Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

You're doing a wonderful thing.I would also do this if needed.My father was adopted by his grandparents, they were loving and had his best interests at heart.
I know of a child where I live now whose family turned their back on him, even though they new the outcome would probably be bad.
He's been in the care system ever since, has probably suffered abuse and is now in trouble regularly with the police.( Not in the Uk)
Several people in his family could have had him, but it was too much bother.
You're doing the right thing, it will be hard, but nobody will have his back like you will.xxx
You're doing what's best.

I would do it. No question.

I would do it. Where I live, in Ohio, reunification is always the goal when a child is taken into foster care. Is that the case there as well? If so, it may not even be permanent.

I'd think about what is best for your grandchild.

For me, I'd adopt the grandchild as my own. I think having a secure parent is so important for children, even if they aren't 'Mum' or 'Dad'. From what you've said I'd worry that the parents aren't that committed to visiting at the moment which I wouldn't want for any child in my family.

Is your grandchild going to have more of a chance of a secure family through adoption?

I have two friends who were both adopted - both are really happy, thriving adults.

It’s not like he’s a stranger, hopefully he hasn’t undergone neglect or any abuse( which even at his young age can have an impact on his later life- as long as you are his actual adoptive parent to spare him being bounced around then if you feel up to the challenge, why not!

I had my second child at 40 (after having my first at 18) so the age thing wouldn't worry me at all. I think I would also foster in your situation. Does fostering mean you have to give up work permanently or if he's with you long-term can you go back to work when he's a little older (as women do post maternity leave)?

Social services often won't allow family members to look after children who otherwise would be taken into care because they would just make the same mistakes that led to the parents being unable to parent.

So I think you have to be careful about suggesting that what you are doing is available to everyone.

Many grandmothers won't be allowed to do it. And it's possible they come from generations of chaotic parenting - it's not necessarily their fault.

Others will be told they can't have the baby if they are still going to be seeing the parents. My friend is in that situation. She would take the baby but doesn't want to leave her daughter (drug addict) unsupported.

It's a difficult situation for everyone. Good luck with everything.

Do you really feel like you're "giving up your life" to do this? You've given up your job, surely not your life? There will be huge changes to your life, but I'd be concerned if you are viewing it solely in terms of sacrifice.

Aren’t you pissed off though? I get it I do, I would absolutely do it the baby is your grandchild… but aren’t you furious at your son/daughter for putting you in this position? I know I would be.

You’re only 41 OP, not 70! Plenty of people are starting their families in their late 30s/early 40s. I know it must feel mad as you had yours so young though.

Separate note: you’re talking about it as if it’s your only choice, your duty. Are you sure you’re doing this because you actually want to?

In your situation I don't know, it would depend where I was in life and health wise and what the needs of the child were. Essentially it'd be a question of whether I thought I provide everything the child needed or not (and I mean emotionally as well as practically). But I think a lot of people think they wouldn't / couldn't do something in a hypothetical circumstance, whereas once you're thrown into that situation you views change.

No one actually knows what they would do until they're in that situation

I'd do it at 55, never mind 41, an age when a lot are mums to babies. If I was much older or in poor health then I'd have to think carefully about whether I was the baby's best option. I'm sure you'll be working with professionals to achieve the best situation for your grandchild so I wouldn't worry what others think either way.

I wouldn't be to pleased about doing it all again but I definitely would. I could never see a child in my family placed for adoption. It's really not as simple as they go to a loving family and have a great life, adoptions break down and even if they are maintained the child can have some real emotional difficulties due to the separation from their birth family

41 isn't grandparent age particularly since women started having babies at 40 +, just make sure you know what the financial arrangements are going to be as kinship care isn't funded in the same way. Also make sure you have info on nursery funding etc which didn't exist in the same way when you had your own children

I would do it. It is one of the only questions I have ever read on here that I have been able to answer positively no matter how many things come up in my mind. Yes! Of course it will be tough but I think you are doing a great thing I hope your daughter can come to appreciate what an amazing woman she has for a mum.

Would you be expecting a SGO?
Will you need any kind of fostering allowance?
Are there issues with birth parents that might make placing with you unsafe?
Will the birth parents let you parent, and can you be strong enough not to let them be disruptive to your GC's life.

It is easy for others to say 'I could never let a relative go for adoption', but it is very dependent on circumstances what is the right decision.

I would yes, not saying it will or would be easy, in fact like yourself I'd be feeling apprehensive about starting parenthood again in my 40's. But I just couldn't not, too much can go wrong if he's fostered or adopted out

I’d look at kinship care support groups for a better understanding of the challenges you may face including managing your own relationship with your daughter.

kinship.org.uk/what-is-kinship-care/

All of this!

This is not true at all. Family are always looked to as the first option. Adoption is last resort. Contact with parents is also heavily encouraged unless there is a risk that can't be managed through supervision of the contact.

41 is an insane age to be considered too old! My youngest will be 11 months when I turn 41 and I don't feel like I'm incapable of being her mum.
Honestly, ignore your friends and do what's right for your grandchild.

I have thought about this many times since my oldest come of age. I would do it, but I fear I’d be resentful. I’m 37 and can not imagine going back to baby days. I feel like my life is finally becoming my own, I can’t imagine being tied down to school runs and stuff again, and not being able to go out when I want.
I know some people have babies at this age, but honestly it boggles my mind. I feel so old 😂 maybe because I had kids young and they have aged me beyond my years!

Absolutely. What an amazing thing to do.x

I absolutely adore the little boy . I saw him on Thursday and just in a week he’s changed so much and my heart just literally melts at seeing him . I just want to take him home there and then .

He didn’t ask for any of this and it’s my Son who’s his Dad . I feel disappointed I think that it’s come to this but our family are the closest family ever . I have so much support with my parents , my sister .
My parents are just amazing role models when it comes to loving their kids and they will do anything for me and my kids and I Know it’s the right thing me doing this for my Grandson . No one can love him like his own family do already and I am doing it from sheer love for him . I’m choosing to have him , I know it’s a massive thing and I think fostering is different to having your own child coz you have so many rules .