Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

I did this process for my niece. She wasn’t a baby though and I worried she’d float around foster care her whole life. So yes I would do it. But I planned to have children anyway and was always hopeful that parents would sort themselves out. Which they did.

I would just say though, don’t do it out of obligation. You should only do it if you genuinely believe you can love and be this child parents happily and willingly. Otherwise the baby could be adopted to someone who very much wants it. Staying in the family will be better for their identity and having some awareness of their birth parents, but you should not do it if it’s going to be a big sacrifice that will make them grow up feeling they’ve ruined your life. There’s no shame in saying you can’t do it.

Im sure you have thought all that through. And you’ll be great. But they have other good options at that age so don’t do it if you’re martyring yourself

@Nanny1983 I agree with @WisePearlPoet. If your son is not allowed contact with you, unless it is a contact visit for his baby, there are safeguarding issues. No judgement here, but yes, kinship care can be difficult for the reasons in the post above. You could end up with arguments with either of your GC's parents about the way you are bringing him up. Them trying to get contact with him when it isn't agreed contact times. An SGO gives you 100% right to do what you think is right for him and the parents have no say how you parent him

I think you are doing a very kind and brave thing, but be aware of the potential difficulties too.

Several years ago I would definitely have said yes I would do it BUT in reality and from what I know now- I really dont know if I would.

Some really good friends of mine have ended up with four of their sons children - they took the first one on when she was 14 as her sons new gf was pregnant with his 6th child and there was no room for his eldest dd - (eldest dd's mother was not allowed contact) - she loved being in a quiet house without loads of little siblings running around - two years later the 8 yr old moved in with them and last year ss wanted to remove the other 5 children - she felt so guilty as she couldn't take all 6 as 1. she didn't have the space and 2. She just felt she couldn't cope - so she took the 6 and 4 yr old and the younger two unfortunately went into the care system. Her son and his girlfriend have no contact as they now have no children with them they seem to be permanently in self destruct mode.

She says if she knew how hard it was she would have said no at the time. Due to the things they saw and suffered when with their dad they all have some kind of attachment issues.

So knowing what I know I think I would say no.

You definitely have the skills and you sound like you have the patience! I think what you are doing is absolutely fantastic 👏Plus, you are only 41, think of it that way. He'll be upping sticks to work/college and maybe a partner by the time you're 60.

I would. You could still work if you use childcare? Or would you rather not in the early years?

Good luck OP

She needs him I think as much as he needs a Mum . She needs love and some warmth

Honestly op, I think it's a little worrying that you think this way.

A tiny baby with his whole life ahead of him isn't a prop to make his bio mum feel loved because, bless, she's had a hard life.

The baby is who matters. The baby. Every thought should be what is best for him.

We’re the same age and I’ve just had my third (and final!) child. It’s hard work (of course) and I didn’t expect to fall pregnant again naturally after previous fertility issues. But the joy of having another baby…. Priceless!

Of course I understand this . I’m not stupid . I would never ever jeopardise my Grandsons life . My own DS is an adult now . He doesn’t live with me . He has his own place and lives independently to me . Some weeks I don’t see him at all now .

If you knew the half of what these assessments entail , you would know that keeping my GS safe is all that matters . I’ve spent the best part of 16 weeks doing them so far.

I don’t at present have a very clear picture of what it all entails as SS need my DBS back to escalate further . I know from reading online that I will be doing lots of foster courses and parenting classes etc but other than that I am almost in the dark right now .

But one thing that’s totally clear is outside of contact my GS can’t see his birth parents . We have as a family spoken about my DS being elsewhere when I go to visit my parents and we are all very aware that it’s strictly no moving on this .

For my GS to have security , for him to grow up balanced and understand the situation he needs continuity and for me to keep to the rules of the court order …

THIS IS VERY CLEAR TO ME even if nothing else is right now .

I would because I work in criminal justice and DH works in youth criminal justice/mental health and I see what can happen to children in non kinship care. I agree keep with kinship care as long as you can once you have an SGO the support falls off a cliff edge.

You're giving that child a good loving family start in life I absolutely commend you for that

I hope that most people would want to keep their grandchild in the family if they were able to. I know my parents and parents in law would have wanted to care for my children if I had been unable to. But we are all close family. I would have taken in my neice and nephews if needed and they're not my blood family but my husband's. That's what family do.

I would 100% take on any child in my family. Bets of luck - I hope it goes well.

Yes this is certainly going to be true. They will remain in GC life and will have opinions on everything you do. You will be expected to manage the relationship and to begin with they might be grateful but eventually if you’re sticking to SS rules parents may begin to resent you. Make accusations, turn up making arguments and pushing boundaries. It won’t be easy. You will also need to show that you recognise that during your assessment. If you think everything will be fine, they will question if you will be able to manage conflict to keep GC safe.

hope it works out

In this case definitely

I think this little baby is very lucky to have you and your family .
I absolutely think you are doing the right thing and your love for him shines from what you say about him.
Good luck to you all .

The best thing for the child where possible is always to stay with their genetic family. I'd be the same, OP. I couldn't let a young related kid go into care.

Yes that's what my concern is, op will have to basically take away support from her own son and hold a strong line.... not everyone can do that, I think it would be easy for someone so emotionally invested to blur the lines.
It certainly sounds tricky, is it in the child's best interests?

My late husband was brought up by his grandparents. He turned out fine.

Unless you want a baby I'd let him go to an open adoption. Why not let a wonderful family have him and still stay in his life. The problem with grandparent fosters is that the grandparent gets older and the care arrangement breaks down and what you're left with is a young teen that no one wants or can handle.

I understand how you’re feeling as we unexpectedly adopted an eight month old when I was 45 (and did it all again at 47!). In all honesty, the fears beforehand just disappear when you’re living the reality. Yes, some of the looked after child ‘rules’ feel a bit of a faff (we were treated as foster carers until the adoptions went through court) but you kind of go along with it and realise it’s a small price to pay for having such an awesome child in your life who you’d literally do anything for.

You will find that a lot of the adoption and kinship carers are older than the average birth parents and there are lots of support groups where you’ll meet others in a similar situation which is helpful. You quickly find your people.

Some people worry they won’t have enough energy in their 40/50s to parent young children, but it’s not been an issue for us (I guess we have no choice so just find energy!). On the positive side, life experience and more secure finances means (in my case anyway) I am probably a better parent now than I’d have been in my 20s or 30s. This has been a godsend as our DC have gone on to have quite complex SEN and I’ve had to rely on lots of life skills and resilience I didn’t have as a younger adult. I definitely stress less as I’ve got older too.

Good luck with everything. My advice is not to overthink it, join online groups for people in your situation so you find your people and most important of all, enjoy the journey!

The process was one of the most stressful and intrusive experiences I’ve had. They want bank statements, names of your exes so they can talk to them, references from family and friends, references from work, a GP report. They ask you about your childhood, experience of any DV, in childhood or adulthood. They do social services checks in all the authorities you’ve lived in.

I passed, no real issues, apart from my brother would tell a very different story of our childhood, because he was looking for sympathy and excuses for his behaviour and so they questioned my much less extreme story. When I suggested that my brothers account may be exaggerated the SW was really annoyed as though I was minimising his abuse! But some of the stories they told me (which they actually shouldn’t have repeated to me at all, was a breach of his trust) I knew just we’re not true. He told them we used to flirt by night to different houses, we lived in the same house our entire childhood until we moved once when I was 8 and he was 13. He also said our mum would only cook burnt beans on toast for dinner lol. I remember my mum cooking: I eventually accepted that that was ‘his truth’ but that my own experiences were factual and I couldn’t account for his

I think right now I’m so scared of him going into adoption that I’m scared to ask too much information . I honestly don’t suffer with anxiety ever but since the moment I pressed send on my dbs I feel like my heart is in my mouth . I’ve stopped taking my dog for his normal walks due to the dog attacks in our area and coz I’m so anxious right now I’m over worried incase he gets attacked .

I’ve never suffered anxiety in my life .

I know I need to ask more questions about the whole situation but I get worried incase I say the wrong thing . Like I always do haha .

I think I’ve spent more time trying to get through the assessments which I’ve basically done and passed so far but now it’s time to find out what to expect .

I would do it. I wouldn't want to, but I'd do it.

where is the baby now?
Is your DS financially independent? Does he pay for the child? Without a job, how do you pay bills etc?
Baby’s mum sounds really vulnerable. Is she capable of making decisions about herself? Like sexual consent etc? Is she safe where she lives now?
Bless your heart for being there for the baby ❤️

My grandparents raised me. My mum was 15. Unreliable. Left me with a stranger when I was 2, while she went off abroad for an unspecified amount of time. Grandma managed to find me and that was that. Didn’t see my mum for the next 7 years - she’d make arrangement and then not show up. Sporadic phone calls.

I did not miss her. I had no contact with my father and I didn’t miss him either. I didn’t notice because my Grandparents were my constant, and they were the only parents I had known. I had an incredibly happy, normal, childhood. I doI see my Grandparents as mum and dad. I’m well educated, and successful. I think this is entirely to do with having such strong parent figures. I didn’t feel any different at school. Some people lived with their parents, I lived with my grandparents - that was it.

I didn’t feel they were too old or past it, or that I missed out on anything due to their age (I had my kids at the age they were when I went to live with them, so I’m sure they were tired a lot!!). We went on foreign holidays (hopefully I didn’t cramp their style - I love being away with my own kids and don’t feel I’ve lost anything by having them so late, I’m done with clubbing now!), city breaks, day trips, theme parks. They kept up.

Grandma died a few years ago sadly, but I was well into my 30s. My Grandad is still fit as a fiddle. We are very close.

Good luck with whatever you decide but what my Grandparents did for me has life long impact, in the best way, I just don’t think my life would be as good as it is if they hadn’t chosen to raise me. Sleepless nights don’t last forever. It’s only a few holidays that have to be toddlers friendly. It is a massive decision though so I get what your friends are saying, and it is something people should be in awe of as you are committing the rest of your life to a little person you had no say in making. X

The OP is 41! That is a young grandparent. There is plenty of evidence that children do better in relative foster care vs general foster care.