Fostering my Grandchild

[Nanny1983]

The last few months I’ve been doing a connected carers assessment for my Grandchild who is 7 months old . In view of him coming to live with me and I will be his Foster Carer .

Both parents are young and hopefully both will still see him , what that looks like I’m not too sure . Parents have split up and Mum isn’t too reliable in turning up to contact at present but I’m doing my best to encourage her .

So quite a lot of people around me seem to think I’m either an angel or stupid for going through all this for him but there has been no other option . I either do this or he goes to adoption and that’s not what my family do .
I’ve took redundancy from work and I’m basically giving up my life at the age of 41 to take care of him . I’m not saying I’m looking forward to it , I’m actually scared to death coz my youngest is now nearly 18 and I’m starting all over again .
But in my eyes that’s what you do for your family ?
But I’ve had comments from people saying they couldn’t do it . They enjoy their life as it is and they don’t want a baby at this age and they think they would have to let him go to be adopted….

so AIBU would you foster a family child especially a Grandchild rather than he/she being adopted ?

Personally I thought everyone would do what I’m doing but it seems a lot of people around me have a different opinion . They seem to look at me in awe when I tell them and go onto say they couldn’t do it .

Just wondering , what would you do ?

Because as I said, the father was living in accommodation that was unfit for him to live, never mind a child. (Literally just a mattress on the floor and knee high piles of rubbish) I told him if he wanted to have his child he needed to sort his life out, I told him that GC can be here with me or in care because they would not have allowed GC to be there.
We’ve helped as much as we can and to be fair to him he’s stepped up And sorted himself out a lot but he can’t have GC full time due to work commitments.
SS were involved last year but both the parents managed to sort themselves out enough to fool them. I have a CAO for GC but it isn’t a full time CAO, just EOW. I didn’t go back to court as I was hoping that mother would decide that GC was more important than lifestyle or new man but so far it’s not looking good. So I’m the only constant that GC has had in their life, the only person that has been there no matter what since birth (literally got given to me at 2w old and had GC every weekend since).

So yes, I ‘allowed’ it because I was/am safeguarding GC.

I absolutely have super powers, I never realised that I could go without sleep for 3 solid days at my age (retired) and still function while a baby is ill. It was much easier at 20 🤣

Yes great thing to do. But make sure local authority coughs up to fund you as you take a hit to your earnings. It all costs .. both in providing for the child and in the hit to your earnings. Just beware and sensible to ensure that some financial provision is there to help.

I have been through this although in my late 50s. I initially fostered my 3 month old DGC, I am now his legal guardian and whilst it has totally turned my life upside down I wouldn't change a thing. I don't think I could have lived with myself had I allowed DGC to be adopted and have no or little contact, always wondering how they turned out, were they being looked after properly etc.... I adore the very bones of DGC, they make me laugh every day and I beam with pride at every little achievement. It's a good thing you are doing your kindness will be repaid by the love of your DGC in years to come.

I am currently fostering my great nephew. He was nine months old when he came here and has been with us for 8 months now,
I totally understand why you feel like you're giving up your life. With family contact, meetings, supervisions and assessments with social services, my own children and a full time job, I'm struggling. Possibly a different scenario as ours is a child neglect issue so we are the only ones allowed around him unsupervised meaning we have no family to support but I commend anyone that chooses to do this.

I'm a foster carer and look after 2 teens with moderate to severe learning disabilities. I'd look after either of my 2 DGC in a heartbeat if anything ever happened to their parents. I'm over 60 and one DGC has ADHD but I'd do it for them. I've seen the damage first hand that some DC in care carry with them way into adulthood. It won't be all plain sailing but you'll get through. You could go back to work part time once DGC is at nursery. It will give you a break.

41 is no age at all to have a baby. However, what’s in the best interests of the baby is probably a stable permanent family ie adoption. SS often have a misguided remit to keep kids in dysfunctional families with out due regard to what’s actually in the children’s best interests.

I think you are doing the right thing. I’m an adopter and trying to ignore a few quite offensive and naive/judgemental comments on here about adoption. Depressing that some can only see the world through their own smug and narrow lens. The reason I think you are doing the right thing is that yes it’s always better for the child to have the option of a bond with birth parents and family than none at all. The child will be loved but just not in a conventional way and you’re find your own ‘normal’.
Most adopted parents feel exactly like me but sadly some kids safeguarding and wellbeing depends on them not staying with birth family.
And to dispel another myth most of us don’t go down this route because of infertility (I wasn’t). We do it for exactly the same reasons you are, because sometimes a child who has not asked to be born just needs a safe and loving home as a priority and there needs to be people in the world who can offer this. And that’s it.
And from a practical pov you will get some financial support as a foster parent so hopefully that will help a little also. Ultimately the child is better with you if you think you can do this, good luck x

Hi all. I have been reading your comments , supportive and not so supportive .

All of you who do this and take on children really are incredible .

Today I’ve been given more contact with my GS from the SW and the manager as I’m going to join BM in her contacts to try and help her gain more confidence .I already go to contacts with my DS . This will also show how contacts can be when he comes home to me . She said it’s all looking positive.

I will be asking more questions , asking for more support in the coming weeks and it’s great that I’ve been given some great advice in regards to people I can ask for support so thank you .

A woman I spoke too recently had her children removed and they were put into long term Foster Care and her children’s experiences were proof that just because they are foster parents doesn’t mean they are perfect . Both of her children were put with abusive carers . The experiences she was telling me you would think she was lying but she wasn’t … there are amazing carers in the system and bad ones too just like birth parents so just because someone has passed to adopt a child doesn’t mean they are going to be perfect parents .

Everyone is only human at the end of the day. Regardless if you’re a birth parent , adoptive parent , foster carer or a relative . There’s good and bad people in every category.

I really appreciate all the lovely comments , I don’t need praise , I am doing what I am glad to discover that anyone in my shoes would do .
He’s my blood and even though I’m scared , and I made it sound like I don’t want the responsibility to start with but I’m more scared of everything that comes with it rather than my GS . The involvement with SS , the constant appointments and note writing , contact arrangements .

It’s definitely my plan to go back to work as well for some normality and I believe putting children into childcare helps them , for their own development , they socialise and learn from other kids earlier .
You wouldn’t believe it if you listened to some posters comments but I have my GS best interests at heart .

I think you are doing a wonderful thing, and when people react the way they do and say "I couldn't do that" I think they mean "thank goodness I'm not in your position but that's exactly what I'd be doing too and my life would be turned upside down". Good luck with it all.

I used to be a children’s solicitor , seen hundreds of foster and adoption placements. By far the best for any child is to stay in its own family, if it’s safe to do so. But , really , you don’t need to give up stuff . Your grandson/ future son needs you to live a normal life. And don’t take any notice of the plaudits you will get, sought or not. Most people can’t or won’t do this, because it can be really tough and it’s never fluffy bunny! But it is the best thing for a child. Very best wishes !

Well, the difficulties my (adopted) daughters have had are because of the traumas they experienced in their birth family, not because of adoption.

Of course adoption isn't happy ever after - generally children have been failed over and over again before adoption is considered, and those experiences don't disappear the day they are adopted.

What an ignorant post.

However, going back to the OP - good for you! It is a huge change in your circumstances, but I hope your grandchild brings you lots of joy!

Noone is perfect op. Believe me, I took.such crap from.Cafcass. Who later decided I needed support , not their condemnation..Too little to late.

My gs tells me he loves me and has appreciated our love and support. He is now engaged and has a good job. Thats enough for me. Twenty two years of support I have never regretted.

I wish you luck.

Hi, I'm a special guardian. I fostered my granddaughter at 16months during covid.
She is now 6.5yrs old.
I'm 54.
I'm a single carer and it's really hard work.
She has been diagnosed with trauma, attachment disorder and adhd.
Be prepared to give up your daughter if asked to by social services. (But wait a few months and a different social worker will come along with a different agenda)
I've been very lucky in that my daughter came through it and has grown up (teenage mum, domestic abuse) and can have her at weekends to give me a break.
But many don't have that support at all.
There are a few groups on FB for fostering, kinship and guardians, it's an eye-opener on how the support system works and getting financial support especially as your in your 40s and can lose out on your dependence and financial security.,make sure it is written into your court agreement.
Good luck x

Don’t listen to other people, you are doing what is right for your family
At aged 60 I took on my 4 Grandchildren as my daughter has mental health and makes wrong decisions, I was awarded Guardianship of all 4 till they are 18
2 have asd and one has asd and adhd
their ages were 8 months, 18 mths, 9yrs and 13 yrs
My family and friends didn’t agree with my decision and said things like as a single person this is too much for you to take on it will kill you
But 6 year's on we are doing okay
and whilst my life revolves around them I am beginning to have a life of my own
and honestly wouldn’t have it any other way

Would definitely do it, even now at age 55, but I had my own children age 33 and 43, I would have thought almost everyone would do it too.

I wouldn't give up work to do it.

You basically are sacrificing your old-age security and many opportunities in between now and then. Sigh.

I would be inclined to think like you, I would feel like I couldn't not. However my life circumstances mean that I easily could. However I work with a lot of grandparents going through this and some do it out of guilt and I always always tell them this is your life. You only have one and it needs to be right for you.

Also some grandparents have had a life full of being a parent and they look forward to experiencing a bit of freedom. I think if I was in that position I possibly would find it harder and may even resent it which wouldn't help the baby. I think it depends a lot on our current position.

I think what you are doing is awesome, so well done. These situations are always so heart-breaking for all concerned.
However, since you asked, no I couldn't do it. Certainly not now as I'm in my 60s and don't have the accommodation, nor the physical or mental/emotional energy. But to be honest, I wouldn't have considered it at a younger age either because I just wouldn't have had the resources to do so.

Don’t take any notice of the sceptics. You are doing the right thing. It’s a great privilege to get a second chance at parenting and you aren’t much older than some first time mums these days. Throw yourself into the task and enjoy your grandchild. He is lucky to have you

Everyone will have their views and opinions, they are not in that situation themselves, so it's not relevant. You do what feels best for you and your grandson. It will be difficult but I don't think it's anything you will regret

Some people would do it and some wouldn’t. What is important is what you want to do, not what you feel you should do. There is no right or wrong answer to this and you have to really think about what is best for you. Because ultimately, that will also be what is best for the child whatever you decide. Such a tough decision though x