Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

Annoyingly it’s not really a logical decision but I would always opt into trying rather than regretting not.

I’m 40 and going through IVF at the moment. I do wish I had started earlier but hey ho! If it doesn’t work out, I will be going down the adoption route.

20/25 % definitely at best. I wouldn't do it myself. You do genuinely get over never becoming a mum and you will become closer and closer to your SCs. One day, you'll become a grandma and that's great too.

A wonderful man is very very very rare. Cherish what you've got.

What do you think is best for a baby?

I think going alone and trying for a baby is not unreasonable. However I would be assuming going forward my life would be without a child because realistically it won't happen. And then if the child happens it's an added bonus. If you would be happy using a donor egg it's more likely I think. So have some thoughts about a future single you e.g new hobby, travel, fostering in addition to IVF

Are you sure that you actually want children? From your OP it sounds like you are worried that you might regret not having children in the future but that's not the same as really wanting a child now.
Think about what it would really mean for your life going it alone with a child at 44 - is that what you want? If yes, then you need to try ASAP. If no, then your life sounds pretty good as it is.

I'm sorry but it's more likely you'll end up alone with no baby. At your age I'd try to make peace with the choices you made that led you to be child free at 43, and practice gratitude for what you have. Finding a good relationship in your 40s and beyond isn't a very easy prospect.

YANBU OP.

you might be the 20% it works for.

Also, you might have some good/interesting experiences on your IVF journey even before you have a child !

I can completely understand the sadness and fear of childlessness having been in similar situations.

My advice would be to really think about what you want.

Would you really be happy choosing to walk away from your partner who sounds fantastic? A life that sounds quite happy, apart from the of course huge hole that involuntary childlessness creates?

Would you really rather be a single parent? Would you rather give up your happy relationship and life for a possibility of parenthood that may not materialise? Would you be able to raise a child with health problems or disabilities by yourself?

Only you know the answers.

Have you had therapy? I think talking through these issues with someone who understands and who is neutral is really helpful in situations like this.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this boat. Life is very tough sometimes.

Would you consider donor eggs or adoption? If so, I’d go for it; if not, I’d try to make the best of what you have.

OP I'm 53 with a DD15. I will have to keep working way beyond the time I want to because I had her late as a lone parent. Honestly I'd make peace with not having kids if it means going it alone at your age unless you are wealthy.

The heart wants what it wants. You’ll never get over not trying for a baby if that’s what you want.

You will be 60 (or older) when your child turns 16. Do you have the financial stability and good health to have a child or twins as a single parent in your 50s and 60s? You’ll have high child care costs as well. How are you pensions cos you’ll have less free cash than most to put while child is young?

Personally unless you are mortgage free and financially very stable I think you’ve left it too late to go it own through choice (rather than people that have to due to relationship breakdown / abuse / widowed)

Is there any way your DP might change his mind about kids after realising how much you want them ?

It would be really unfair to pressure him. He has been straight with her from the beginning and does not owe her a child.

My gut reaction is that you should leave it as well. You’ve had many years when you could have taken the route you’re considering but now you’re entering your mid forties and realistically, it’s unlikely to happen now.

Not having children and having the positives of a children life is one thing.

Not having your own while making the endless compromises and sacrifices of step parenting and living a family life but never being a mum is a completely different thing.

If you knew you wouldn’t have your own would you still want to stay with him or would you rather be childfree on your own or with someone else who also doesn’t have any? That would be my calculation.

I was a step mum before having my own and had an extremely hard time staying pregnant.

Sadly your odds of having a biological DC with sperm donation and fertility treatment are likely to be low, 20% seems over optimistic.

Weird question, which doesn't make sense. There is no baby.

Even if your DP changed his mind, which sounds unlikely and tbh his position sounds sensible, it could be a difficult experience trying to have a DC with him and might well not be possible.

YABU. If you were 33 I would say differently but you have left it very late to want to make this decision to be honest. I think you are mad to want to trade a loving partner, with three lovely step kids for the life of a single mum and no support.

I think 20% is incredibly optimistic and the most likely outcome is you end up single with no baby and for me statistically I just couldn’t go for them odds. But I’m aware I’m not the sort of person to dwell on a what if so it’s an easy decision for me, and no one can really advise you on how bearable you’ll find all the potential outcomes.

Have you had any fertility tests?

I don't think it's 100% definite you would conceive at 43. As someone else suggested you could get a fertility test done.

I agree that it sounds irrational. You can either give into the urge - which you could maybe get therapy for to overcome - seems its biological urge over what you wan. Desire v want - and it is very difficult to let go of a desire.

I know a few people who were adamant about the number of children they wanted or having kids, but then became step parents and found that was just as fulfilling (depending on the set up and how often you see them).

Only you can decide op.