about the adoptive parents desperate for a baby though, it's about what is best for the child. This is a problem with adoption - the narrative can focus on adoption as eg a solution for infertility, which has the priorities all wrong.

Bigcat25 · 10/02/2025 19:20

You're doing the right thing, and you're still really young. Baby needs to bond with one person in the first yr of life or they can experience abandonment issues. They are probably bonded to you already. Wish you both the best.

Porcuporpoise · 10/02/2025 19:21

I can't say for sure (it would depend why my child couldnt look after their own child, with my support if necessary). I think my inclination would be that being adopted might be in their best interest and I might support that but continue the relationship in whatever way I could (letter writing, visits, depending on what the adoptive parents thought best). I'm a good 10 years older than you though, and my husband is older yet and that is a big part of my thinking

If there seemed to be little prospect of adoption for whatever reason, then I think I'd foster- unless the care needs were so great that we couldn't offer a good life for the child.

Edamcheese · 10/02/2025 19:23

What the hell yes I read the news. Also I’ve read plenty about fostered kids to strangers how they get abused . I’m just saying natural family is usually the best for the child. Only in some circumstances they are better being adopted

Mamatolittlemonsters · 10/02/2025 19:24

Honestly hats off to what you’re doing!

41 definitely isn’t too old! If anything happens to me and DH my kids go to my dad. I’m so grateful that until they turn 18 he will look after them. We had a surprise third child last year and he’s 58 this year and he could end up with all 3!

Gingerbiscuitt · 10/02/2025 19:26

Could you look into adopting your grandson so he has stability? I'm guessing your son and his ex are in their 20s and that's more than old enough to take responsibility and be a good parent. They have chosen not to so you need to be his mum now. You could return to work when your grandson is a year old. Look into nurseries etc.

Thebellofstclements · 10/02/2025 19:30

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 19:18

@Thebellofstclements It's not about the adoptive parents desperate for a baby though, it's about what is best for the child. This is a problem with adoption - the narrative can focus on adoption as eg a solution for infertility, which has the priorities all wrong.

I honestly can't see any reason why the child would be worse off with adoptive parents than this particular family. Talk about starting off on the wrong foot.

SALaw · 10/02/2025 19:33

@Arran2024 the OP has said that there isn't violence and I think there was a suggestion no drug addiction- I don't know the reasons for the removal from parents but it seems unlikely there will be a quick forced adoption in those circumstances.

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 19:35

@Thebellofstclements well then we should be glad that experienced professionals make these recommendations and judges make the final decision, rather than trial by Mumsnet 🙄

OnePearlOtter · 10/02/2025 19:36

I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Good luck to you.

Nanof8 · 10/02/2025 19:37

I have 2 of my grandchildren. The first one we adopted I was 51 and my youngest was 24. The second one we got when I was 60. We will be adopting him later this year. The 5 year old would have been placed in the foster system if we hadn't became his legal guardians.
I have people saying how brave I must be to have taken this on, I just didn't see another option. That's just how our family is though, not everyone is in the position to be able to do this. I have a lot of family support, I still have healthy parents that are now in their 80s that are still very involved with all the grandchildren. I did retire the year we got the 5 year-old

florizel13 · 10/02/2025 19:42

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 09/02/2025 18:17

I think what you are doing is amazing and (slightly contradictory) surely everyone would in the same position.

I get that it will be hard and you didn’t choose it, but you’re only 41! Most of my colleagues are having their own first children at 41!

Why are you ”giving up your life” and taking redundancy? Is that some kind of condition of fostering? I’m just curious as to why it wouldn’t work the same way as someone having their own kids at that age.

If OP's youngest is just turning 18 then she had her children very young. So she may feel like she missed out on her youth a bit and was looking forward to getting her life back now her youngest is grown. Instead she has to do it all again. A lot of 41 year olds having babies maybe came to motherhood late and had a bit of a life before. I guess that's the difference

intrepidgiraffe · 10/02/2025 19:44

I've just re-read your posts op - it sounds like you have a lot of support from your wider family. If it's not been mentioned already, ask your social worker if they can arrange a Family Group Conference. This is a way for you to demonstrate to social services/ the court that as a family you would pull together and be able to keep the child safe and meet their needs.

WingingItSince1973 · 10/02/2025 20:04

This was me 8 years ago OP. We went through all the procedures and was accepted that if family court wanted him to live with us we could take him. As it was my dd sorted herself out, got rid of the abusive boyfriend, my dgs dad and they moved into a nearby flat together. The dad was only allowed supervised access but he never did. I was early 40s too and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. In fact there has been one more time about 4 years ago when I stepped in again and he was going to be living with us. My dd is now stable and lives close to use I have dgs everyday after school and some weekends and we are very close and he is very much loved by us and his extended family and also my dd. My dd was very young when she had him and under the control of a nasty piece of work. She's don't great for herself the last few years so there is hope for your dgc parents. My dh and I will always be a big part of dgs life and he has a bedroom here and knows this is his home too. All the best. You're doing the right thing. I could not have seen my dgc in care or stranger foster parents. There was no question on our part xxx

angela1952 · 10/02/2025 20:04

I thing I would have done it when I was@Nanny1983's age, I suppose how difficult it will be depends on whether her DS and DIL are likely to come back into her child's life again. I'm in my 70's now and would find it hard to do, though I know that my DD expects me to take her two children on if anything happens to her.

It would be heartbreaking to have them adopted, you'd always be wondering what happened to them. My own DD has adopted two children and their own GM wanted to take them but was found unsuitable (for very good reasons) by the Adoption authorities. She does take them to see their own DM once a year which I think is exceptional.