Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

I'm sorry but I think that any fertility clinic taking your money for treatment with your own eggs at 43 is acting in bad faith. It might be different if you were trying naturally.

“…and I would have my family around”

Have you asked if they would help you, or is this an assumption?

I wouldn’t. I’m 47 and would not want to be looking after a toddler or a young child again now. Perimenopause is real! I’m achier and more tired than I used to be.
Then there’s the higher risks of a child with additional needs. Plus the greater chance of complications in pregnancy and the birth.
Then there’s your health as you age. Rates of chronic illness and fatal or life-limiting illness rise as we go into our 50s and 60s- and that should be taken into account especially as you would be a single parent. What would happen to the child if you were taken ill in your mid 50s? Even early 60s they’d still be very young.

It’s easy to see the grass over there as greener than over here, but honestly given your lovely relationship I would try really hard to be grateful for the field you’re in right now. I wanted a 2nd baby and it wasn’t possible, I found a kitten cured me of broodiness. Maybe you could get a kitten or a puppy?

Absolutely this. It would be bloody cruel and selfish to expect this of him, expecting him to be happy to be the fallback if the IVF doesn’t work.

I think you should do it. If you're comfortable with being a mum at 43+.
It might not work, but try.

What's to say this amazing man changes his mind in a few years and leaves you. Or it just doesn't work out for other reasons. People break up all the time, you can't guarantee the relationship is forever.

I actually think if he loved you as much as you love him (enough to be childless) he would at least consider supporting you through IVF and supporting you after, child and all. You are willing to make a huge sacrifice, he's not.

Please think about this from the point of view of the potential child as well as yourself OP. My mother was 37 and my father 39 when they had me (I have a sister and brother 11 and 8 years older respectively, I think I was a surprise).

My parents have always seemed older compared to my cohort, which was ok when I was younger but just something I noticed really.

I am 37 now and my Dad died in 2022 after a sudden and brutal decline over a couple of years (a Parkinsonian disorder). My mother was blindsided and is now quite reliant on me for all ferrying about and medical/emotional/social support which I have found very hard. At 37, most of my friends parents are still living and well and independant so I have felt quite alone in this. And I have two siblings! But they are busy raising their own families and I don't have or plan children so most of the mum stuff falls to me.

I don't want children so my circumstances are different to yours I would advise you not to do it from the point of view of your potential child. From their point of view you are too old even if you had a partner to raise them with, far too old without one.

Lots of people start to get serious health and mobility problems in their 70s when your child would only be in the mid 20s, perhaps not even independant, with likely no siblings and no other parent to help or lean on, it's just not fair on them.

Don't throw away what you have, no one can have everything and it sounds like you have something quite precious now; a loving relationship. As someone else advised I think a pet would be the better road to go down.

Whatever 🙄. OP’s partner is a grown man, I’m sure he’s capable of making decisions for himself, and doesn’t need you moralising about what’s best for him.

OP, YANBU.

At the end of the day no one can make this decision for you , as IVF is gruelling and you need to think about how you will cope with the disappointment if it doesn’t work out.

However , with regards to the relationship-
I wouldn’t choose any man over the opportunity to have a child, if having a child is what you want. The relationship may not last anyway and of course there are always other fish in the sea .😉

Ignore all the judgy posters saying you are too old and the baby needs a “dad”. 43 is a perfectly normal age to get pregnant and plenty of kids grow up all kinds of parent/ family configurations. All any baby needs is a least one person (and preferably more) who will love and take care of them ❤️
xx

I really feel for you OP. Reading your post you seem like a lovely person, as does your husband. Weighing up everything you've said, I do think you may regret giving up the relationship. Motherhood is very difficult and lonely even when you have a partner to share it with. I do think there is a lot of fulfilment to be had without having children but also understand the urge.

One thing I would say is that there are a lot of posts on here - including some on this thread - that make women feel terrible for having children after the age of 30. I had my first at 33 and currently pregnant with my second at 36. I didn't necessarily consider this old but those kind of posts make me feel a bit down sometimes when I read them. I think realistically most people have children when they are able to, for whatever reason. I do appreciate it is harder in your 40s but I know many people who lost their parents at a very young age due to illness etc - none of know what is around the corner at any point.

If I was pitching motherhood to someone, I would pitch it on its absolute worst day - warts and all. If they still fancied it then, I'd say go for it.

If you can afford to go it alone, do it. There’s no saying you’ll stay together anyway.

You are willing to make a huge sacrifice, he's not

Also 100% this. Especially don’t sacrifice for a man who won’t sacrifice for you x

You say you have a deep emotional connection. What does he say about the pain you’re experiencing by being in this dilemma? I would find this very hard to deal with and it would dramatically alter how I felt about my partner. He would rather lose you to go off to try to have another man’s baby than try to give you what you most desire and do it together? I don’t think I’d be describing him as wonderful.

You need to reframe this totally from “giving up a relationship to have a baby” and giving up your relationship to raise a child. The having the baby part isn’t a difficult decision. It’s romanticised, beautiful, a miracle. Yes, you believe it will “fill a hole” in your life. Sure. But let me tell you, it’s a long and painful, lonely bloody road going it alone.

I’m all for people choosing to do this, but if you think the baby is going to fill the hole you’re absolutely wrong. You clearly enjoy having a partner, and say you have a good one. What happens when the hole he leaves behind is too much?

I understand the urge, I really truly do. But you should want to have a child because you want every stage, and no matter what. Disability, SEN. First milestones when you turn around and can’t share it with anyone. It’s a lot to think about.

The bit abut getting a kitten or puppy to cure misery involved in involuntary childlessness... whilst I know this is well meaning, it's actually really insensitive. Having a pet gives you something to focus on and love but it doesn't cure broodiness. OP doesn't have one child like you did so it's a different situation. Again not saying this to criticise but it's important for us to all reflect on our language and the things we say.

But this is totally unfair. He expressed from day 1 that he has his children and will not be having more. Would you say the same if OP revealed he already had a vasectomy?

Imagine the genders reversed! Man wants baby, woman already has 3 from previous marriage and doesn’t want to go through it all again. Has said this from day 1 of the relationship but man has the urge and wants a baby now. Says he will leave his partner to make his dream a reality. Woman feels now she must have his baby and agrees, just to stop him leaving.
Insane.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that a man who doesn’t want a fourth baby doesn’t love someone enough. If the tables were turned we wouldn’t say that OP doesn’t love her partner enough to make a sacrifice for him.

Quite.

you say you never had a burning desire. you met him aged 40. I'd be thinking about what you have done in your 30's to try and conceive. it may be that you are now just at a point of needing to grieve what you never had.. and embrace what you do. You'll do whatever you want to do, irrespective of what anyone says here. But at 43 it's a difficult age to suddenly spring into action. ...
Could you just let him know you are not using contraception, that it's down to him. That way, you are honest about your desire.
Lots of women in their 40s may feel like this.. but it doesn't always mean you need to throw out everything that's good for a chance on something that may not be. Maybe it's just the start of mourning, and loss and acceptance

He shouldn’t have to sacrifice his life at all. What a silly thing to say. The man is innocent of any wrongdoing here in his choice not to have any further children. It is OP who is moving the goalposts so any compromises are hers to make.

He has had a vasectomy.

Exactly! The flip side is OP doesn’t love her partner enough to give up the baby dream and be happy with him and what they can have together. Keep in mind, this man also has to consider his existing children. He has 3. It’s absolutely fair enough for him to not want more. To not want to put his children through a much younger sibling they can’t bond with. To not want to go back to nappies when he’s all but finished and got his own DC out to school/uni etc.

OP’s decision is very emotional and personal. That’s fair and there’s no judgement from me, she needs to do what’s right. But anyone saying this man, who has clearly thought and decided based on many factors, is in the wrong for not just going for it is off their rocker. All we see on MN are men impregnating women all over and not bothering their arse after. Or not considering the implications on current DC, or any other manner of thoughtless male behaviour. Actually think it’s admirable he isn’t caving based on emotions.

When this relationship started and he said this was a firm line not to be crossed, OP agreed.

He is there for me. He holds me when I’m in floods of tears, he listens to me talk about it, he has offered to stay through that preparation for IVF if that’s what I decide to do.

He says he feels in his gut that he doesn’t want another child. He has three. I don’t blame him. Do I wish he’d change his mind, yes. But I wish he would want it, not do it just to please me. I know he won’t though and I accept that. I just have to decide if the risk of trying IVF alone is worth it.

If he has had a vasectomy, he doesn't really have a choice any more if he wants more children. It's a hard decision but I would probably stay together whilst having IVF (as it has been discussed as an option).

Honestly I wouldn’t throw away a good relationship to chase what’s very likely a pipe dream from hormonal last hurrah.

He was perfectly clear from the start. He even has a vasectomy. The fact he would stand by you while you attempt to get ready for ivf meaning the end of your relationship shows how much of a good guy this chap is and let’s face it finding them among the assholes is hard.

A single mum to a ivf baby so no childcare really because all these friends and family who shout they would help really won’t or drop off fast…. So being honest here you won’t even have chance to date for many many years as you won’t even have eow free, unless you want to be the type of mum bringing new men home every few months, or paying for regular overnight babysitters and hotel rooms.

Then you’ve got to find one happy to date someone with say a teenager and who’s a genuinely good guy or you’ve got to try and find one once your child’s an adult, or just settle for settling for a kinda guy a women goes… well he doesn’t hit me…

I honestly couldn’t cope with someone trying to comfort me about something they have the power to change. I see I’m getting push back on this in the comments but that’s the beauty of a forum- you’ll get a range of opinions. I know that I would end up resenting him. If other women think they could cope and carry on happy in the relationship, good for them. We’re all different.

Only you know how you feel about this so really it’s about trying to work your own feelings out. I do really feel for you as none of us ever know what is down each path until we take it. Wishing you some clarity of thought as you work your way through this.

I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children

If you decide to have IVF and it's unsuccessful (which the odds suggest it will be) you'll then also regret losing the love of your life. And for what? You know that this relationship makes you happy. You don't know that having a child would make you happy.